So...how are things?

an Advent Soul

2011-01-06T14:35:00.004-05:00

Don't let anyone convince you otherwise: perfectly working clocks move at different paces. Surely the days and nights were somehow objectively longer last fall, my heart, body and mind occupied in Rwanda. Between July and almost December, every email I received caused flutters in my knot-infested stomach, almost always to disappoint and somehow create even more longing and pain. and hope for the next one.

But I knew it wasn't about him. Not about Isaiah anyway.

Oh sure, some (even a lot) of the acute longing and pain was very connected to our heart born son, who spent close to two beautiful and difficult years at Home of Hope. Without a family and without so much more that that. And those painful, basically sleepless nights mysteriously and perhaps even spiritually knit me closer to him. I would never wish away a single one of those aching moments.

But that "knitting me to him" wasn't the aching's only purpose, and Isaiah wasn't it's only focus.

I cringed and rebelled at the thought that I would somehow feel all better once he was home. Like many of you, I balked at the idea that if he had a good day, if someone could tell me that he'd had enough food, enough affection, enough attention, enough of a sense of God's love for him...that somehow the almost unbearable pain I was feeling would go away.

Maybe (likely) I was being stubborn, but I refused to let the pain go away. And I believed and still believe it shouldn't go away. Not yet.

You see, as I've asked our Maker, the One who hears the cry of the afflicted, to give me eyes like his. To help me to see more like Him. When I've asked him to help my heart to break more regularly for what breaks His. I really believe He has started to answer. And He has been slowly and sometimes painfully building and refining in me an Advent soul. I'm not even close to alone or special in this journey, I've found good company in present day and Old Testament prophets like Habakkuk and Isaiah. Many of you who defend the cause of the oppressed, or fight for justice have developed these souls as well. I'm a very unfinished product, but I believe He has shown me some of what it means to have an Advent soul.

In summary, I think it means groaning with all of creation for anything or anyone that isn't yet what they will be like in future glory. longing for all things to be as they should be, as they are promised to be. as they will one day be. it means noticing and feeling almost ruined over Spirit-revealed discrepancies in my character and, because of Jesus' work, what I will one day be like. It means allowing myself to be disappointed and deeply saddened over broken marriages...or even good marriages that aren't perfected ones (that's all of them). It means being moved to tears over the plight of children who don't have families. Who don't have enough food. or shelter. or love. It means being overwhelmed with anger and deep sadness for women who seem to have no choice but to allow men to rape them day in and day out, or else they can't feed their children. and to weep for the children who follow in her footsteps at a young age.

He's graciously and painfully opened my eyes to gaps between how He intends full life to be--how it will one day be--and where we are now. And he has taught me to feel profoundly disappointed, to ache, pray and long for the Kingdom to come in some of those parts of life. And to be dissatisfied with anything less. In myself. In the church. In the world.

To ache for God's fullness to come to broken areas includes admitting and articulating, even intentionally drawing others' attention to the fact that there is currently a gap. Martin Luther King says it so well, "History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of of this period of social transition was not was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people." It means waking people up to notice and care about the disparity. Seems like a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised at the discomfort caused by admitting disappointments in life. Honestly it sometimes makes me and others feel a bit depressed or uncomfortable to see how bad some of it is. Who wants to willingly go there?

But I believe as we admit the brokenness of our lives. The ways we don't live as we should. The ways our motivations are so stained. As we confess that there are major parts of us that need to be drastically transformed by the Spirit before we will even slightly resemble our future glory selves. When we do these things, we actually defend the goodness and glory of God. For like the prophet Isaiah noticed, we are not good, but God is not like us: "Woe is me! I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips and I live among a people of unclean lips and my eyes have seen the King, the Almighty." Admitting our inadequacies and brokenness is a first step in inviting ourselves and others to experience the hope of the Gospel. If there isn't a gap (for me, for you, for the world), why is the news so good?

God isn't indifferent about the discrepancies between future glory and now. He seems physically pained throughout the Old Testament as he sees what the world is like and He is always promising that He will defend the cause of the oppressed, He will feed the hungry, He will bring justice. He is always deeply frustrated by the wrongdoings of His children. Then when Jesus walked among us, he groaned, wept, grew angry over the injustices and brokenness he saw.

And so should we.

When we "go there" into the depths of disappointments in ourselves, or when we have legitimate godly longings for others and for the world, there is danger that we will lose hope. When admitting how dark parts of us and parts of the world are, we must be ever careful not to remember where the light is. Careful not to lose hope. Lately I have despaired over several things in my life that seem overwhelming, and surely when faced with the facts, it is easy to start to despair over poverty and injustice in the world. But the hope we have in Jesus is enough to overcome all doubt. All brokeness.

His Word assures us that indeed His son is the firstfruits of what is to come. That where it seems like there is only death, life will one day be. He shows us how to live with joy and hope despite the disappointments around us and the great disparity between future glory and now.

So, an Advent soul takes the invitation to explore how much more is on offer than we are currently experiencing. He sees (because God helps him) the discrepancies between future glory and now. Admits, with longing, aching, crying, frustration and sometimes righteous anger, that life isn't the way it should be. for him or for others. But somehow he lives and speaks with patience and grace (not me, yet), knowing that God is the one who will bring it to pass. Because though we are in a season of Advent-- of waiting for God to come-- we are also living in light of the hope and sure promise of the resurrection.

I'm grateful that after a year of Isaiah being home with us, I can tell you he's not our hope. His entry into our family was greatly anticipated, and we longed and ached for him during Advent last year. But my soul is not satisfied with him home. and his soul will not be satisfied with his imperfect family.

I almost long for those days of acutely feeling the pain of waiting for him. that led to desperate waiting and praying for the fulfillment of God's promises for children. for birthmothers. for those who suffer. That season of life was a gift, a glimpse into how and why we should be waiting for our Savior to come again. In fullness. When he will leave nothing untouched by his healing power.

Here's some of what we're told it will be like: "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Look! God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. And they will be his people, and God himself will be with them, and He will be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was sitting on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said "write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Rev 21: 3-5

May our perfectly working clocks grow to feel a bit objectively slower as we long more deeply and eagerly wait for this day to arrive. Habakkuk 2:3: "for the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

PS. Can't go into it now, but obviously it is intended to be an active waiting. not passive. we are to engage, obey God, enter into others' suffering in order to announce that the Kingdom of God is at hand.

God gave us you

2010-11-23T20:23:00.004-05:00

Well, it was a year ago last day-after-Thanksgiving when we first saw a glimpse of our sweet son, Isaiah. I thought it was appropriate to make an exception to my season of not blogging to remember (with you) that day, and the year that has followed.

Though because of its origins Thanksgiving is a little yucky to me (sorry to be a hater, but the pilgrims weren't exactly gentle, gracious, peace loving people), I am still thankful for the holiday, one that perhaps uniquely hasn't been totally commercialized. Besides the traditional meal--who knew people eat turkey AND ham?--Macy's Day parade and football, there aren't that many distractions from what modern Thanksgiving is supposed to be about: family and being thankful.

How fitting that on a holiday intended to teach us to be thankful, when we are all usually surrounded by our extended families, we received news of the greatest earthly gift imaginable: a child. A son. Our "Dieudonne Rukundo", literally "Gift of God" or "Given by God" and "Love".

Psalm 68:6 God puts the lonely into families.

That morning, after many sleepless, tear-filled nights, we found out about our son. And we found out that our son, who went far too long without a family, now had an enormous one. One with parents who glow at the mention of his name, one with a sister who is his best friend and biggest fan, one with cousins he now delights in, aunts and uncles who love him dearly, and grandparents who spoil him in every way. And of course our other extended family--our amazing friends--who have celebrated him, rejoiced with us about him, supported us in the hard days, and delighted in and treasured his presence.

The day we saw your face, William Isaiah Rukundo Thompson, we knew from deep within our souls, that you were our son. Your daddy wept tears of joy. Your mommy jumped onto the chair, shaking with eager anticipation, as we waited to open the emailed picture. In those precious moments, it felt as if every part of us--our mind, body and spirit--burst into jubilant psalm.

I can't articulate the immense joy we experienced the moment we knew your name and saw your beautiful face, and yet our joy has only increased at least tenfold since having you home.

You are our beautiful, sought after, ached and longed for son. We can't imagine our family without your presence. This thanksgiving we give thanks that you are at the table with us. That God gave us you.

The picture we received:

click here and here to see some fun pictures and videos. Happy Thanksgiving!

and one last note: to clarify my last post about Isaiah/us, I would actually say that what feels like regression is actually some kind of progress. in many adoptions, kids hide/pretend for the first many months. being perfectly behaved, always copying siblings' behavior, etc. The ways Isaiah is acting right now actually (I think) shows that he's starting to come out of his shell. he's testing us, wondering how unconditional our love is. he is such a sweet kiddo. please pray we'll be patient and loving and show him he's safe and loved in our home.

signing off...at least for while

2010-11-10T13:35:00.003-05:00

hello friends.
well, things in the house = chaos land. for a number of reasons I'm going to sign off for a while. maybe permanently. here are ways you can pray for us (and you can always email me!!):

best way we can describe it is Isaiah is regressing. we're not sounding an alarm or anything (regression is TOTALLY normal and to be expected), but we're getting some help to make sure we're doing the right things. we're mostly going back to what our lifestyle and parenting approaches were when Isaiah first came home (keeping a slower pace, lots of time in the house, attachment/play therapy strategies, bottles, ergo carrier, etc.) his stomach stuff is still there as well so we're going to be trying to spend more time figuring that out. please pray for our little man to keep moving towards trusting us and believing that we're going to stay. pray that when he pushes us away, when he tries to make us mad at him, that we will show him how much we love him. pray that he'll continue to understand that we're going to love him no matter what. and pray for us to be able to follow through with the things we need to do to make this season of life feel safer to Isaiah. it was easier to do this when he was first home (and easier for other people to understand that we were doing it). he doesn't always show his struggle symptoms with other people around and I need to just deal with people not understanding or believing that I can tell that things aren't going well right now. now that we're back to a mostly normal (pretty fast and pretty relational) pace, it is harder to back out again. but we need to. pray we'll know how to prioritize. how to stay healthy ourselves. pray that we'll just do the things we need to do. and not add a ton on and not waste a ton of time on unhealthy distractions.
coinciding with all of this, I need to not write publicly for a while (which is good because like I already said, I need to spend less time doing it and more time loving my kids and husband and more time making our house not feel like a tornado hit it everyday). Also, I'm starting to depend on writing and on people's opinion of me too much (lives out like an addiction actually). The things I'm most passionate about thinking, writing, talking about (faith, the world/those who are poor, adoption) are difficult to share about in writing. and I'm not very good at talking about them in a grace saturated way. That's not the best representation of Jesus in such a public space, especially when I don't know the actual audience. I also want to be a big deal. I want people to think well of me, of my approach to life. I want them to value our thinking. I know a lot of people struggle with this, but I'm struggling with it in a way that's destructive/too much right now. I need to learn some lessons in quietness, humility, and what feels like obscurity (in other words, being a stay at home mom). pray I'll use the freed up time well. that I'll learn how to be obedient and discerning about whether it is ever healthy or helpful to share in this kind of manner (this is personal. I'll continue to be grateful to read other people's blogs and stories because I love learning in that way...for me right now, though, it seems like it isn't a healthy exercise.) So at least a "fast" from blogging is necessary. perhaps permanently or perhaps only for a while so that it loses the power it has over me right now (power I've given it) and I can handle it with moderation.

I'm so thankful I've been able to depend on this community, even if most of you are anonymous!, through the past many months. I've learned a lot about myself through this. I may post something funny or a prayer request for the kids occasionally, but otherwise I'll be laying low for a while. xoxo

what we shared

2010-11-08T08:18:00.003-05:00

several folks have asked how yesterday morning went/what we shared, so I thought I'd give you a little taste of it. Hunter was the one who talked about our family, so he might give us the full sha-bang at some point.

summary moment (not a part of the service): Hunter said to my sister KayLeigh (because she usually goes to church somewhere else): "I'm so glad you are at church with us this morning!" KK back to him: "I'm so glad Isaiah's at church with us this morning."

So, I was the call to worship person and mostly told others that for that morning we were being invited to have our gap (between how life is and how life should be) expanded, because we were going to hear about beautiful children's stories from around the world who are living in varied situations of suffering. the good news, of course, is that as the gap grows, if we hear the truth of the gospel in the midst of that, if we search the bible to see what God has to say about it, our understanding of how big the gospel is. the beauty of it, the hugeness of it will grow as well. I used the aslan/lucy quote about aslan seeming bigger to her. (and of course when we understand what God has done for us, then we want to be participants in making the gap (between how life is supposed to be and how it is)- smaller.

later in the morning, Hunter shared about our family and shared a little snippet about how the gospel has grown in each of our hearts because of adoption (how we've been shaped in positive ways by it).

lucy prays regularly for kids w/out families and tells Isaiah (when he's sad): "it's okay brother, you're in your family now. she's more compassionate and aware of the world. Hunter has gone from only (mostly) caring about the big picture systemic change (in an emotionally removed kind of way) into a much more emotional, father-like response. I've been given a window more into God's heart for those who are suffering (and of course into my self-righteousness, though he didn't share that). and Isaiah is much better able to believe (we hope) that God is loving and good because he is starting to receive the essentials that, without which, makes it really difficult to believe or understand God's love.

then he shared about how Isaiah's tummy problems are still causing us some significant trouble, but we can get an army of folks at the hospital. all the experts we need to address it. whereas there are lots of kids at home of hope and around the country and around the world who don't have parents to advocate on their behalf. and so we need to remember them. pray for them. advocate for them. provide for them.

other folks shared as well, which was BEAUTIFUL about downs syndrome adoption. it was a beautiful morning. here's a quote from the end of our pastor's sermon (which was really great as as a whole!):

"on the cross, when the Father turned his face from his son. when, as the Jesus storybook bible records, Jesus cried out "Papa! Papa, where are you! Papa don't leave me!" the Son of God, our suffering savior, experienced the rejection, despair, confusion, disorientation and sadness that orphans all over the world experience. he experienced it on a cosmic level so that ONE DAY, like it is recorded in rev 21, there will be no more sadness. no more poverty, no more war, no more sickness or any other reason that causes children to be orphaned. HE experienced it, HE tasted suffering and in his resurrection he declared victory over it. one day it will be no more.

and, as if that's not enough, though children who are orphans in this world did nothing to deserve their estranged status, the Bible tells us that we, who deserve to be separated from God, who deserved to have him turn his back on us because of sin, we are told in the Bible that Jesus was rejected by God so that we could be adopted by him. he paid all the expenses of our adoption. and we are now brothers and co-heirs with Christ. no other God is like that, who will end suffering, who will end the orphan crisis, because he tasted it, becoming like one himself. who would give up his rightful position as son and equal with God so that we, who continually turn our backs on him, could be adopted into God's family. but that's the very God we serve."

he also shared this great John Stott quote on suffering:
“I could never believe in God, if it were not for the cross… In the real world of pain, how could one worship a God who was immune to it? I have entered many Buddhist temples in different Asian countries and stood respectfully before the statue of Buddha, his legs crossed, arms folded, eyes closed, the ghost of a smile playing round his mouth, a remote look on his face, detached from the agonies of the world. But each time after a while I have had to turn away. And in imagination I have turned instead to that lonely, twisted, tortured figure on the cross, nails through hands and feet, back lacerated, limbs wrenched, brow bleeding from thorn-pricks, mouth dry and intolerably thirsty, plunged in God-forsaken darkness. That is the God for me! He laid aside his immunity to pain. He entered our world of flesh and blood, tears and death. He suffered for us. Our sufferings become more manageable in light of his. There is still a question mark against human suffering, but over it we boldly stamp another mark, the cross which symbolizes divine suffering.”- John Stott - The Cross of Christ

We sang "a mighty fortress is our God", "Victory in Jesus", I am bound for the Promised Land" and other songs that remind us that one day the battle (in this case, suffering) will be over. God has won.

I loved it :)

you had me at Open Letters

2010-11-07T20:43:00.002-05:00

Dear wifey:
thanks so much for coming this weekend. you are the best E-harmony-like friend I've ever had. and since you are my blog dawg (I have no idea why I just made up that terrible term that doesn't sound like anything either of us would say) I dedicate this post to you.

You make me laugh harder than most people in the world, in writing and in person. and I could say the same thing about how much you make me think. Thanks for using your creativity, your brilliant, sassy and super-quick wit, and your depth of character and faith in your writing (and for forbearing with me and the uber-serious tone in mine). you are a gift.

short and sweet:

you blew me away with ideas and moments like this
you almost lost me because of ridiculously cute things like this or this (and, well, anything crafty)
I thought you stole my brain at points like this
I almost peed my pants in times like this

and yet, you are even more intriguing, funny, beautiful, creative, joyful and simply lovely in person. but, like my best friend here says (and it is such a gift for me to know and learn to believe): I don't love you because of any of those things. I just love you. so, if your posts ever start showing the (figurative) mid-forties sag, I'll love you anyway.

You had me at Open Letters,
Adrianne

"Aslan, you're bigger."

2010-11-02T05:25:00.006-04:00

Did you know that Lucy, our daughter's name, is a family name? Yep, 5th one in 10 generations (or something like that). The name actually came as a "gentle suggestion" from a family member on Hunter's side. But in actuality, its family significance was only a really small part of the reason that we named her Lucy.

[Note to reader: please don't tell this to my in-laws, especially Hunter's maternal grandmother, because I hope I scored some major points with the "family name choice." While we're at it, actually, don't tell them that the real reason I chose an Episcopal pre-school was not because of its academic or spiritual superiority or my desire to have her at an Episcopal school at all, but because of proximity to our house and the carpool rules (I don't have to get out of our car). Deep thanks go out to my girl, Susie, for giving me those extremely valuable criteria for selection. I'm serious.]

The two biggest reasons we named her Lucy were:

1. Lucy means "bringer of light." what a prayer we have for her little life. that she'd bring light, hope and joy everywhere she goes.

2. In CS Lewis' wonderful series, the Chronicles of Narnia, one of the four main characters is named Lucy. In one of the books, Lucy is able to physically see Aslan (Jesus) when other people can't, particularly when they are all lost and unsure of what direction to go. Again, another prayer we have for her life: that in the midst of darkness and confusion, whether other people see Him or not, Lucy would see "Aslan" and gently point others in his direction (and that she would follow him).

As we've thought about what to share about our family's adoption story this upcoming Sunday at church, a friend reminded me of this beautiful quote from Prince Caspian (one of the books in the Chronicles of Narnia series).

In Lucy’s first encounter with Aslan in this story, she says,“Aslan, Aslan. Dear Aslan. At last.”…She gazed up into the large wise face. “Welcome child,” he said.“Aslan,” said Lucy, “you’re bigger.” “That is because you are older, little one,” answered he.“Not because you are?”“I am not. But every year you grow, you will find me bigger.”

When I became a Christian (though I grew up in the church, I'd say this really happened for me in college), the thing that was most important to me was the fact that I got cut from the women's basketball team at Wake Forest. Totally legitimately, God opened my eyes to him through the humility, sadness, and brokenness that came from this deep disappointment. I learned that God was big enough to handle our disappointments, insecurities, identity crisis, etc. That's how big I needed him to be, and that's about as big as I saw him.

Since then, though, I've grown in my love for God, which has led me to situations where I've had my eyes opened to a lot of suffering in the world. I've traveled to many places in the world that people consider "developing" or "third world" countries. I lived in Zimbabwe with beautiful girls who were orphaned, mostly because of a combination of AIDS and poverty. I went on humbling and inspiring work trips to learn about how God is at work in Uganda, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, Kenya, Guatemala, Ecuador, Brazil and India.

And through adopting Isaiah from Rwanda, God has continued to open my eyes to the way many people in the world live.

The suffering many people face is completely overwhelming and should ruin our appetites.

And my understanding of a God from college who can meet you in fairly minor disappointments and insecurities-- comparatively speaking-- wasn't strong enough to handle the things I had seen. the systemic brokenness, the sheer numbers of children who are orphaned or who only eat once a day. the personal stories of heartache. each one enough to make you sob yourself to sleep and wonder about a loving God.

Simultaneously, in the past 18 months of our adoption story with Isaiah, I've also learned a lot more about myself. More about the ways I live that fall very short of what is acceptable. my pride. my self love and self absorbtion. my self righteousness. my judgmental attitude. my laziness. and so on. I realized personally I needed a God who was much bigger, much more gracious to cover my sin and make me acceptable to God.

I needed him to be bigger for the suffering of the world. and I needed him to be bigger for me. or else I had no hope and no assurance.

And God has shown himself so much bigger. So much more faithful.

But, like Aslan said, He didn't grow; it was my understanding of him that did.

I've searched the Bible for hope, I've pleaded and cried out in anger in prayer at what felt like an absent God in the face of suffering, I've invited the Holy Spirit to search my heart and show me what is offensive.

and I've seen.

he's answered prayers. He's shown me his promises in the Bible. promises to wipe away every tear. promises to restore everything that's broken. he's shown me a Jesus, our savior, who wept over death. He's shown me a God who hears the cries of the afflicted. who promises justice for the oppressed. he's shown me mercy for me, a sinner in need of grace. and he's shown me hope and promise for a world that suffers.

and now when I worship God I sometimes feel like I'm going to burst because the news is so much better than it has ever been. it has always been this good, I just didn't know it.

I'm so excited to hear the Gospel preached this weekend, particularly in light of the brokenness and suffering in the world. I want us all to grow in our understanding of the enormity and beauty of the Gospel. and when we talk about facing big issues like "the orphan crisis", we have to talk about a really big God.

I'm so thankful for Isaiah being in our family for countless reasons. one of them is that his story is a means of grace for me. I'm learning that God is the one who is going to save the world and who has saved me.

"Salvation is from God." did you know that's the literal meaning of Isaiah?

some thoughts on care and caution about upcoming orphan sunday

2010-10-26T18:42:00.007-04:00

So, this is just a conversation starter. I've not thought through this enough to cling too hard to my ideas below. Some of these thoughts have been brewing for a long time, and I want to learn from what other people think. and I want to speak into the conversation as well. I'm sure my ideas/thoughts aren't new; in some circles of people/organizations who work for the good of those who are poor, this conversation is advanced and pretty mature; in other circles it is less so. I'm going to embolden the main points below for easier/faster reading. feel free to skip through and comment if you have thoughts or ideas.

I don't want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells when communicating about these issues around me (or others), but I hope by sharing these thoughts on caution we'll better love these children around the world.

With a special Sunday coming up, where, in lots of churches throughout the country (including ours), children around the world who have been orphaned will be recognized, prayed for, honored and defended; God will be lifted up as the One who hears their cry; whole services will be purposely shaped to communicate God's great love for these kids and His command for us to defend the cause of the fatherless (By the way, praise God that this is happening in so many churches!!), I just want to offer a few words of caution and care for me and others involved:

1. Let's be creative in the ways we defend the cause of the fatherless and advocate for these children. and let's be extremely careful that we do it without objectifying them. it is a slippery slope and so important. There are lots of ways you can "fall off" regarding this issue, actually. and, not surprisingly, I've probably done them all.

you can go anywhere from exaggerating, potentially overdramatizing or treating unique stories in a way that allows people to think that (the terrible picture painted) is the life of every child who was orphaned or the life of every child who lives in Africa... all the way to undercommunicating the actual devastation that exists in lots of places and making poverty palatable.

many of us are familiar with the first set of issues; we've watched the videos that leave us feeling completely sick and convicted/guilty. some of that is real and good to communicate because we should care about those needs and work for good, but it can sometimes border on (or worse than border) on being manipulative of the viewers and objectifying of the kids in the videos. I think we know that danger a little bit.

but perhaps you are less familiar with the flipside (potentially undercommunicating the needs of children who are orphaned)...I'll hit on this in a different way on another point below (making sure we don't take the "spiritual adoption" comparison too far), but for now, I'll say this. I looooooove Mocha Club and their "we need africa more than africa needs us" campaign. love it. so much so that I'm tempted not to say any cautious words because I'd MUCH MUCH MUCH rather err on this side. seriously, watch the awesome video I linked above. it is great ... but just in case there are people out there like me, who sometimes struggle with this side too, I have to.

while, like they say in the video, there are tons of beautiful, joyful stories in the midst of poverty... overcorrection and communicating that it is just beautiful. that the stories are just so joyful. like poverty is to be somehow envied...which is why we should all move our families there because you learn better life lessons...is obviously dangerous too. there are TONS of stories like that. and we should learn from them. many people who live in very poor circumstances really are very joyful. and I wish so much that there weren't terrible stories. that there weren't ones that don't have silver lining. I wish there weren't stories that would never, ever, ever be envied.

but there are stories like that.

poverty sometimes--way too many times--reaches a level that doesn't have space for finding the good in the story. and we should make sure that in our good fight to protect the dignity of those who are poor and the beauty in some of the stories, we don't protect people from hearing the truth of other, worse, situations. we need to make sure we don't make extreme poverty somehow palatable.

again, I'm not picking a fight with Mocha club or mocha club lovers. I'm a huge fan. but I am suggesting that some people might misinterpret their great material and, without more information, underappreciate some of the real needs.

crazy how we can fall of the wagon so many ways, no?

good grief that was long. sorry. moving on.

2. During our church service that Sunday, Hunter and I have been asked to share about our experience adopting Isaiah. While I'm comfortable speaking in a lot of situations, it feels pretty clear that I might not handle this one so well (no, really??) so Hunter will speak on our behalf.

We want to find ways to appropriately share our experience in a way, like above, that doesn't pretend like Isaiah's life was just grand and perfect before, but without speaking disparagingly of his life in Rwanda and without objectifying him. without leading him (or others) to feel like he is a cause in our family instead of our precious, unique, beautiful son.

we want to honor him and our careful thinking about language is critical. (similarly, we were conscious of this with our journey to isaiah video (wanting joyful music that wouldn't pull too hard on heartstrings...but I also don't want to pretend that it is all just peachy. aye yi yi.)

A friend who advocates for people who live in unbelievably terrible circumstances around the world has a rule that, when he is speaking or writing about a person, he imagines that they are in the room with him. listening intently and understanding every word. he "brings them to the conversation" in his mind, which helps him make sure he speaks in a dignifying and truthful way.

on a different, but related note, I also want to protect the honor of the people who live in Rwanda. especially the amazing women who cared for Isaiah at Home of Hope, who willingly live in tough circumstances.

anyway, I would love for people to caution me when I've gone too far in sharing things. I mean that. I'm sure it will be hard to hear, but I'd like to err on that side of the conversation since my tendency is probably to overshare. Are there folks out there who have good measuring sticks or rules for how/what/when to share?

3. you've probably noticed it already, but, when possible, I think let's try to say "children who are orphaned" instead of "orphans." maybe that's just semantics, but saying "orphans" seems too defining, too minimizing of other things that define people. I get that for many kids this is the most defining thing in their life and I don't want to underappreciate that, but, like my friends Chris and Phileena Heuertz at Word Made Flesh, I would tend towards: people who are poor, children who are orphaned, women who prostitute. it is something about them; it isn't who they are.

4. Lastly, I'm super thankful for the comparison people have made between our spiritual adoption by God (through Christ we are now his sons) and the adoption of children. it is an interesting and sometimes helpful comparison. I totally agree.

However, from the way I understand it at least, the actual link between those things is not made in the Bible. I make that distinction because, like any metaphor, it only works for so long.

I think it is great because it helps us identify how God put us into his family, though we weren't naturally his children. and that leads us to be thankful for his grace in Jesus and leads us to live our lives differently. and that's beautiful...

but here are my two words of caution about it.

1) make sure you know that the comparison breaks down at this really important point. it was our fault (sin) that we weren't in God's family, except for his saving grace. it isn't a child's fault that they don't have a family. Isaiah wasn't undeserving of a family. it wasn't unmerited grace or sacrificial love that brought Isaiah into our family.

little annoying sidebar because this is uber-long already, but I'm doing this great bible study material right now, but the usage of the word "orphan" about how we act when we don't remember God's love for us is totally grating me. and I think this is why. someone help me develop or correct this thought!?! I just don't want people to overspiritualize the word orphan to describe how we sometimes act. bleh. I get it...but I feel unsure about it and unnerved all at once. bleh.

2) this is probably where I could get into trouble. but in wealthier contexts we have to try a little harder to identify with parts of scripture that talk about needs of the poor, and because of that, I think we can sometimes read into something a little too far. or at least we can forget and undercommunicate that the Bible is (also?) talking about actual physical poverty. in other words, I totally agree that Jesus wanted us to see that we are spiritually poor. but sometimes when we overemphasize the spiritual side, to help people who are materially wealthy identify with the content, we mistakenly ignore the physical side that Jesus was definitely also talking about. sometimes Jesus is only talking about physical poverty and we're not supposed to identify with the verse, we're supposed to understand and do something about it. "I was an orphan too before God adopted me" is true, but it doesn't mean you understand what it is like. (Obviously at churches on "orphan sunday," people are going to talk about the need to care for kids who are physically orphaned...but this has been on my mind a lot so I wanted to take some time to try to explain.)

I'm sooooooooo thankful that our congregation will participate in this kind of service. and I'm so thankful for the organizations that provide resources to help people think about issues faced by so many people in the world. I hope my caution doesn't communicate a lack of gratitude for or understanding of the need to draw attention to these important stories... I just figure in this pretty safe space where most of you read this because "defending the fatherless" is on your mind, that perhaps communicating these things on the front end can help us as we think about preparing for the services.

please talk back to me on these things. tell me ways you've wrestled with these issues too. rules you've made about talking about your kids, if at all (don't worry, I won't feel super judged. I know God leads people in different ways). tell me how you feel about potentially overspiritualizing words like orphan, poor, hungry.

love and pride can occupy the same spaces

2010-10-24T12:35:00.002-04:00

yesterday at church felt like one of the many hard mornings during the last (and ridiculously painful) stretch of waiting time last fall. as we painfully waited for Isaiah to be with us. I'm not sure why, really. I've been increasingly emotional lately, thinking about Isaiah's story. though his story is of course personal and unique, part of it is also a story shared with millions of people around the world.

he didn't have a family.

I know, I know. He was always part of ours. and I really feel that way. and God was always with him, even when he was alone. That is not cheap encouragement. I think it is a necessary and helpful reminder. But if it is supposed to make the reality of orphanhood, for Isaiah or anyone else, somehow more palatable. or if it leads us to be complacent about the millions of kids around the world who don't have families:

no. thank. you.

yesterday morning our church recognized Compassion Sunday, where we heard testimonies from people who have sponsored kids through Compassion International, to help pay for school fees, medical bills, food, etc. I was feeling a little bit vomity (thinking about the reality of people Isaiah and we remember, who are still living at Home of Hope, people I know around the world who live and work in extremely difficult and painfully impoverished areas, who deeply love people who really don't have enough to eat. who really don't have access to the basic necessities of life. people whose life expectancy is unjustly and unfathomably lower than ours just because they were born someplace different than me. people who literally prostitute their children because otherwise they can't buy food to feed the kids they love. kids, of course, who can't imagine that there is a God who loves them... or else why would their life look like this.)

it was bad enough just imagining some of those stories that I'm all too familiar with, and then one of our friends said 'we're going to watch a video now to hear more about the lives Compassion International is touching.' I was already starting to cry and I looked at Hunter and desperately mumbled something like, "I've got to get out of here. this isn't going to be good."

and I bolted. I made a beeline for the back of the room where I watched and, as silently as possible, cried soft, broken, mama bear tears over the lives of precious kids who don't have families.

Isaiah's story could have been different. or, at least, lots of other beautiful, amazing, made-in-God's-image kids' lives are really painfully different. because of really sad, unjust things.

Let me pause for a second. If you've been around this blog for a while, I won't have to remind you of my enormous struggles with pride and self-righteousness when it comes to being a mommy of an incredible Rwandan kiddo. If there is a chance to pervert something beautiful God gave to me (love of the marginalized and sometimes forgotten), I did it and I do it. I've been known to awkwardly steer conversations to let people know that we have an adoptive son from Rwanda, hoping they'll think well of me. (vomit) In my worst moments I've felt like everyone should adopt (and that isn't the case) and I've hoped that no one else around us would adopt (so I can feel special and superior). I am so ashamed of the ways I've been prideful, selfrighteous and ungracious.

and yet, "love and pride can occupy the same spaces" sometimes. that's a line from a Sara Groves song that is in this video we made for Isaiah. what a great description of my life as it relates to these issues.

I'm so thankful for the ways God has given me a measure of his thoughts towards those who are poor. that they are deeply loved, beautiful, dear, gifted, valued, equal. I'm so thankful for how he has given me a measure of his thoughts about injustice and the poor: that He is close to the brokenhearted. that he will hear their cries. that he will punish the wicked. that He wants his people, US!, to intervene. that he wants us to defend the cause of the fatherless and widow. to break the yolk of oppression. to live simply so others can simply live. that he sent his son to die so that one day, every tear will be wiped. and there will be no more hunger, sadness, brokenness, prostitution, orphanhood, death, mourning.

as I pray that he continues to open my eyes to his compassion, to seeing the world as he sees it, asking him to help me weep over what he weeps over. I pray that he will give me a greater measure of his grace that will keep me humble, gentle, respectful, loving, forbearing and full of grace.

because I want these real things to be heard. truths about injustice. pain. suffering. brokenness. and I feel like the way I talk, not seasoned or deeply marinated enough by grace and humility, gives people legitimate reasons not to listen.

tribute to our dad

2010-10-22T20:32:00.002-04:00

Our dad was the recipient of the 100th anniversary Boy Scouts of America Distinguished Citizen award for the region we live in, and last night was the dinner and awards ceremony. A few weeks ago my sisters and I decided to touch base with the event organizers to see if we could surprise our dad by giving a short tribute during the ceremony. We were so grateful that they allowed us to do that. It was a really memorable time. There were so many more things we could have said about him, but they told us we had 3 minutes and (shhhhh) I knew this was at least 4. so we had to stop somewhere. enjoy reading about our wonderful dad!

Good evening, my name is Adrianne Thompson and I am the very proud daughter of Ron Vodenichar. I am number three of four daughters in our family. So in several ways, it is no small feat that, of all the organizations out there-- after raising only girls--our dad is being honored by the Boy Scouts.

It is an enormous privilege to get to honor and thank our father publicly. Not many of us have the chance to do that, so thank you to the organizers of tonight’s event for making space for me to say a few words. My three sisters and I worked on this together over email, and I have the tough job of trying to speak our thoughts without crying.

There are actually two sayings that I'd like to highlight tonight as I talk about our dad. They center around two things that we all know he loves deeply: God and sports. The first comes from the Bible and goes like this "to whom much is given, much is to be expected." We believe that God has richly blessed our father in many ways, and those blessings have made him the man he is today.

The first gift our father received was the nuclear family into which he was born. The wonderful mother who raised him from the age of 12 is here tonight, his father and mother are surely proud of him in heaven, and his 11 brothers and sisters have been so loyal and a source of great support and joy to our family through the years.

Secondly, God gave our dad our mother as his wife, helper and partner in life. She is the kind of woman who sees the LORD in the most broken of people and places, and she treats everyone--someone with a position of power and the least of these among us--with dignity, trust, respect, and, of course, a little bit of sass.

Finally, God gave our dad his fair share-- perhaps more than his fair share-- of gifts and skills that make him the man he is: a sharp mind, determination, faith, and a beautiful story from growing up that make him compassionate, generous, hard working, humble and hopeful.

So again, as we think about those wonderful, numerous gifts our dad received, there is a sort of flipside: To whom much is given, much is to be expected. I don’t know if many of you know this, but our dad was actually pretty sheepish about receiving this award, and part of that is because he feels like he’s only lived appropriately based on the cards he was dealt. And of course he isn’t satisfied with how much he’s served. He is overwhelmed with emotion every year at Christmastime, wondering how to share more of the blessings that we have. And that kind of humility and dissatisfaction-- longing to serve more-- are two of the things we love and respect most about him.

The second expression is a sports saying that goes like this "champions are made when no one else is around." The same can be said of servants or distinguished citizens. In the verse "to whom much is given, much is expected," the critical word tonight, I think, is expected. You see, though so many of us have been given so much, not as many of us have followed through. Not many have tried to live up to that expectation.

And there's a reason for that. Like I already said, servants are made when no one else is around. The life of a servant is hard and often thankless. While many of us will be inspired and moved tonight, hearing about a life well lived, few of us will be inspired enough to do the sometimes monotonous, slow, thankless, humble work that is at the heart of a true servant. That is at the heart of our dad.

A few examples: for many years, our dad taught the boys Sunday school class at church. They weren't all the same age, but the thing that united them was that they were tough, restless, bored with the Bible, and not very teachable. Oh, and driving all the female Sunday school teachers crazy. But our dad faithfully served them every week. And he loved it. He brought them brownies, made the conversation relevant and tried his best to point them to the God he serves.

Secondly, at our father’s initiation, our family hosted many people from international exchange programs, ranging anywhere from 2 weeks to an entire year. Many people are willing to serve if it is in a way that is compartmentalized and not too sacrificial; not many serve when the hospitality is that lengthy and invasive of space. Especially not when, at one point, it meant hosting another 2 females, when he was already so outnumbered.

While there are many much larger scale acts of service that are notable about my dad, that have already been listed tonight, those oftentimes carry with them their own reward (like thoughtful awards and recognition like this.) But it is the things like teaching boys Sunday school, week in and week out, bringing his family along with him to serve pancakes at Rotary election day breakfasts, providing warm, generous hospitality to folks through international exchange programs, serving dinner at Katie’s kitchen, regularly bringing the family to sing together at assisted living facilities, ringing the bell for the salvation army, making dinner for our dear 90-year old friends, the Parvises, those kinds of smaller, mustard-seed-like, anonymous or prolonged acts of service are what really make up the heart of a servant. And those are the kinds of things that make us most proud of our father.

My time is short so let me end by repeating: Daddy, to whom much is given, much is to be expected. And my sisters and I have no idea how we can live in a faithful manner anywhere close to proportional to the gift you have been to us. We are so thankful and so proud. Congratulations daddy.

walk4water and Isaiah's tummy

2010-10-01T08:06:00.006-04:00

tomorrow morning, friends of ours in Lancaster are hosting a walk to promote awareness about unclean water in Rwanda. 4-more, the organization that planned the event, exists to find ways to provide all that we take for granted (family, water, life, love) to children who are orphans in Rwanda. One of the founders, Laurel Greer, is a friend and fellow adoptive mama. she's the jam. She and 3 best friends started this organization. ummmm, yes please.

to personalize it, though, today we're starting another round of treatments for Isaiah's stomach issues. 4 antibiotics and a fifth medicine for reflux. we've been home for 7 months and he still has giardia (a water born parasite that causes stomach pain and lots of beyond disgusting diapers. no really, you have no idea how yucky unless you've "been there.") he's had other parasites, too, over the past 8 months.

even sadder than that, this summer I realized more of the extent of Isaiah's digestive issues. it is all interrelated. We've been told that because of his nutrition (because while the sisters do EVERYTHING they can for the kids at Home of Hope...their food/water situation isn't healthy or enough.) anyway, because of what he ate and drank for the 21 months he lived at Home of Hope (and probably what he had before that too) we've been told it will take years for his digestive system to recover. and it might not ever function properly.

This summer the combination of his digestive and emotional issues nearly overwhelmed me. While I was at my adoption wife, Susie's, house (LOVE HER), Isaiah and Lucy stayed in the same room as me. I started hearing Isaiah throw up a little bit pretty regularly. He would throw up in his mouth and then swallow it down. I had noticed this habit before, but he never spit and he's always on the move so I didn't realize how often it happened. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. But after hearing it happen several times within 10 minutes, I said to him, "Isaiah, do you want to spit it out?" and he nodded his head furiously. He ran to the bathroom, spit it out and then walked out with this HUGE grin on his face. He ran over to the bed, gave me a kiss and said, "thank you mommy. Ndagukunda." and he repeated each step: throw up, communicate that he needs to spit, spit, huge grin, "thank you mommy Ndagukunda" until after 10:30 pm. at least 10 times.

on the 9 hour car trip home, he threw up over 20 times into a cup I gave him. it was awful.

now I notice that he throws-up 5-10 times after most meals and snacks. sometimes he remembers to spit it out and sometimes he doesn't. some foods make it worse (we're gluten and dairy free) but it never is absent. it isn't just reflux, but we're starting those meds too to see if it helps some.

kids shouldn't throw up in their mouths or if they do, they should realize that it isn't normal. and they shouldn't think they should swallow it.

walk for water, friends, so that kids don't have to walk MILES for water that looks like this.

so that kids don't have to have stomach pain. So that kids don't throw up in their mouths and swallow it down. so that life expectancy (and enjoyment) in Rwanda is at least a little more just.

photos, songs, blah blah blah

2010-09-23T08:05:00.003-04:00

I made this little video on my birthday (a few days ago), which was the date last year when we received our approval (from Rwanda) to adopt Isaiah. ah the memories. seriously, not sure when I got hit with the sap bug...but it is out of control. Please notice that when the line "love and pride can occupy the same spaces" comes, there is a picture of Hunter and me. it should just be me. how true is that statement? God is teaching me and changing me, I hope. And I love the line "if we go looking for offense, we're gonna find it." pretty darn true, huh?

a year ago right now were the times when I was up most of the night starting at 3 am, knowing that MIGEPROF was open for business and might email me our referral. well, actually, I had already struggled with that for a few months, but the next 2 1/2 months were the most intensely painful and gut wrenching ones I've experienced in life so far. I'm so thankful for the ways God has shaped me through the wait and through having Isaiah in our family. but it wasn't and isn't easy.

Praying for the waiting families, especially Rwanda ones. love you all!

thankful

2010-09-20T18:18:00.004-04:00

So, I actually wrote a different post earlier today. perhaps some of you read part of or all of it. I decided to remove it for various reasons. But I want to share a few things about the last several days for me, since I posted my last (serious) post.

here's the reader's digest version. and below you'll find the longer version.

reader's digest:

when I/we post or share pictures of ourselves, most of us like to share the ones where we think we look our best. sometimes the picture doesn't even really, accurately look like us. but we look good. that's the way I usually live my life. trying to look, sound, appear good. here's picture a)

but then we always blow it. and sometimes it is nice to admit that we aren't that pretty. that a lot of times we can be really ugly, actually. So the reality is I usually look like this (not 9 months pregnant, but you know):

but Jesus is making me beautiful. in the important kinds of ways.

The longer version of things I've learned this week:

I wish my thoughts, ideas, faith and passions were more grace saturated. That when God leads our family to things, I wouldn't be threatened by or insecure because of other (different) approaches to life. I wish I would instead delight in the Creator who gifts people to serve Him very differently and very beautifully. Even the way I talk about longing (and calling others) to not be judgmental has a tone of judgment instead of a tone of grace and humility. pray with me that God will really soften all of me. I read a recent post from some sort of friends (you know, this weird adoption blogging world) and as they talked about why their family is adopting again, they said it in such a wonderful way. first talking about the ways many of their other friends have been called to other beautiful things. sincerely enjoying the variety and differences. and then they confidently but not-at-all arrogantly talked about the direction God is leading their family. oh that God would work gentleness, humility and grace into my life in this particular way.
The way we handle talking about and living the callings on our lives matters. If you're familiar with 1 Cor 13, Adrianne = clanging cymbal and resounding gong. I'm so thankful (and of course broken and feel like vomiting) by the openness of several friends who, after reading my most recent post, have already tenderly and graciously shared with me that, indeed, because of the ways I sometimes act and think, our friendship has sometimes been painful for them. they felt the very things I feared they might have felt. I'm so humbled by people being willing to love me despite the ugliness that's so often present in me. it is new to me to be this vulnerable and in need of real forgiveness in friendship. it is hard. but I bet it will be worth it.
I'm not alone. several sensitive friends wrote to me (or talked to me) sharing about how, though they haven't adopted, they've thought and acted similarly about other choices in their own lives. who they vote for. where they shop (thrift store, consignment, Target, high end, etc.) what foods their kids eat. whether they garden or CSA. what preschool their kids attend. whether they work or don't work as a mom. what church they go to. what kind of house they live in. and on and on. I am hoping that through these conversations, we'll learn to love each other better and learn to love the God who intentionally and beautifully made us all differently. certainly I need to learn that.
there's a way to share your junk that lets Jesus and his unbelievable grace and forgiveness become central and a way to share your junk that positions you as central. and I need to learn the difference. I'm so glory and attention/approval hungry that if I can make my identity be "the best sin admitter ever", I'll take it. praying Jesus will become more central in every way for me.
Letting your junk out there for the world to see and examine is really scary. showing my real (sometimes) self is terrifying and freeing all at the same time. while I feel pretty terrified that people don't have to (and this week I feel like they shouldn't want to) be my friend. I'm delighting in and feeling surprised and joyful because of the Father's love for me. what an unfair thing?! I get all the treasures of heaven, even though I've tried to steal glory from God. I've not loved His children well. I've failed to delight in the presence of His image on everyone he made. And yet, I get everything that Jesus deserved. and he got death and separation from God. I'm reminded that when I was an enemy of God (a lot of the ways I still act), Jesus died for me. even though I have such an ugly heart a lot of the time, Jesus is standing at the right hand of God telling him that I can't be punished for my ugly sins because he already paid for them. He's showing the Father His wounds, proving my righteousness before God.

Oh may that deeply change my heart and my behavior. may it make me quiet when I should be quiet. and vocal when I should be vocal. may it cause everything I say and do to be saturated by that same grace. may it make me encourage others to see the beauty of God in them. may it make me think of myself less often. may it allow me to receive forgiveness and not lose sleep over my reputation. may it help me love others more than I love myself.

happy birthday to me. :)

nearly overwhelming

2010-09-16T15:38:00.002-04:00

what I said before we met him:

When we meet him I'm going to RESTRAIN myself as much as possible. I'm actually hoping the sister who brings him to us won't be holding him and won't try to put him in my arms. I mean, of course I'm DYING to hold him, but I'm hoping we'll get to give him the chance to call the shots a little bit. Feel a little more comfortable in the first moments we have with him. If he was younger I wouldn't be as worried about this...but since he's older, I imagine this is going to scare the crap out of him and I want to be as gracious about it as we can.

what I felt while he approached us for the first time (one of my favorite simple lines in a book ever):

the temptation to cuddle [him] was nearly overwhelming

what actually happened

I guess more accurately I should have said that the temptation to cuddle him was completely overwhelming.

and it still is.

adoption righteousness

2010-09-14T13:40:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I provide warnings at the beginning of my posts. usually that means I'm about to confess my junk. The warning is there because, for whatever reason, people may not want to read it (it may lead you to have a lower opinion of me, yourself, or it make you feel really conflicted and confused. Or all of the above.)

consider yourself warned.

So, I was listening to this sermon from Tim Keller yesterday. I think it was the third or fourth time I've listened to this particular sermon. it is that good. it is on the passage in Luke 18: 9-14 where Jesus tells a story about two men who are praying. the one is a Pharisee (religious leader) and he basically prays about how awesome he is. let's make sure we're tracking. he prays about how awesome he (himself) is. while talking about how relatively terrible other people are. and that's his whole prayer.

the other person is a tax collector, who can barely even hold up his head because of his shame. He only prays for God's mercy and forgiveness, knowing his unworthiness before God. The tax collector leaves justified and the Pharisee does not.

There is a ton to say about this story. but most of you come here to think and talk about adoption, so I'll limit my thoughts to something Keller said that ruined me in a good way. Just so you know, the same approach could be applied in regard to public schooling/home schooling, urban living, church planting, etc.

The passage actually starts out "To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down upon everybody else".

ouch already. He might as well have said “To Adrianne Thompson.”

I'm not sure if you've struggled with this as much as I have. but when I follow God to something He's called us to—perhaps especially something like adoption that leads us to a place where we receive attention (that may be good or it may be bad. but in our situation it is certainly not avoidable.) anyway, when God shows me something in particular that I should do, so commences the "look down on everyone who is not doing it that way so I can think better of myself" ugliness.
In the sermon on this passage, Keller notes something interesting that I've never seen. He calls it cultural imperialism. In the story, the Pharisee starts listing why he is better than other people: he doesn't rob (that's in the Bible). he doesn't commit adultery (that's in the Bible). he doesn't steal (that's in the Bible). he tithes (that's in the Bible). but then there is this really interesting thing that happens. The Pharisee slips something in to his, otherwise Biblically accurate, (though unhealthy in self exaltation and he probably minimizes the sins) list. He says: I fast twice a week.

Now perhaps God told him to fast twice a week. So maybe it was an act of obedience. But by placing it here, in a laundry list of To Dos (or not to dos) where he’s comparing himself at every point with people who he is saying are inferior to him, he is “sneaking it in to the divine will” in order to make himself feel better than other people.

Keller says that “if you are not glory satiated in the center of your being. If you are not filled with a sense of approval in your heart. If you are not utterly sure of who you are. If you do not feel so incredibly valued and loved. Then you’re going to do this too.”

And I have.

So often I have taken things I think God has shown our family to do: adopt, move into the city, participate in a church plant, confess sin somewhat widely, etc. and moved them into the divine will (which means I mistakenly think and/or communicate that if they (whoever they are) were really trying to serve God, they would do them too). Sometimes, because of that, I try to encourage others to follow us and to do the same things we do (thinking that's pointing them to Jesus). And sometimes I hope they won’t so that I can continue to feel special/better than other people. My sin tendencies are confused and plentiful.

both ways are inaccurate and squelch the Spirit's creativity, power and distinctiveness in the lives of believers.

Let me pause to say that it might not actually be super obvious (to you or to others) if you struggle with this. Ask God/the Spirit to help you to know. To search your motives and your heart. Most people wouldn’t easily catch me communicating these ugly things directly. I usually say the right thing (God makes us all differently, gives us different gifts and intends for us to express them in varied ways). But the issues are there if you dig beneath the surface. And it matters. I believe that subtle sins (especially when connected to moral behaviors/self righteousness) are so often the most dangerous and damaging kind.

So what does this really mean? When examined, I’ve realized that so often it isn’t God’s way that I commend to people (which is so much more unpredictable and beautifully varied in its expressions). It is my way that I commend.

Even in my last post while I was trying to point people to look to Jesus to lead their families, I also listed activities for which I want people to think well of me (adoption, considering a move to Rwanda, church plant, etc.) Though I really, honestly want to point others to follow Jesus, I’m sure that on most days I want that to look just like the ways he leads me. so I can feel important, affirmed, influential. Actually it is probably people’s prayers for me after reading that post that are causing me to have a softened heart and better understanding of my sin. And to ask for forgiveness.

I’m almost done, I promise.

Just to make sure I don’t leave this objection out there without some response. While the Bible isn’t clear about the fasting twice a week rule (which is part of why the Pharisees' list is a problem), the Bible obviously says TONS about caring for the widow and orphan.

No question: God commands us to care for the widow and orphan. But some people literally think every Christian, especially in the US, should be adopting (which isn't what the Bible says). Those of us who aren’t so zealous, though, maybe think we're in a better place. but are we merely paying lip service when we say “not everyone should adopt. There are lots of ways to help care for widows/orphans. The important thing is to be somehow engaged?”

When I call it lip service, I guess I’m trying to say that when we say, “not everyone should adopt but all should care,” in our heart of hearts, if we’re willing to look deeply enough, that's not the whole story. some of us also think there is a moral superiority continuum. And those who adopt are at the top.

Maybe that’s too strong. I know a lot of you have purer hearts than me and I think a lot of my adoption friends sincerely can encourage and inspire people about adoption without having negative thoughts attached. But I fear sometimes it is not too strong to suggest that, for many of us, we look down on people who aren’t led the same way we are.

When we allow ourselves to think these things and suggest these things indirectly (or directly) in the ways we communicate, we put up barriers in relationships with everyone around us. And we misunderstand and miscommunicate the Gospel.

I don’t have to go further than my brain and heart to wonder why some people really hate Christians. Even the ones who adopt.

So the Bible says tons about caring for widows and orphans. And it also says a lot about thinking more about someone else’s spiritual blindspots and sins than your own. I just forget that part a lot.

PS. Keller’s examples are worth listening to: he mentions church (denominational, worship-style) superiority. Totally worth your time. Fast forward to somewhere around 18 minutes to go straight to this part if you want.

PSS. we're never going to be perfect this side of the Kingdom of God. however, confessing these sins really does lead to healthier relationships, purer motives, etc. So, while I'm partly discouraged by my yucky heart, I'm thankful the Spirit is working.

what about Lucy? what about what's best for her?!

2010-08-27T23:15:00.003-04:00

But what about Lucy? What about what's best for her?!

This was one of the questions we were asked several times from a number of people when we decided to adopt. And it was a question we were asked when we tried to move to Rwanda. And it is a question we are asked as we continue to love to live in an urban (let's just say very few people regard it as safe) neighborhood. And it is a question we're being asked now that we're committing to participate in a new church in the city (instead of going to a church where there are tons of kids her age and programs all ready to suit her needs.)

And it is a question we'll be asked when, in a few years, we'll be making the choice about where she'll go to school. and if we'll adopt again. and what extracurriculars she'll do. and on and on.

Of course the manner in which the person asks the question betrays their opinion about the appropriateness or rationale of our family's decision. But--and it might surprise you that I think this--since we are meant to spend a lot of energy, time and prayer raising our children, they are actually asking a valid and very good question. A question every parent needs to consider when making a major decision.

What is and what will be our response?

Well, my first answer appears to contradict what I just said above. That is, that in some ways we're not really that concerned about what's best for Lucy.

Don't get me wrong--like I already said, we believe that God has called us to raise our children well. To cherish them appropriately. But how does he tell us to do that? To shield them from all potential risk? To seize every opportunity available to them? To try to order and control the variables in their lives as perfectly as possible?

Of course we care and we want to raise her well, but I think that means doing all we can to raise her to follow the LORD. To put Him first. To learn to defend what he defends. To weep over what he weeps over. It says in Deuteronomy that we're to teach our children to love the LORD with all our heart and soul and might. And if our choices are always child-centric (or parent-centric. or best-education-centric, or safety-centric, or anything-besides-God-centric), I wonder how they would learn that?

I guess what I'm saying is that I hope and pray our parenting will demonstrate for her that we should always follow wherever it seems like God (the center of our lives) is leading us to go, regardless of whether that fits her, Isaiah's or our best interests.

But, you might astutely ask,wouldn't God's will be her best interest?

Which leads me to my preferred answer to this question.

So on the one hand, to the question "what about what's best for Lucy?" I'd say, her best interest is not really our primary concern when we make decisions. Hopefully our primary concern is trying to discern God's will (not that this process is an easy one!). Lucy's best interests, then, become part of the discernment process. just not the discernment process.

On the otherhand perhaps it would be best to answer a question with a question. "well, what do you mean by Lucy's best interests?" I think we'll find that people define that term in profoundly different ways. Lucy's best interests absolutely shape many of our choices, just perhaps from a different angle.

Sure, we know that international adoption means that you will not know (maybe ever?) the extent of the needs of your new child. They could be considerably more needy than we feel prepared to, or agreed to handle. It is absolutely true that since Isaiah came home I have (academically speaking) taught Lucy nothing. NOTHING. the girl is a sponge and we read a lot, but Isaiah's needs, in every way, have trumped getting out the letters, games, puzzles, and whatever else makes sense for me to try to teach an almost three year old. For a number of reasons, Lucy's "new experiences" have been limited since Isaiah came home. So if we're defining Lucy's best interests narrowly, like "what will best develop her academic side?" "or what would be least risky for a sibling for Lucy," everyone would agree that adoption would be a terrible choice.

Just looking at the question related to adoption (and not moving to Rwanda, participating in a church plant, living in an inner-city neighborhood--though each of these have beautiful consequences too), when I hear stories from adoptive families like the following ones, I'm convinced that we at least at some level have Lucy's very best interests in mind:

One friend's caucasian son was taking a bath with his Rwandese sister and said "we look like twins because we are both naked and our hair is wet". the picture was priceless, as was the mom's follow-up comment: "kids should rule the world."
In response to a similar question, our friend, the father in an adoptive family (one of the 10-kids-in-the-family variety) said something like this "well, our kids had to learn that not only do we not go to their practices (like most parents, apparently). but we're lucky if we make it to some of their games or performances. they learned pretty quickly that the world doesn't revolve around them. that's probably decent parenting, right?" In a culture where people a lot smarter and deeper than me would say that children have become our culture's (American Christian culture's too) idol (the thing people worship and disproportionately revolve their lives around), what a great way to have their children's best interest in mind.
One friend whose door to adoption just closed again, cried (even harder than she already was) when she realized she was going to have to tell her daughter, who (because of how her eyes have been opened to the world, mainly through adoption) just wants to adopt so badly her heart is practically popping out of her middle school body. Her mom just couldn't bear to break the disappointing news. Seems like, though remarkably sad, she's parenting pretty well and has her daughter's best interest in mind. (And, of course, it seems like her middle school daughter has her priorities pretty well aligned that this is the nature of the confrontation her mom is nervous about!)
A friend's four year old son is saving up change to send to Rwanda for clean water so his brother and his brother's friends (like Isaiah) won't have bad tummy problems.

and now to us.

Lucy, Isaiah and I were walking over to a friend's house last week. Lucy and I were holding hands and I reached for Isaiah's hand to cross the street. He ran around my legs and grabbed Lucy's hand instead. When, in that moment, Lucy looked up at me with shimmering eyes and said, "Mommy! I think he loves me!!" I felt like I had her best interests in mind.

And when she prays for kids at Home of Hope in Rwanda to have families, I feel like we had her best interest in mind.

and when we together say "thank you God that we have clean water and it doesn't take mommy all day to get it." and she knows what I'm talking about. I feel like we had her best interest in mind.

and when my kids shout Ndagukunda ("I love you" in Kinyarwanda) over and over and over again to each other in their room, I feel like we had her best interest in mind.

and so on.

how can we possibly know how God wants to shape our children? we don't know what their best interest is, but their Creator does. All we can do is seek to follow Him wherever he leads us so he can teach us and shape us along the way. sometimes he will lead us to make radical, noticeable choices. and sometimes he will lead us to make quiet, inconspicuous ones. God is much more interesting than one size fits all.

Wish I could stop there, but my conscience tells me I can't. So, you might say, what if our experience hadn't been like that. what if Lucy had resented him. what if Isaiah had been abused/abusive. what if our difficulties with adoption had been much more profound. There are plenty of stories out there like that. Does that mean we didn't hear God right?

well, I can't fairly say anything besides "I don't know how I would have felt." because that wasn't our experience. I'm sure it would be remarkably difficult. but I hope I would remember that the bible has a ton to say about how suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and so on. If it seems pretty clear that God wants us to do something (which in this case it did seem that way), far be it for me to protect my children from learning what God wants to teach us/them through potential suffering. The opposite lesson wouldn't be great for them either, which, I guess is that we only follow Jesus when it appears safe, convenient, knowable, easy.

and then I hope I would look, in my sorrow, even more longingly for the day Jesus is going to make everything right.

because God's ways are so much higher than ours, may we trust Him to order our lives. to guide us. to know what is really in our best interest. and may we follow him and show our children how to follow him. no matter what.

(P.S. obviously I'm talking about Lucy in this post, since before we adopted Isaiah, most people weren't asking about his best interest (we didn't know him in particular). But surely everything we've mentioned relates to him as well going forward. And, of course, if we replaced Isaiah's name for Lucy's in this story we would all start sobbing when we realize how tangibly heart breaking the reality of a narrow approach to someone's best interests can be for a kid who doesn't yet have a family. I think it is fair to confidently say that this was in Isaiah's best interests).

PSS if you have any personal family/friend stories to share about adoption being in people's best interest, please share them. they encourage me so much!!

sweet lucy goosey

2010-08-06T12:45:00.005-04:00

Dear Lucy:
I just want to tell you something before I forget. you have done an unbelievable job loving your brother. I completely take for granted how smoothly his transition has gone as it relates to you.

I think you loved him before he even came home. One day before we got his referral I was sitting at the lunch table with you. I couldn't stop myself from crying (as you'll remember, there were a lot of days like this). And you tenderly touched my cheek and said "its okay mama. he's coming. we'll get him." Even though I tried to live fully present with you and daddy the last several months before he came home, I was preoccupied. But you didn't resent it. You loved him and wanted him home too.

Then we were gone from you for over two weeks to bring Isaiah home, and when we got home it wasn't like we could give you 100% attention because his needs needed to come first. and you never missed a beat. I keep waiting for a moment of resentment and it just isn't coming.

I love the way you still ask me if we can wake him up. "I neeeeeeeeed him" you tell me. If I give you a special treat you'll quickly say "what about Isaiah?" You don't want to do special mommy/daddy dates, you always want him to come too. If he gets hurt you very tenderly walk up to him and say, "it's okay Isaiah, I'm here. you okay brother?" He doesn't cry anymore when I drop you two off at the play area at the gym, but when you go to the bathroom while you're there, he sobs and sobs waiting outside the bathroom for you.

you adore him, which has made it all the more natural for him to adore you. who knows what it would have been like if you hadn't adjusted so well...all I can say though is that without proof, I believe your love for Isaiah, your gentleness towards him, the way you share everything with him, the way you always want him to be included in everything you do-- has transformed him. it has helped him to be able to share his things with others. you have helped him to feel more secure in our family.

you are the best of friends, and I believe it happened because you loved him first. it reminds me of the Father's love for us.

I love your sweetness, your sensitivity and the way you so gently yet firmly love others. I love being your mommy, goose.

all jokes aside

2010-07-14T21:29:00.006-04:00

Isaiah walked out of our hotel room sometime during the early morning this weekend.
we woke up at 7am to a loud knock on our door.
Hunter scrambled out of bed quickly and started yelling "where's Isaiah" "WHERE'S Isaiah?!?!"
my heart only stopped for a few seconds.
And then Hunter answered the door and there stood our adorable younger and browner two year old standing with complete strangers. happy as could be.

ugh.

there are a lot of things this incident can teach us:

the obvious: bolt, chain, etc. your doors you moron parents. in my defense. well, whatever. I don't feel the need to defend myself this minute. Unlike plenty of other things I pride myself in, being a safety-first minded mother isn't one of them.
Isaiah doesn't understand boundaries. At All. I joke about how he's the kid who needs survival swimming lessons. but it is true. he is starting to fear the water a little bit now and I'm CELEBRATING. his pain tolerance is THROUGH THE ROOF. he got a 2 1/2 inch burn on his leg from touching a motorcyle and DIDN'T CRY. we didn't even know he burned it until the next day when his skin fell off exposing an (atleast) second degree burn. that he didn't cry is a bad thing, friends. it is bad because there was a long enough season in his life when he would cry when he got hurt and he didn't get the attention he needed. he learned crying doesn't do anything. and he stopped. he falls HARD on the sidewalk and doesn't even skip a beat or make a noise. I hate to be Debbie Downer about things I sometimes like to joke around about...but the reality behind Isaiah's high pain tolerance is brokenness and sometimes I can't just make jokes and smile about it. nodding in partial agreement because it is easier than "going there" in a conversation with a friend is sometimes kind to the friend...and other times emotionally lazy of me. (just to clarify, YES, there are some kids who just have a high pain tolerance. but there is a statistically significant high percentage of kids who lived in an institutional setting for whom that is the case...while Isaiah may have been tough no matter what. probably not this tough). also, the amazing folks, whom we pray for and love, who cared for him at home of hope do as much as they can with the human and otherwise resources they have. they wouldn't suggest that they're able to provide the care that children need. and neither will I.
Isaiah isn't there yet regarding attachment. I hope his first thought when he woke up was "where are my parents"...and he didn't immediately see us (though he should have) and went outside the door looking for us. I really think that is possible. He is definitely preferring us (Hunter especially) to others these days. But there are definitely awkwardly over-the-top hugs and kisses to strangers. (which everyone else, of course, thinks is just adorable and awesome). So, there is definitely the chance that Isaiah just didn't really care when he woke up. he just figured he'd find someone outside the door to spend time with. and that it would be alright. I really hope that isn't the case.

I still feel like throwing up. but I'm so thankful nothing worse happened. I was really tempted to turn this story into a funny post...I'm glad I didn't.

Since this is turning into some kind of an update, you'll also be happy to know that:

Lucy and Isaiah really do adore each other. they are the best of friends. they sometimes fight, of course. but really, it isn't the norm. especially when it is just us, they get along so well. they hug and kiss all the time.
He's grown almost 4 inches!! almost all of this is since we went gluten free. I'm a believer.
Isaiah's had diarrhea for almost three weeks straight now. I am soooooooooooooo freaking sick of the diaper situation. but then I remember it is probably way worse for him and he doesn't even come close to crying about it...so I stop complaining.
except when we're traveling and he has an explosive diaper on the airplane. and I spend 30 minutes in the bathroom. in first class. twice. and then the same day have to change his clothes 4 times. and then the next morning was when he left our hotel room. then at breakfast he threw up on us 5 times. literally. so then I start complaining and crying again. all in all, they were troopers on the trip!!
they're sleeping in the same room now!! they're so cute about it. Isaiah is especially thrilled about not being in the crib anymore. we'll make a real transition with beds sometime when I can get a single mattress for Lucy. until then, Isaiah's crib mattress is on the floor next to Lucy's toddler bed. and they are loving it. (I'll probably make the real switch sometime before our social worker visits us next week. I'll also probably clean for the first time in several weeks. but whose counting?)

so, there you have it. now you can look at these pictures of my children. which can make any hard day really wonderful. Enjoy!

nothing kills date night like...

2010-07-08T13:26:00.009-04:00

It was all going so well. Sigh.

I should start by saying that Hunter and I aren't the mooshy kind of couple. we laugh hard together, we sharpen one another...but I don't think anyone has ever accused us of being too lovey dovey.

I should also tell you that a while back we made an unwritten rule about not going to nice restaurants by ourselves. The main reason being that we (I, really) feel the need to have really deep, wonderful, big picture conversations when we're in that kind of atmosphere. There's just too much pressure.

anyway, last night we didn't hold to that rule (in part because amazing friends of ours gave us a gift certificate to Mezzanine...Richmond's top restaurant of 2009). it was delicious.

the conversation was fabulous as well. having kids has made any date night (anywhere besides in the house) wonderful. We were catching up about how we really feel like things are going in the family. what our next few weeks look like. how to make space for each other to continue to grow (spiritually in particular).

Then we got to chatting about the content of Hunter's work. If you know me well, you should be giving me serious points right now. That isn't something I typically or naturally do well. I like talking about what makes people tick. What makes them make the choices they make. What they really dream about doing. Why they love or don't love something.

Further, my family didn't grow up talking about work. We are all so talkative and close, but somehow I went years without knowing what my sister did for a living. I suppose I could have told you her title but never really knew what that meant. When we first got married I felt threatened by all of Hunter's questions about my day.

So, anyway, as bad as this is, conversation about the nitty gritty of day-in day-out work is a little blah for me.

Not last night though. I was right there with him. engaged as could be.

(you can confirm w/HT if this is really right) but Hunter's job is basically to help people make hard choices about what projects and ideas can actually happen in the time frame they want...and what ideas/projects they want to do can't happen because of various constraints. The people he's working with have tons of great ideas. ideas out the wazoo. but, like in all of life, you have to make hard choices if you really want to finish anything well and on time.

and then he said it. and it ruined our date. and my last 18 hours.

"it is hard. I basically have to help people choose their children"

I think he talked for at least another minute (without me hearing a word) before my eyes started brimming and I said something like. "I'm sorry. I'm done. I can't concentrate anymore. I'm going to start crying really hard in a second so we should probably try to leave soon."

it is a harmless, well articulated analogy. perfectly describes what Hunter's job really is. totally appropriate verbage. but ruined me nonetheless.

You see, some people really do get to the point where they have to choose which children they can keep. their real children.

we have no information, so we can only wonder. did isaiah's birth mother have to do that? was it her family's devastating poverty that led to our enormous wealth: having Isaiah as our son? oh jesus please be merciful.

nothing ruins a date night like reality.
help us to weep, O Lord.

a quick, good, helpful, challenging read

2010-06-24T12:56:00.002-04:00

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/worldview/blogs/22038-seeing-through-assumptions
this article is written by a friend of a friend.
here's the text:

Seeing Through Assumptions
Written by Lauren Dean
Wednesday, 23 June 2010 11:28

When my husband, Jamie, and I decided to begin the adoption process over a year ago, we knew people would have a lot of questions.

For starters, we knew people would wonder why we would choose to adopt before having biological children. In a society where passing on one’s genes through pregnancy is not only “normal” but almost worshipped, we figured they'd assume we were struggling with infertility or that I was too scared to birth a baby.

But we also knew people might think our adoption was a "safe" alternative to pregnancy because of Jamie's disability. Jamie was diagnosed at the age of 3 with a congenital eye disease called retinitis pigmentosa. His vision degenerated over time—starting from the periphery and moving in—until he had lost most of his vision by high school. He now has a small amount of tunnel vision in one eye, but sees only light/dark contrasts with the other eye.

I tried to anticipate these questions whenever I told someone for the first time that we had decided to adopt. I figured it would help me avoid being hurt by an offensive question later. I had a little speech that went like this:

"Did you hear Jamie and I decided to adopt? Yes, we are very excited. It is something we have both always wanted to do. We haven't even tried to get pregnant because we just really want to adopt. I have a cousin adopted from China who really touched my life. Jamie has always cared about justice for children. That’s what he'd ultimately like to be doing with his law degree. We do plan, God willing, to have a biological child or two in the future, but, for now, we have chosen to adopt."

Apparently, however, the speech didn't convince everyone as I found one day when I was discussing our adoption with a neighbor.

"So, I heard you are adopting because of Jamie’s disability," he said.

I politely cleared up the misinformation, and he seemed genuinely sorry he'd even brought it up. But I was still jolted. I didn't feel like anyone actually believed that we decided to adopt simply because we wanted to rather than being forced into it by some external factor. But even more concerning to me, it seemed nobody had considered what the logical implications would be if our adoption was solely predicated on Jamie’s disability.

We live in a society that often bases the significance of people on their ability to see, walk, hear and think. We forget that people are complex beings with many dimensions. While Jamie is a blind person, he is also a husband, lawyer, son, rower, brother, guitarist and uncle. He is intelligent, funny, passionate and tenacious. His blindness is only one aspect of his entire identity; it does not define him completely. Yet, society does not see him this way. Because he can't see, he is perceived as imperfect, abnormal and inferior.

When someone assumes we are only adopting to avoid having a child with RP, it implies that it would be understandable (perhaps even beneficial) if people like Jamie—people who can't see—didn't produce anymore people who can't see. The greater assumption is that our society would be better without people with disabilities. This line of thinking has, of course, inspired many evils in our world:

the abortion of children found to have genetic disabilities while they are still in utero
the abandonment of children who are born with a disability or develop one later in life (this is rampant China where the one-child-only policy encourages parents to aspire toward the "perfect" child)
and, on a larger scale, genocide where those considered "different" are killed because they don't fit society's brand of "normal"

This rationale has also contributed to widespread discrimination against people with disabilities, giving rise to high poverty levels and high unemployment levels among the disabled population. It is no wonder most people in our society think being a person with a disability is hard, and thus a "plight" one wouldn't want to pass on to someone else. Our society—not the actual disability—has made it hard to be a person with a disability because of its disabling attitudes and prejudices. As I read recently, a person in a wheelchair can get around just fine until they encounter a building without a wheelchair ramp. Only then do they become truly "disabled."

Similarly, the assumption that we are adopting because of Jamie’s disability also negatively affects our future children. It implies our children are a second choice or last resort—an option we had to choose because we were too scared to risk having a biological child who is blind.

Recent statistics estimate there are around 150 million orphans in the world. Five to 6 million of those children live in Ethiopia—where our children will be from. One million of those children are currently in the United States foster care system. When people assume we are adopting because of Jamie’s disability, they are denying the basic truth that all of these children—and specifically our two children—are inherently deserving of a family. I never want my children to believe their existence in our family is predicated on anything but the simple collision of our desire to be parents and their right to have parents.

I realize many people ask questions out of genuine curiosity, and few of them mean to hurt or offend us with what they say. I need to have grace when my natural inclination is to defend my family. But I hope as people hear our story, they will see that people don't need an ulterior motive to adopt. I also hope they will see that Jamie will make an excellent father—and that his worth as a father, husband and human being isn't defined by his disability.

But most of all, I want people to see that the issues I have raised here go outside of our little family. There is a world of people out there who need us to stop making assumptions about them and start seeking the truth.

pap pap isn't sick anymore

2010-06-18T12:47:00.004-04:00

My mom's dad (Pap Pap) went to be with Jesus today. We've known for a while that it was coming, as he's been in and out of the hospital a lot the last several years. After spending the last month at home, with the loving care being provided to him by his devoted wife and children, today he breathed his last breath. Just before he passed away, he had a trace of a smile on his lips directed at his beautiful wife, Beatrice. He was cherished by so many.

My mom, who with others was by his side, called about ten minutes later. I started crying immediately and after I got off the phone my ever sensitive Lucy came up and said "what's wrong mommy?" Up until that moment I hadn't known what we would tell her. She's so sensitive so I didn't want to give her too many details. and suddenly, perhaps right from the Spirit, the words came out so easily. "Mommy...what's wrong?" "Well, Lucy, guess what?!" I said with a genuine smile and transformed sad-to-glad tears..."Pap Pap isn't sick anymore! He's never going to be sick anymore! Isn't that wonderful?"

and it is.

"We love God's people. They are exceedingly precious. Far too often we look on their deathss as a grevious loss. If we could confer immortality we would never let them die. But it would be cruel to deprive them of a speedy entrance into their inheritance. We want to hold them here a little longer. We find it hard to relinquish our grasp, because the saint's departure causes us much pain. We are poorer because of the eternal enriching of the beloved, who have gone over to the majority and entered their rest.

Yet know this: while we are sorrowing, Christ is rejoicing. His prayer is, "Father I desire that they also, whom You gave Me, may be with Me where I am; that they may behold My glory which You have given Me' (John 17:24) In the advent of every one of His own to the skies, Jesus sees an answer to prayer. We are grieving, but He is rejoicing. Their deaths are painful in our sight, but 'precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints' (Psalm 116: 15).

Tears are permitted, but they must glisten in the light of faith and hope. 'Jesus wept' (John 11:35) but He never complained. We may weep, but not 'as those who have no hope' (1 Thess. 4:13). There is great cause for joy in the departure of our loved ones. Death itself is not precious; it is terrible. It cannot be precious to God to see the highest works of His hand torn in pieces, to see His skillful embroidery in the human body broken, defiled and given to decay. Yet to the believer, it is not death to die. It is a departure out of this world to the Father, and entrance into the kingdom" - Charles Spurgeon

"No chilling wind nor poisonous breath can reach that healthful shore. Sickness, sorrow, pain and death are felt and feared no more" from I am bound for the promised land.

Perhaps Jesus welcomed Pap Pap with his own version of a favorite Pap Pap greeting (as performed by my kiddos below.)

a word about waiting

2010-06-16T14:25:00.006-04:00

You know what is really hard? When you've spent most of the morning crying, longing and every other form of "I want my child home yesterday" and someone with a kind but perhaps heedless smile casually says "you just need to be patient" or "you just need to wait on God's timing." Sure does hush you up pretty quickly, huh?

Don't worry, I'm not going to rant and rave. You see, it isn't that the individual is wrong in saying that (I mean, I guess sometimes people do say stupid, wrong things too..but that's another story). In this situation, though, they're right. We do need to be patient. We do need to trust God's timing. And yet, this advice usually doesn't get very far. it usually isn't very effective. And it usually doesn't feel very loving.

For many of you who walked with us during our wait for Isaiah, this won't be new news for you. The waiting was so hard. I mean haaaaaaaaaaaaard. Sometimes I felt relief from it, but a lot of times, especially in the last 5 or 6 months of the wait, it literally felt unbearable. Like I couldn't breathe, walk, sleep and certainly couldn't easily engage in conversations with friends. I was grieving. I want to say a little bit about it, because I know there are a lot of families out there waiting. longing. aching. and feeling like it is unbearable.

There are a lot of things I could say about the painful wait. True things like how the hardest days really did knit my heart closer to Isaiah's. Or like how God taught me so many rewarding lessons on faith, perseverance and patience. About how God really is good and faithful in the wait. But what I really want to write about is how we can help and support one another during the waiting (and how we can expect Jesus to help and sustain us).

I hope what I write won't feel trite or condescending to you. those kinds of comments were always the hardest for me to swallow.

There's a passage in John that tells us about the death (and miraculous resurrection) of Jesus's friend Lazarus. When Jesus arrives on the scene, Lazarus has been dead for four days. Lazarus's two sisters run to meet him, first Martha and then Mary. And they say the exact same thing. Word for word.

They both walk up to Jesus and say (perhaps with an accusatory tone, the same way I sometimes spoke to God during our wait for Isaiah) "Lord, if you had been here our brother would not have died." But though they said the exact same thing, Jesus's responses to two grieving sisters, only a few verses apart, are almost completely different.

When Martha (who was first) comes to him, Jesus sort of challenges her and says "I am the resurrection and the life." In a sermon I heard on these verses, Tim Keller says that Jesus was basically saying, "don't you know who I am?! It is never too late with me" He challenges her to put on faith. To remember Who she's talking to. To trust Him. He's essentially giving her the "God's timing is perfect" speech.

But then just two verses later, Mary says literally the exact same words to Jesus. "Lord, if you were here our brother would not have died." And what does Jesus say? "not a word. not a lecture. not advice. all he does is weep."

Why weep? Didn't Jesus, of all people, know it is going to be okay? Didn't he know, that even though he was (what at the time felt like) four days late, that God's timing is perfect? Of course he knew. He just reminded Martha of those exact things. But that doesn't take away the broken reality of the situation. That doesn't take away from the real pain of seeing his sobbing, dear friend, who loved her brother so much. He saw the brokenness and couldn't hold back his tears.

Keller says these verses point us to the reality that Jesus is equally committed to the ministry of truth and the ministry of tears. Jesus knows that a human being cannot survive without both. "Sometimes in order to grow and in order to make it, we absolutely need nothing. not a single word except for someone to sit down and weep with us...but sometimes what we need is, spiritually speaking, to be punched in the gut...But we don't need one or the other, we need them intertwined. The ministry of truth without tears is too brutal; we won't listen. And the ministry of tears without truth is too sentimental; we won't benefit."

I imagine you already see why I think this can relate to adoption. especially to the waiting part. I would suggest that the encouragement and communication we adoptive-families-in-waiting receive is sometimes tilted a little too far in the "truth without tears" camp. Obviously telling someone to be patient and wait for God's timing is not wrong and I don't want to suggest that it is! (especially via facebook and other places...It is tough to hold someone responsible for a quick comment on facebook meant to encourage us). But I do think there were a lot of times I couldn't listen during the wait. I really needed tears with truth. I was really really really really really struggling...and I needed to be dealt with extra gently for a season. Jesus knew that.

We had some good friends challenge us along the way and remind us that we were forgetting Who eventually is going to win the battle. They agreed the situation was terribly broken. They agreed that it was so hard. And they reminded us that our Savior is going to end all brokenness someday and that He knows Isaiah. That He will wipe away every tear.

But they said it after listening. After longing with us. After begging God for mercy. After crying.

If you're reading this and have friends waiting for their children, please please please be gentle, while speaking and praying truth. Treat your friends/family as though they are grieving, for in so many ways they are. Their children, who are far--way too far-- away, have been through (and are continuing to go through) really tough things. At this point every single child suffering in the world feels like their child. Isn't that beautiful? God is showing them, albeit so painfully, that we really are all brothers and sisters. And the disparity is killing them. It won't be fixed when their particular children come home. It won't be fixed until Jesus comes back. I know it isn't easy to be around folks who are so raw with emotion, I really felt like I was insane some days. But please love them gently. Please try so hard to love them.

To those of you waiting, let me encourage you that if you feel like you're consistently being given truth without tears, talk to your friends and family about it. Tell them that sometimes it is hard to only hear challenging words (as rich and true and necessary as they are) without sensing that they're meeting you in the muck. Meeting you in the brokenness that Jesus found painful enough that he wept.

Let me also caution us, that if friends are trying to meet you there, if they are broken over it with you...hear them out. ask the Spirit to help you receive comfort from the promises of God. to help you trust that Jesus is going to wipe every tear. that He's going to come back and fix it all. There were definitely times when there wasn't a right way to love me. I wouldn't be consoled and that was a terrible, lonely, sinful place.

I pray God will give you the grace you need to handle the waiting with hope, patience and grace.

(PS, ummm, how amazing is Jesus (and his Spirit) that He knows us so well as to respond to us so specifically like he did with Mary and Martha?)

Our Journey to Isaiah

2010-06-01T20:26:00.004-04:00

The AMAZING Susie Thomas (my adoption wife) made this "Journey to Isaiah" video for us. and we absolutely LOVE it. I feel like it pretty perfectly captures Isaiah's entrance into our lives. I hope you enjoy it is as much as we do. oh, and I've watched it at least 30 times. Lucy knows most of the words to the songs...except she sings "ain't no river wide enough to keep me from getting to you baby brother." she seriously sang that tonight. without me ever singing it like that. and definitely thought those were the real words. I love her. (and, of course, I cried)

Thank you so much, Susie, for capturing the immense joy we've experienced with Isaiah in our family. God has given us such a wonderful friend in you. we love you.

I was there to Hear your Borning Cry

2010-05-25T14:07:00.004-04:00

Dear Isaiah:

This Sunday you will be baptized. Your daddy and I, along with so many family and friends who are so excited for you, will pledge to raise you as best we can, to know and serve the LORD. We acknowledge our dependence on Him to draw you to faith, but we will pray for you and will strive to teach you to follow the LORD.

When I was growing up, at every major life event celebrated in the church (especially baptisms), we sang a tear-jerker song, "I was there to Hear your Borning Cry". I'm sure I sang it no less than 100 times. This winter, though, as we waited and longed and cried for you to come home, your cousin, Simon, was baptized. Of course we sang that song again. I sat there and clung to your daddy and wept quietly because you weren't with us. Because we weren't there to hear your borning cry. Because of the brokenness that has led me to the joy and privilege of having you as my son. I cried and cried. Oh God, why couldn't we have been there? Why so much sadness for my son?

And then, something occurred to me that I had never understood about that song. Something that's critical to understanding the song's meaning. All along I had thought the song was the parent singing to the child. But it isn't; it is the Heavenly Father singing to their child. Though I wasn't there to hear your borning cry, He was. And though now I'll be there, as much as I can, for every joy and every sorrow. I won't be enough for you. I can't be. But He is. He has known you forever. He is your Rock. He is your Redeemer. He is the one who made you. Who formed you in your mother's womb. Who has been with you every moment of your life. Who loved you so much that He sent His only Son to die for you.

Oh, put your trust in Him, Isaiah. This is my prayer for you as you are baptized. That Jesus will be enough for you. That you'll trust Him to wipe every tear away. That you'll not depend on your strength, but His. That you'll serve Him all the days of your life.

Here are the words to that song (admittedly, I should have caught on sooner to the song not being sung by the parents):

I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold.
I was there when you were but a child,
with a faith to suit you well;
In a blaze of light you wandered off
to find where demons dwell."

"When you heard the wonder of the Word
I was there to cheer you on;
You were raised to praise the living Lord,
to whom you now belong.
If you find someone to share your time
and you join your hearts as one,
I'll be there to make your verses rhyme
from dusk 'till rising sun.

In the middle ages of your life,
not too old, no longer young,
I'll be there to guide you through the night,
complete what I've begun.
When the evening gently closes in,
and you shut your weary eyes,
I'll be there as I have always been
with just one more surprise.

I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold.

stability and ambition's whisper

2010-05-14T16:03:00.000-04:00

I’m reading a book on stability and I’m all fired up J. “the Wisdom of Stability—rooting faith in a mobile culture” by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove.

He totally gets that some have to “go” and that God calls us to that…but here he’s talking about opposing the culture we’re in where we’re paralyzed by choice, always looking for the next big change (for me, a new house in the neighborhood, pregnancy/adoption, moving to Rwanda, etc.) I am sure that for many, it is harder to go/change than to stay, to be quiet than to speak out. But, as you know, that’s not my nature…that’s why reading about silence and stability moves me to repentance.

Of course we’re called to obedience, not stability. But some of these writings have helped me to discern obedience in my life. (I know some of you know the story about God showing/telling me (when I was all hung up on big picture legacy and service) that my legacy was “to have a marriage that our children will want to have”. Definitely not what I was expecting.

Anyway, I thought you would enjoy this, with me.

From the foreward:
“Drawing on the 1700-year old Christian tradition of monastic wisdom, the author reminds us that when we opt for stability we face a cosmic struggle. There are internal battles, of course, mostly with the demons of anger, pride, and boredom. But to commit to stability also means accepting other people as they are. How dreary to consider that God has given us this family, this spouse, these colleagues on the job, this church congregation. Surely we are meant for more important things, and our talents will be better appreciated by a more sophisticated crowd…. One of the more radical premises of this book is that there comes a time to set seeking aside. But as the romance of our initial religious experience fades, and the reality of life with other human beings in a church congregation seem too much to bear, we are tempted to move on. Wilson-Hartgrove asks us to stop a moment and ask “if we might abandon our seeking, settle down, and allow God to find us where we are.”

From Chapter 5:
“Ambition’s Whisper
Gordon Crosby moved to Washington, DC, in the late 1940s to start Church of the Savior, a church based on small groups long before small groups became a strategy for church growth among nondenominational evangelicals. Committed to radical discipleship and social engagement—what Cosby called the “inward journey and the outward journey”—Church of the Savior became well known for holistic mission while most American Chrisitans were still divided between a commitment to the “social gospel” and an emphasis on personal salvation. By the 1960s, word had gotten out about this interesting experiment in Christian discipleship. Cosby was flooded with invitations to travel and speak about Church of the Savior. Like Abba Antony before him, Cosby was called from his cell by seekers and friends alike.

Seeing these speaking engagements as an opportunity to extend Church of the Savior’s ministry, Cosby initially accepted as many as he could. Increasingly, though, he was unsure how to balance the local work of pastoring a church with this national speaking ministry. In the midst of his confusion, Cosby heard God speak to him in an undeniable way. The message was simple: “Stay home and do your knitting.”

Reflecting on his ministry nearly half a century later, Cosby looks back on that vocational struggle as a turning point in his life and in the life of Church of the Savior. He decided to turn down the speaking invitations and focus on the people God had gathered in a small community. His “knitting,” as it turned out, was not very exciting work most days. It included a lot of listening to people, trying to hear what God was up to in their lives. It looked like prayer, especially with people who were confused or felt like they had failed. It meant paying attention to people’s gifts and encouraging them. for over half a century, Cosby spent his best energies finding ways to support the things people felt called to when they listened to God’s heart.

By any assessment, the Church of the Savior’s ministry over the past fifty years has had an influence disproportionate to the relatively small size of its membership. In 2008 alone, 800 people found jobs and 325 new housing units were built through its ministries in Washington, D.C. The founder of Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) and a moderator of the Reformed Church in America have been raised up from among this flock. Progressive evangelical leader Jim Wallis wrote in 1997 that Church of the Savior “has had more influence around the country than any other church I know about.” Like the trees in the book of Revelation that bear fruit in season, this community of faith has grown into the abundance of divine fertility.

…

Many of us who choose stability will have to struggle, as Cosby did, with the midday demon of ambition. Its voice is subtle, often suggesting new and exciting things that are undeniably good work. Ambition suggestions are deceptively attractive because they can rarely be dismissed outright. There is, after all, no way to say beforehand what sort of extended vocation healthy growth might lead to. God’s people in any place may be called to put out new branches, consider new ministries, even extend our boundaries beyond the limits we had originally imagined. To refuse growth outright is to contradict nature, like the feet that were once bound by Chinese emperors for the sake of an ideal of beauty that debilitated the women it was forced upon. Some growth is natural for any living creature.

but ambition tempts us to forsake the mundane for the sake of unlimited growth—or at least, new opportunities. We are easily unimpressed by the ordinary, longing for the feeling of excitement that comes with a new task to take up, new people to engage, new challenges to face. The repetition of the daily grind wears on us, tempting us to think that nothing ever changes unless we break out of our routine and change the conditions of our everyday life. When we are frustrated by life’s difficulties, afraid we’re not measuring up, ambition whispers, “maybe you’re not doing what you were made for. Maybe your talent could shine brighter if you were doing something else.
…

The tension between fidelity and ambition is evident in the decisions we all make about our own personal development. Even if we’re committed to stick with people in the place where we are, ambition tempts us to invest our best energy in something more exciting than the daily tasks of cooking meals, cleaning the church, taking care of children, doing the laundry, planning a block party, or keeping the books. At the end of a long day, an activity as banal as Web surfing can seem more exciting than conversation with a friend or neighbor. Who hasn’t been distracted in the midst of a normal exchange with the person in front of them by the thought, “maybe I should check my email”?

give the people what they want

2010-05-10T20:55:00.012-04:00

I know most (all?) of you read this to hear about our family...especially Isaiah (and, ahem, not so much to hear me go on and on and on about myself and my problems). so, I'll stop indulging myself and "give the people what they want" (an update and pictures).

I can't think of a good way to summarize, but here goes

Our kids are sleeping right now so I LOVE my life and can barely believe I get to live it. Actually, if you asked me at just about any point today I would have said the same thing. But today was an exceptionally great day. I usually am only foolish and forgetful enough to exclaim "I love my life" wholeheartedly when the kiddos are sleeping. because;
WE HAVE TWO 2-YEAR OLDS AND THAT'S CRAZY AND EXHAUSTING. it is rewarding and full and rich in all the right ways, too...but I'm so spent at the end of the day I sometimes forget. Lord help me not to miss how great this is!
We're usually doing very well. Isaiah is so freaking cute it kind of kills me. Seriously adorable. I still feel like I have to pinch myself because I can't believe he's really home. He so clearly loves being home and I sometimes catch myself just staring at him. unable to comprehend this love that was so deep so fast...and unable to imagine his life or our lives before he came home. it makes me want to cry and vomit all at once. remember my once terrified of the baths son? he's now clearly obsessed.
Lucy and Isaiah LOVE each other. sure they have their little sibling battles, but I couldn't have really asked for a better adjustment for either of them. I love to see the way they're different because of each other. Lucy likes jumping off of unsafe things and is, generally more physical and adventurous than before. Isaiah likes reading books and playing dress-up. well, maybe he doesn't like playing dress-up...but he definitely doesn't want to be left out of anything Lucy's doing.

He's learning English so quickly. It is absolutely amazing. he'll repeat just about anything Lucy says and Lucy proudly tells everyone she's teaching Isaiah how to talk. it is true. her chatty kathy nature is super helpful these days.

The harder stuff:

While he's learning english so well, it isn't like he's proficient and I can't really explain things to him. sometimes I feel like a cavewoman grunting things at him. just yelling "NO! NO NO TOUCH." "NO! NO NO HIT!" "NO! NO NO JUMP DOWN 6 STAIRS AT ONE TIME!" (he really almost did that today). I rationalize my behavior--shrieking "NO!", smacking his bottom (without warning sometimes)to make sure he gets that he's not allowed to do something, etc.--by saying I can't explain things to him yet. his english isn't good enough. and it is my job to help keep him and Lucy safe. Please pray I'll know how to teach him well and not just yell him into obedience. ugh. i promise I'm not just mean.
Isaiah almost chokes most times when he eats because he eats so fast. Not just like, haha, lots of little kids do that. like scary. a fighter's instinct and it makes me really sad. he gets deeply upset if we don't give him more and more food, which we continue to usually allow...but we're still praying he'll trust that he's going to get plenty and he'll stop gorging.
He's started crawling and babbling/grunting a lot. Don't forget, he's 2 and change. We knew we were going to treat him like a baby sometimes, to promote bonding/attachment, but I didn't realize he was going to instinctually start acting like a baby too. because he missed getting to be a baby with parents to treat him like a baby (I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sisters at Home of Hope, but this is one of the reasons they're thrilled there are families waiting for these kiddos. they know they can't provide the attention and love these kiddos need). it is fascinating and terribly sad (hard to explain) but it is unbelievable, too, how his body is making him do things he needs to do.
Speaking of his body...who knows what's going on in his tummy? I mean, some of it is just chunk. but not all of it. and I stink at follow through with doctors. God knew that, though, right? going lactose free has DEFINITELY helped with the bowel issues. this doesn't look like a kiddo with raging intestines, does it?!
Where did the time go? Seriously, there is margin for NOTHING now. Before we brought Isaiah home, we didn't necessarily understand why we were supposed to back out of most commitments and communicate clearly that we're about to be in a new, (potentially) super intense and unpredictable season. but we trusted people who've gone ahead of us, set expectations with close people and we're so thankful. Bedtime takes a long time with Isaiah (anywhere from 1 to 2 1/2 hours...maybe 90 minutes average?) and we don't leave him by himself for it. (there are a lot of different approaches and every family is different, but it seems like Isaiah needs the added reassurance of our presence with him when he falls asleep. night time is really hard for him. we have, however, started putting him in the crib to fall asleep next to us, instead of in bed with us. progress!) anyway, I'm so glad we set expectations with others or I'd feel like a colossal failure. we've been on 2 evening outings (them city folk call them dates.) since we've been home (that's not terrible!) and I can't actually remember if I have or not, but I think I've had one other night when I didn't put one of the kids in bed (oh yeah, Lucy still won't go to sleep or be by herself since the Good Friday/Easter incident. blasted me! so it takes a good 30-60 minutes with her too) all that's to say, we didn't know exactly what it would be, but planning for your schedule to not be your own is smart! we miss you small group, evening dinners with friends, etc. However, I love getting to read more. (what else ya going to do quietly for 2 hours in a room while your son falls asleep?)
I'm not working anymore. Sigh. Up until a few weeks ago (though I was on maternity leave since January), I worked for an amazing organization, HOPE International, which provides microloans to some creativity-and-innovation rich but materially very poor clients who live in developing countries. I was providing emotional and spiritual (and practical) support to our staff who work as expatriates (not working in their country of citizenship). BUT, like I said above...where did the margin go? I hope at some point to be able to work outside of the home again, using different gifts and skills God has given me, but since we're able for me to be home full time and since we feel like we definitely need to carefully and consistently nurture our marriage during this tough season (i.e., something always gives, right? for us/me, we need to be careful to prioritize marriage not just other important/good things), I let my boss know I can't continue. Major bummer for me but we feel like it is the right call for our family and I won't begrudge what feels like God's gracious leading. just another example of needing to be aware that adjustments are likely necessary when you add a child/children to your home!! expect to be surprised! (I am confident, by the way, that God knows each family, each child, each circumstance and could do completely opposite things in other people's lives, without being contradictory to His nature.)
Hunter and I are doing really well. We're in this together and leaning on each other pretty well. We have our bad moments of course, but overall I'd say that God's grace is enabling us to thrive in our marriage (as much as is possible) right now.

As you can tell, the first three months home with Isaiah has been a blissful blur. I only vaguely remember how terrible the pain of laboring Lucy was. I think I'll only vaguely remember how exhausting and tiring our transition home with Isaiah has been. But I will never forget the intense pain of the waiting. the intense joy of the moment just before we met him, as I hugged Hunter and wept over God's great provision and love.

God has been so gracious to our family. forever. Thanks for checking in on us and supporting us.

close your computers people!

2010-04-29T14:39:00.012-04:00

So, I tend towards black and white thinking. A way of doing things (like parenting, learning about God, chopping vegetables, whatever) is great and a different way is bad/wrong. when the reality is, there are pros and cons to most approaches and/or there are different seasons that call for different means and (duh) it isn't necessarily the case that one way is always better. I catch myself doing this all the time. With ill-conceived thoughts or words I malign people who aren't doing things the same way as me.

anyway, here's why I'm thinking about this:

Lately I have benefited greatly from not having my computer around as much. I'm more focused on my kids. I'm sleeping more...or doing other things in bed more. I'm trusting God loves me and doesn't need my effort (study, writing and work) to accomplish what He's doing in this world. (this is a big one for me as, for example, a lot of friends/former colleagues are at Q learning from people I love learning from...and I'm not there. (thought life: i'm falling behind. people might not think as highly of me. I need to make sure I read all of the content to stay up-to-speed...) you can see why it is good that my computer has been closed more, no?!

anyway, I think it is best for my kiddos that I keep it closed for a while. And I'm also learning a lot (about myself) because of it. I think this is where God has me.

well, naturally all of you should be doing the exact same thing. let me restate that. if you aren't doing that and you're spending a lot of time reading/writing blogs, or on facebook or whatever, I judge you. you're inferior.

ugh. why couldn't I just stop at being thankful for what God is showing me?

why does it have to go there in my mind so fast? why do I start judging others' activities so quickly without the chance of knowing what God might be doing in them?! How they might be in a totally different place and so it is GREAT that they are learning from people, growing an encouraging community, enjoying a break. whatever. why can't I imagine (or why don't I try to imagine a scenario) where someone is more self-controlled and able to regulate their time in a healthy way? why do I assume everyone is a glory hog like me? why am I so freaking insecure that I need everyone's active agreement (which means we all do the same thing) to affirm what God is teaching me?

So, here's to a gracious God who loves me despite my crap. Who knows you far better than me. who knows me (and how to win my heart) better than anyone. who creatively works in our lives in different ways. who is making your fruit beautiful and distinct...and different than mine. which increases the beauty of the garden.

oh yeah, and here's to an incredible new friend, Susie. a sincere, and I believe, lasting friendship, that of course, never would have started if I hadn't spent so much time on my computer for the past 12 months. hmmmm. I miss you and your adorable kids. team thom 4-eva.

PS, and lest you think this was reserved for computer usage. you better be adopting, living in an urban context, thrift shopping, not showering too often, not driving a minivan (yet...but check back soon) and wearing purple. just kidding, sort of. ugly ugly ugly I tell you!

PSS I hope this doesn't make anyone too afraid 0r paranoid to be my friend. I don't always think ugly thoughts...it is me, not you. and I think I sometimes know that.

PSSS. don't be afraid to comment (communicating that you've read this..which means your computer is open) because that would cause problems in one of my other issues: attention/pride. I NEED approval people. JK. you don't have to comment.

Lucy's theological insights.

2010-04-09T15:19:00.005-04:00

So apparently I took it too far last week explaining and reading the Crucifixion story.

Since I should be parenting instead of typing, I'll write quickly.

All week long Lucy has been struggling. Every single time we put her to sleep (nap or bedtime) she COMPLETELY freaks out. Actually, for 20 minutes leading up to it she melts down. Sobbing, "I don't want to go to bed...Don't leave me. Please don't leave me!!" And she asks us over and over again "will you stay with me?"

We're usually pretty stern bedtime ritualists. We sing Jesus loves you, kiss her and that's it. She screams, we shut the door.

But this week I could tell it was a different story. A different scream.

A few nights ago she told me that she sleeps with her "hands like this and legs like that so no one can get her". (showing me that she hides her hands under the covers and squeezes her legs tight). I was clueless but could tell she was scared of some bad guys (of course I started wondering what she's seen on TV, whether she watches scary shows at the gym, etc.) It has to be other sources, right?

I even called a few friends yesterday to see if they had any advice re: fears vs. whininess at bedtime. What should I do?! I want to nip it in the bud if it is just testing the limits....but I want to be gracious if it is legitimate. How do I know?

But I couldn't figure it out. So, we were a little more gracious about her apparent fears and stayed with her longer, checked on her more frequently and even let her skip naptime a few times.

And then this morning she told me she wanted to read the story about Jesus again "the one where they put that thing on him". and then she proceeded to say "that's why I hide my hands like that...so the soldiers won't get me. so my hands won't get stuck"

Ugh. What a sweet, tender spirit.

Seriously, she won't be by herself, lights on, door open, flashlight available. Nothing.

We talked about the Resurrection, but that's not sticking with her yet. Only the Crucifixion.

Sidenote: in the days leading up to figuring out what was going on, it probably didn't help much to tell her that Jesus was always with her and will never leave her, huh? oh great mom, I don't want him around...they're after him!)

Not to get all theological on you, but Lucy GETS it in some ways, perhaps even more than we do. Certainly Jesus died and rose, was forsaken and paid for our sins once and for all so that we won't have to... but we're also told that if we're one of Jesus' followers, we should expect to be treated no differently (by man) than he was "No servant is greater than his master. If they persected me, they will persecute you also." John 15: 20. (We WILL be treated differently by God though. Given full inheritance than belonged solely to Jesus.)

Maybe our Jesus story telling should include a little more scary stories about what it means to follow him? Or at least we shouldn't forgetthose parts. We are SURE that God will never forsake us, because Jesus took that for us. But we're not sure our lives will go well. Bad things do happen to people who follow Him. on this side of the Kingdom of God.

I remember a story about a man who would take people who recently professed faith in Christ on a field trip of sorts. They went to the zoo and headed straight to the lion's den. And he'd tell them that THIS is what many Christians before you have faced because of their faith...are you really sure you want to believe this if that can happen to you? Sounds like a good bedtime story, huh? don't worry...I won't go there with Lucy until she is at least 3.

But of course, many said to the man: Lord to whom shall we go? And one day, Jesus is going to reign on this earth once and for all. and peace will come.

what I'm learning

2010-03-29T13:29:00.004-04:00

Some things I'm learning:

Instead of caring deeply about my friends, I mostly care about whether they think I'm a good friend or not. Which is why when I know I'm letting someone down, I spend 3x as much time explaining why I'm unable to be a good friend to them as I do listening to how they're doing. It is also why I feel insecurity when I think I've hogged too much of the talking time. I'm praying God will help me to know His ridiculously deep love for me so I can be freed to truly love people.
The difference between conviction and guilt. I feel TONS of guilt right now about not carrying my weight. Not reading/praying as much as I used to. Not being there for friends when they have stuff going on. Etc. With a few exceptions in friendship (when there was true conviction), I think mostly this is unhealthy guilt. God hasn't made me feel convicted about not spending the same kind of time in the Word as before. But I feel guilty because I like to try to carry my weight. I like to try to earn people's (and God's) favor and love. I like to try to contribute. IIf I can just add this wise thought, give this thoughtful gift, spend this much time praying...THEN __ will be impressed by me or love me. I feel like in this crazy season of life (where I'm receiving much much more than I'm giving) I'm learning a lot about grace, that God doesn't need my contribution for anything. That there are seasons in life where we aren't as active or productive (in the same ways). I'm learning it in friendship too. and it is hard.
To walk in the Spirit. I know a lot more about my limitations and the cost/benefit of choices I make now. Before, I really could just add on pretty much anything to a crazy day and it wouldn't cost me much. but it wasn't necessarily something I was supposed to do. Now, I don't have that margin and so I'm forced to ask more "is this something I'm supposed to do." My decisions shouldn't be based on whether it is going to cost me or my family something (emotionally, physically, etc.)-- if it is something God wants me/us to do, we should do it. On the other hand, just because it fits in for my day and I'm able to do it (in my own strength) doesn't mean I should. I'm trying to learn to walk in the Spirit and follow where He leads.
Prioritizing marriage. well this is always going to be a learning process. but I long to have the marriage God wants us to have and in order to do that we need to work hard! So, I want us to make good choices about what we do with our margin.
I need to close my computer to be a less selfish and better mom (and better wife). I'm struggling with selfishness a lot right now. Please pray for me to let my agenda and preferences go.

Life for the four Thompsons feels full. Isaiah really is thriving. Except for sleeping at night and continual tummy issues, he's doing unbelievably well (and those two issues are totally normal for this stage in the adjustment process). At night he still gets scared and feels insecure and takes a long time to fall asleep. Please pray we'll have grace for him in that. Lucy and Isaiah are becoming the best of friends. They fight like siblings of course, but they're so sweet to each other most of the time. and they LOVE to play together.

Okay...back to the reality of the mess of our house. hope everyone is well!!!

a few videos

2010-03-09T12:12:00.002-05:00

most of you who are facebook friends will have already seen these. but, for those of you who aren't, enjoy:

This was from week 1 at home (clearly enjoying each other already):

This one was last week. I just LOVE how much my kids adore their daddy.

delayed gratification

2010-03-07T13:06:00.002-05:00

I love watching Lucy around babies. It had been a while but in the last few weeks we've spent time with 3 different precious babies. Lucy completely ADORES babies. Bringing them bottles, squeezing them (a little too hard), holding them on her lap, helping change diapers, etc.

Last week I had a moment where I felt a little sad for her. With us adopting Isaiah, she missed getting to really play this role. He doesn't let her hold him...(um, and that's not really possibly anyway). He doesn't need as much help as a baby does (although we find ways to let her be the big sister). it just isn't the same as bringing a new born into the family and for a moment I was sad for her.

Even if we have more biological children...the decision about that, of course, should not be ours. But even if we do...she'll never be at this age, the way she is right now to experience it this same way.

anyway, it made me sad for a moment. and then really, really happy. I hope and pray that we model a life for her and joyfully lead her to a life where she'll delight in delayed gratification. where she'll willingly give up dreams and really great things that God just hasn't written as her story in order to obey Him. I hope and pray that both Isaiah and Lucy will love to practice delayed gratification for heaven and spend their lives here obeying...sometimes receiving and enjoying pleasures (when God offers them) and other times receiving and enjoying the anticipation of heaven. when our appetites and longings will truly be filled.

Of course, there are MANY "betters" about having a brother who is about the same age,and the analogy breaks down because we didn't find going after Isaiah sacrificial in any way. But, I think unknowingly, Lucy has been a part of something that meant a little bit less opportunity for her. She is not experiencing something that could have been hers and that she would have loved. I rarely refrain from something that I have the opportunity to have. I pray I'll learn how. and model how. and I pray that will describe our children.

gotcha day glory and getting ready for adoption

2010-02-17T14:35:00.003-05:00

maybe you're not like me.
maybe you didn't have days when you (over)thought about people's excitement about your child's adoption.
Maybe you didn't count the number of people "following" you or commenting on posts or facebook comments.
Maybe you didn't have days where you thought "I better write something or my people [whoever 'my people' are] will stop reading my blog."

You see, when all the fanfare of the adoption is past (for most followers that's the gotcha day video). you go back to normal. you seemingly anonymously slip back into the adventure of life called raising your children.

It reminds me of how people tell you to spend 2x as much time preparing for marriage as you do planning your wedding. You see, you're marrying a wonderful sinner... so don't get too caught up in the dress, the cake, the invitations, etc. Or else you'll be shocked to find yourself less prepared as a spouse. and don't think that marriage is just awesome. it is a lot of work! sure, there's a balance of excitment and preparation...but don't just dream.

In the same way it is easy as we approach adoption to idealize these kids. To make them idols as we think about them from afar. or to think only of the gotcha moment. YES we should long for them, love them, etc. But, we shouldn't fool ourselves into thinking they're more than they are.

So, let me invite you to repent (with me) of the attention-seeking we're prone to desire...that's perhaps exposed more after the adoption is complete and you're 'normal' again. and let me invite you to think as much about parenting your child as getting him/her.

You're adopting a sinner. not every day is going to feel like your gotcha day. not every day will there be people (you don't know) cheering you on. you're going to need a lot of grace. love. information. support. don't get too caught up in the magic moments (although they really really are a taste of heaven) or the blogging.

but maybe you're not like me.

oh for a thousand tongues to sing

2010-02-08T20:32:00.003-05:00

The house is quiet. Our children are upstairs sleeping in their room and Hunter and I are snuggling on the couch. Neither of us can believe the privilege we've been given in parenting Lucy and Isaiah. Here are a few favorite moments from getting home:

Lucy brought gift after gift to Isaiah when we first got home (several of which have been around the house for a long time, but we always talked about how they were for Isaiah). She kept walking up and saying "this is for him" or "this is for you". She was SOOOOOOOO excited for him to be home. it was completely adorable.
When Lucy woke up from her nap this afternoon, we came downstairs and after 5 minutes she asked if she could wake up Isaiah. "I neeeeeeeeeeeed him." After Hunter and I felt somewhat emotionally conflicted this morning about sharing love/attention and whether Lucy would understand...my heart leapt with joy at her delight in her brother. I'm sure we'll pray forever that our children will love each other.
Dancing like crazy, singing and giggling together as a family of four this afternoon. It doesn't get much better than knowing that your son usually is restrained about laughter and then watching him spontaneously bust out laughing at Lucy multiple times today. and she did the same with him. and then of course they repeated the activities 15 times. So stinkin adorable.
All the love and support, notes, texts, etc. we've received from friends and family. it all means the world to us.

"And my soul wells up with a Hallelujah"

knowing you

2010-01-29T13:26:00.003-05:00

Dear Isaiah:

It has almost been a week of knowing you and you completely melt my heart. I think all the aching and the crying and the waiting really prepared my heart to love you deeply. That and the fact that you're so stinking adorable I can't help it. I still can barely believe that you're really with us.

Here are a few memories for you from this week:

When we pulled up to the gate to meet you for the first time, I could barely breathe. I kept trying deep breaths, but I just couldn't do it. I've never felt so nervous or excited before in my life. Really, never.
When we walked in, I completely lost it. Daddy and I didn't guess that I'd cry (we guessed he would)...but before they brought you to us, as we stood there soaking in the moment that we had anticipated and ached for for so long, I just wept tears of joy. Tears of gladness. I just couldn't believe we really got to have you.
You SCREAMED your head off when you met us. to be expected. and you calmed down because we gave you a cookie and a few cars to play with. I pretended it was just because you knew us. But really, it was the cookie.
But 15 minutes into the time together, you were already starting to warm up. I kept kissing you on your forehead and you kept leaning back in to get another one. You definitely were eager to be held...and we were eager to oblige.
Looking at my pictures over the past week, you can see SO much joy on Daddy's and my faces. It is because God gave us you. And we still kind of can't believe it.
You played hard to get for a few days. You didn't make a sound. Literally. Your face was completely stoic. Even when we were playing together you could tell you were nervous. Now that I know how coordinated you are, I can tell the first few days you were just too nervous to play with the cars, to throw the ball, etc. I'm sorry you felt scared.
The third day you started to open up. We were at dinner with a bunch of friends from the travel group and I overheard one of them talking about you. She repeated it for me to hear, "you can just tell he's warming up, even by how his face is relaxing." The first few days everything about you was stiff. Being with us (and away from Home of Hope) was a really scary thing for you. But, that third night at dinner, I think you started to sense a little more that we loved you. That we're here to stay. And you started giving us little grins. The whole table celebrated with us. It was so sweet. I put you on my lap and we played "I'm a piece of popcorn" and you LOVED being thrown in the air. we probably did it 50 times. Your smile made my year.
Honestly, ever since then you've just continued to progress. Everyone comments on how adorable you are, how much personality you have, etc. I've taken a bajillion pictures of you because you're just so cute.
You said "ucy" yesterday. (Lucy). You've said water, bottle, mama, Isaiah (wow), too. We're praying your language will develop quickly because it is so hard to not be able to communicate. and we want to remove that frustration for you!
We went to say goodbye to the sisters and caretakers at Home of Hope and several of them came up to meet "Mama Dieudonne" and to squeeze you. 3 in particular were doting on you and were sad to see you go. But, of course, they REJOICED that you have a family.

Honestly, I am completely blown away by you, Isaiah. I am sooooooooo thrilled to be your mommy and I'm praying God will give us the grace we need to know how to love and parent you well. (we pray that same thing for Lucy). You are my ached for, longed for, greatly anticipated gift of God. And I'm so thankful for you. I love you so much it makes my tummy hurt.

we're so lucky.

2010-01-27T22:26:00.006-05:00

I'm going to preempt any of the "he's so lucky" comments and thoughts that may come...to say WE'RE so lucky. (cousin Lori already said this tonight :) thanks Lor!)

We're so thankful that God is allowing us to have him in our family permanently. We're so thankful that God has known Isaiah and has been with him every single breath of his life. We're so thankful now that he's given us the privilege of raising him, of being his family. We're just so, so, so, so thankful.

Here are some recent photos (we're so thankful for the progress he's making this week. He started out pretty stoic and scared of us...but clearly he's now having a good time). I've been doing a much better job of uploading pictures to facebook...so if you want more photos, just friend me there and give me some info as to how we're connected so I accept the request.

loving Isaiah

2010-01-25T14:13:00.002-05:00

Sorry we stink at updating our blog. a bit occupied loving up on our incredible son :).

We had a really good day. It seems like for a little stretch of time he starts coming out of his shell and then he freezes up again. but hopefully his trust in us will continue to grow every day. he's with us for good now, which makes all of us really, really happy.

We got our first real smiles today. it was while playing one of Lucy's favorite games, "I'm a piece of popcorn". It is one of those games where you bounce the kiddo in your lap while you sing a little song. Here is his response:

He also made a few noises and communicated with us a tiny bit. until then, he literally didn't make a noise near us for 3 days. So glad to start learning his personality a little more. I have a feeling there is a lot of it there :)

seriously, meeting and receiving Isaiah into our family has been UNBELIEVABLE. we love him as much as we thought we did, if not more. I'm in disbelief a lot of the time but mostly it just feels COMPLETELY natural. (who knows how it will be once he comes out of his shell...we may be in for a run for our money...or he may just be a smooth transitioner. Only time and God's way will tell.

Please keep praying for all of us. For Lucy, that she feels safe, secure, loved, that she has fun and that she sleeps well. For Zay, that he continues to feel safe, secure, loved and starts to build trust with us. That his heart will stay soft and he'll receive love from us. For us, that we'll remember to ask God for help when we don't know what to do and when we feel more confident in instincts, that we'll support one another well and be unified in how we approach parenting. That our consulate appointment tomorrow and next week will be uneventful. That we'll stay safe and healthy and get to come home early! we're hoping we can come home next Thursday or Friday instead of Saturday. we'll keep you posted. it depends on how visa processing goes in nairobi next week.

Hope you're all well! I'm bursting with joy! I'm going to go snuggle with my peanut and my hubby before I go to sleep. he's with us forever now!

meeting Isaiah

2010-01-24T00:04:00.002-05:00

oh man. it was AMAZING. I'm not going to go into much detail right now, but suffice it to say that when we arrived at Home of Hope I COMPLETELY lost it. I'm sure that this was the most joy I've experienced so far. It was just too much. I put my head in Hunter's chest and just cried. How could it really be happening?! So thankful.

They brought him up (having rudely interrupted his wonderful time playing with his friends. hah). and he was SCREAMING. I mean, SCREAMING. Promising start, eh? Then the caregiver handed him to me, and he started screaming a little harder. It was to be expected. Tough age to meet someone for the first time. after about a minute we gave him a cookie and it helped him calm down. We tucked ourselves away for a bit and Hunter held him and then I held him again :). It was AMAZING. I mean, he was definitely scared at first, but pretty quickly he started reservedly playing with us.

I sang some songs to him and he really nuzzled in. So sweet. we played with stickers on our noses which brought his eyes to full eye contact with us. INTENSE. He seemed to really enjoy it...for having been scared out of his mind.

Today I get to watch my adoption wife (Susie. LOVE HER) meet her son. And 2 more families. SOOOOOO excited. and then we get to bring the kiddos to our hotel to play with us all day. I CAN'T WAIT to see him. to get to know him a little more. to start building some trust.

seriously. he's amazing.

can't wait to be home with Lucy. the 4 of us. together.

your last day little peanut

2010-01-22T10:07:00.002-05:00

Alright Zay (short for Isaiah). This is it. This is your last day of not knowing us. Tomorrow, largely unbeknownst to you, you're going to meet your forever family. For a while in the afternoon you'll just be playing as usual. Messing around with your favorite truck and your favorite friends. Then the sisters are going to sweep you away, tell you that you need to change your clothes and wash up to meet your family. (don't worry...we won't make you wash up very often). But they'll get you all ready and undoubtedly you'll look very handsome.

Meanwhile, mommy and daddy will be on an airplane. Traveling 15 hours from Wash DC to Addis, Ethiopia and then another several hours on to Kigali. Chances of sleep are slim as I'll be imagining all day/night what it will feel like. Daddy will probably end up frustrated by how many times I'll say "I just CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Or, "what are you thinking?! this is just amazing!" or "are we ever going to get there?!?!"

It feels so surreal. I've prayed for and dreamed of this moment for so long and the time is finally here.

Oh Zay, I can't wait to squeeze you, to study your face, to know what holding you feels like. And the amazing thing is I don't have to wait much longer. Tomorrow, my son. Tomorrow. I love you!!!

on our way!

2010-01-22T08:46:00.001-05:00

Alright... we'll hopefully post next with a picture of Isaiah with us!!! Pray for Lucy while we're gone. Pray for safe travel, smooth logistics and a sweet reunion.

praying for us

2010-01-19T09:42:00.003-05:00

Hey friends:
here are ways you can pray for us over the next few days and weeks:

For Isaiah: (from Isaiah 41: 10):
Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I'll uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Please pray that while there is so much change and chaos that he may or may not understand...that God would be his rock. That he'd sense consistency and peace because he can tell God is with him. We're praying for a real physical sense of God's presence that would calm him.

For Lucy:
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." (Psalm 46: 1-3)

Pray that she'd learn that God is her refuge and strength. That even if (to her) it feels like things are unstable and hard, that He will feel very present with her.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2: 3).

It is a lot to pray that (above) for a little 2 year old, but we're praying that this will be her attitude towards Isaiah. That she'll somehow, by God's grace, know His love so much that she'll overflow with it for Isaiah. That she'll joyfully look to his interests.

Philippians 1: 9: "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight" So, we're praying that God will help Lucy to have knowledge of his love and that her love will, therefore, abound for others...including Isaiah.

For us:

Psalm 112: 6-8:
"Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever.
He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear"

I have struggled lately thinking about really awful things... my worst nightmares happening while we're gone. It robs me of joy and it robs me of faith. We don't know that everything will be perfect (for us while we're there, for Lucy while we're gone, for our family when we return). Our hope isn't built on that. Just because it could happen, because we live in a broken world, doesn't mean I need to spend tons of time imagining the worst possible things. Please pray that I will have no fear of bad news and that I'll trust that God will give me the grace we need for each day. Each day has enough trouble of its own, so why create more drama?

I'm sure there's lots lots more...but those are some things you can be praying for. Thanks!

Dear Lucy

2010-01-17T20:14:00.003-05:00

Lucy Goosey:
This is a really big week for all of us. And I think you can sense it. Either that or it is that you're 2 1/2 and really hitting the not-so-wonderful stretch (also known as the terrible twos). Probably both. I get the sense, though, (from increased clinginess, incessant whining and the way you strive for attention when people ask and talk about Isaiah) that you feel change coming. And you're a little nervous.

I'm a little nervous too. I have LOVED every minute of being your mom. Just us at home. I wasn't actually sure what I would be like as a mom...and I'm not necessarily the mom I thought I would be. For example, I'm WAY more mooshy and emotional than I thought I would be. My eyes get all watery (yes, that means I'm crying and just have a hard time admitting it) most times I'm around babies. My heart aches for you when I'm gone even for just a day or two. I just love getting to watch you grow. Let's just say that you've won me over to this whole mommying thing.

You did a couple of things in the past week that made my heart leap. Last week during church you looked over at me while we were singing a song and you raised your hand like me. Then you got the sweetest smile on your face. Like you knew it would delight my soul. I can't wait to see you worship Jesus and I pray I won't hinder you coming to him as a child and that I won't offer you a narrow route for how your faith has to look. I just pray you'll worship him in spirit and truth and that He'll be the center of your life.

Then today your brother gave you a play kitchen (well, actually Daddy and I bought it because we thought you were starting to resent your brother. In addition to praying that your heart would grow to deeply love your brother, we decided to work other angles as well. it's cool.) Anyway, you have a really little kitchen upstairs and you asked me if we could give that one to your friend Cadence because you have a new one now. I love that little generous spirit and the way you want to make others feels special. So sweet. (sorry in advance, Joel and Nikki...you're welcome to take it to fantastic thrift where it came from. I have to let her give it to Cadence now!)

Anyway, I know this is going to be a hard adjustment. I wish there were books about learning how to love being a big sister. well of course there are books about that, but I wish there were books about "I'm a big sister to a little brother who is younger but bigger than me. and my parents left me for 2 weeks to pick him up and now are practically ignoring me even though he's the same age as me and perfectly capable of feeding and clothing himself." A little too specific, huh? (By the way, she's 27 or 28 lbs and he's a hefty 31...although she's 5 months older).

Honestly, I'm not really sure what it is going to feel like. I bet it is going to be really hard when we come home and have been gone for 2 weeks and then we have to spend so much time helping Isaiah adjust to life here and don't have as much time/margin to spend extra special time with you... even though I can assure you that we'll miss you like crazy. We're praying that you will somehow "care more about others' (Isaiah's) interests than your own" (Phil 2). And we're praying that we'll know how to help you adjust to this new role.

Don't get me wrong, you're really excited about a lot of things with Isaiah coming home. You're really excited to show him where the trampoline is, where he will eat, which clothes are his, etc. You're really excited to have a constant playmate, someone to boss around...I mean someone to play school with, etc. Until this morning you were really excited to show him his bed... but then Daddy helped me realize we had to break something to you that might be hard. Well, Isaiah is going to stay in our room for a while. And let's just say you were less than thrilled with that announcement. We talked, though, about how you've gotten so much snuggle time with mommy and daddy and that Isaiah hasn't gotten that kind of snuggle time yet...so we have to help him catch up a little and feel safe in our house. You seemed to come around to the idea a little more...but I have a feeling this is going to be a battle for you. and you're not going to like it.

Let me assure you of a few things you might not sense at first. There's plenty of room in our hearts for both of you. God made us in this crazy way where our capacity to love is immeasureable. It multiplies in ways we don't understand. Our family will be different. Sometimes or oftentimes it might be hard. But it will be our journey of life together. And I LOVE that we're on it together.

Also, God is your rock. As much as we've prayed that Isaiah would sense God's presence with him always...especially during the transition when he's likely to feel really shaken/confused, etc. We've prayed that he'd sense God's constancy and His physical presence with him the whole time. We're praying that for you too, Luce. Your daddy and I are going to try as hard as we can to give you a solid, secure foundation in our family...but we're going to desperately pray that you'd know that God is your rock. Because of Him you'll never be shaken. I pray even in this situation you'll grow to trust that. That you'll sense His presence with you and that His love for you will help you to feel love and to give love to Isaiah.

I love you like crazy Luce and I can't wait to see what you're going to be like as a big sister.

a conservative approach

2010-01-12T13:33:00.004-05:00

So, I thought it might be helpful (to some) to describe the way we're approaching Isaiah's transition into our family. Of course in some ways, what we're doing is an everyday thing: we're just adding another family member to our family. Families grow from 3 to 4 people all the time; why all the fuss?

Well, I guess there are a lot of reasons. Until probably 7 years ago I didn't know any of them... and then I met two friends whose families adopted many children and better understood (or heard about, anyway) the challenges adoptive children and families face. And then until about 6 months ago I didn't know much about the details of reasons for challenges, strategies to mitigate them, etc...and now I've read a lot about it. I'm no expert but I'm trying to get resourced with a lot of information and help so that when challenges come, we won't be so shocked.

A few qualifiers before we start:

It is dangerous to talk about parenting strategies/approaches because inevitably people end up feeling (or getting) judged. While I will share our planned approach here, I want to tell you that I'm not that confident in myself and when I feel like I'm failing or I'm not sure what to do in a situation, I plan on praying. Praying and asking for help. Praying and asking for forgiveness. Praying and asking for grace. Praying and asking for wisdom from friends. If we disagree, I'm okay with that and hope to learn from what you're doing. In no way have I figured this thing out... which leads me to the second point...
Every. single. kid. is. different. I don't think fully adopting a method of parenting is nimble or human enough. Every kid is different and every parent is different. All the resources I've read and people I've talked to are helpful, but they will not know Isaiah (or Lucy) better than me and they won't have integrated my story (or Hunter's) well enough either. They'll know some things but not all things. So, while we'll implement tons of what we've learned, we will try not to forget that God uniquely made our children. that he planned the time when they would join our family. That their needs will be different than we anticipate (probably some easier, some harder). So, in some ways, if you and I are doing different things with/for our kids, hopefully part of that is reflecting our Maker who made them and us differently. Or, if it happens to be a right or wrong situation, I hope we'll have the grace to talk to one another respectfully, timidly, humbly and prayerfully.
We live in a broken world. While we're going to do everything we think we should to help our children experience life as God intends them to... we also declare that we live in a world still in need of the fulfillment of what Jesus promised. We don't expect life to be easy, for us or our children. While some of these techniques along with God's grace may help our children feel more whole here on earth, our children will never be complete here. There will inevitably be aches and pains and while we want to find ways to help our kids cope well here, most of all we want to point them to a Savior who promises to mend everything that's broken, some here and some later.

With that said, here's what I mean by we're taking "a conservative approach."

Well, there's a lot of research and literature out there now on Attachment Parenting in adoption. To way oversimplify and summarize, when children are young, they are meant to go through various stages of emotional development. Apparently healthy emotional development best and most commonly occurs in a supportive, interactive, loving environment within a family context. According to Deborah Gray, one of the many attachment pyschologists, "Children who arrive in their permanent families later in childhood often have developmental delays. Loving touch, rocking, cuddling, bathing, encouraging direct eye contact--just some of the basic building blocks of early nurture--may feel unfamiliar or even threatening to them." Adoptive parents have to take the time and energy to help their children catch up.

So, our underlying assumption as we move forward is that while 1) God is good and capable of working miracles despite what research tells us and 2) the sisters at Home of Hope did an excellent job nurturing and caring for Isaiah's needs with the limited resources available to them, we're going to assume that Isaiah and we will need to work through parts of the attachment cycle that should have been mastered well before 2.

I've visited a lot of orphanages, many in Africa, and one of the saddest things to me is the way the kids RUN up and practically leap into your arms asking to be held and touched. Sweet 2,3 and 4 years olds are grabbing at my legs and arms, hoping I'll hold them. Why's that so sad? Well, Lucy would NEVER do that. Lucy SHOULD NEVER do that. She should never do that with a complete stranger, that is. It is entirely appropriate for a child to hide from and resist being touched by someone they don't know.

So a conservative approach regarding attachment and Isaiah means that while Isaiah might transition into our family virtually seamlessly and he might effortlessly bond with me and be ready to go out and about our normal activities, we're going to assume those things won't happen without structure and we're going to lay low for a while and take it slow bonding with him and assuring him of our care. Here are some specific examples of that (for more reading, please check out Dr. Deborah Gray's "Attaching in Adoption" or "The Connected Child" by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross.):

1. When we meet him I'm going to RESTRAIN myself as much as possible. I'm actually hoping the sister who brings him to us won't be holding him and won't try to put him in my arms. I mean, of course I'm DYING to hold him, but I'm hoping we'll get to give him the chance to call the shots a little bit. Feel a little more comfortable in the first moments we have with him. If he was younger I wouldn't be as worried about this...but since he's older, I imagine this is going to scare the crap out of him and I want to be as gracious about it as we can.

2. We won't get to have him stay with us the first 2-3 nights. While this will break our hearts (and we don't really have control over it), I think it is really good for Isaiah's initial adjustment to us. How terrifying would it be to meet people for the first time, be taken away from the only people you know in the world and never return?! I know other people have different thoughts on this, but I'm thankful that we have to do it this way. I'm so thankful that Isaiah loves his caretaker at Home of Hope and I'm glad that we'll spend our first afternoon with him on his turf. Then we'll take him to spend most of the day with us on day 2 (away from HOH) and then on Day 3 hopefully we'll get to have him stay with us for good...but we might be flexible on that if he still seems really stressed or scared. Once we keep him with us at night, later that week we'll go back to HOH and say goodbye. While it is going to KILL me to let him sleep elsewhere the first two nights, I think it is gracious to him.

3. If he avoids or refuses eye contact, which is pretty classic when transitioning, we'll use stickers on our noses to let him play with them. When his hands and eyes move towards my nose, it will draw his eyes pretty close to mine. and we'll try to make him trust that we love him when we look at him in the eye. Lots of playing and attempts at eye contact.

4. I'm going to carry him in a sling for a while. All 31 pounds of him :). We'll use other "babying" techniques...not sure which ones yet.

5. With the exception of grandparents, we're not going to let other people feed, bathe, clothe, give really big hugs, babysit, etc. for a while. This one feels like the hardest for everyone. What we understand about it, though, is that he likely will be more than happy to be passed around the room. He doesn't have a sense of who he's supposed to be with (us). Who he's supposed to count on (parents). and that's not healthy for him going forward. here's the way one adoptive family put it as they tried to explain it to their family and friends:

"Our daughter is still learning the meaning of a family. She does best and is happiest when she is getting the amount of structure that she needs. That is why she is trying to get into your lap and treat you like her new mommy. if she had developed a relationship with you over the last several years, the lap sitting would be fine. But she has never met you before! As it is, she is still choosing to get close to people she just met, but afraid to get close to her family. That is why we cannot allow her to sit on your lap yet. She needs to learn that family members are safe to love and love deeply. Otherwise, she will continue believing that people are replacable; nobody is worth caring for deeply."

So, while it is going to KILL me/us to keep him to ourselves a lot, we're going to try to secure that initial attachment with us before we let him find out just how desperately everyone around us wants to squeeze and love on him too :) (I read this about how to encourage folks who are close to us about their role at first "team members need to learn that until children are well-attached to their parents, big hugs, lap-sitting, long gazes, and being carried are intimate expressions of love reserved for members of the nuclear family--with the possible exception of grandparents....after some attachment has formed, parents can ease off this exclusivity. Tell friends that this early attachment work parallels the arrangement parents have with infants--the parents do the feeding.")

Okay, this is getting long and I still haven't given many helpful examples. Sorry...it is a complex thing. Again, please know that this isn't the Bible. I don't think everyone needs to do the same thing...but I think this is how we're going to approach parenting Isaiah. We may shift and be ready for less cautious methods quickly or it may be a while...we're going to pray and lot and see.

Introducing William Isaiah Dieudonne Thompson!!!!!

2010-01-07T22:26:00.009-05:00

Could you sleep last night my son...cause this mama sure couldn't. I tossed and turned for hours. Just waiting to get the word.

It is OFFICIAL. The Rwandan courts have declared that legally YOU ARE OUR SON!!! FOREVER.

Here's our video of meeting you (when we got your referral):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTgdROn-Grs

Here was the picture from that day. (feel free to gush. it is only natural :)). Your given name is Dieudonne, which means "Given by God". There is no doubt in our mind that you have been given to us by God. You are a prayed for, longed for gift of God that we can't wait to spend the rest of our lives knowing and enjoying. We will call you Dieudonne in addition to Isaiah. William is your daddy's first name too (although he goes by Hunter, his middle name). So, you're going to follow in daddy's footsteps and go by your middle name too.

tomorrow

2010-01-07T13:26:00.002-05:00

Oh Isaiah. Tomorrow is a day I have been looking forward to for a long time. It isn't the biggest of the big days (when we get to finally meet you in person). But tomorrow I get to share the news with the world. (I mean, officially, of course): that I'm the proudest and luckiest mama in the world. That I officially have TWO children. Lucy and Isaiah. Tomorrow you officially become ours and we officially become yours. And, what is very exciting for your friends who read this, I get to share your picture! Your handsome, precious, beautiful face will definitely be everyone's favorite part of reading what's going on with us.

Lately, you are about all Lucy can talk about. She keeps telling me all the things she's going to show you. Your bed. Your seat at the table. The grocery store. Your clothes and shoes. Today she told me she'll share her popcorn with you. But I don't believe her. (Don't worry...she doesn't really have a choice...and here, there's LOTS of popcorn if you want more).

She's so excited to be your big sister. We're so excited to have you in our family. Forever.

For a really, really, long time. What has felt like AGES (and I think I've earned some gray hairs as a result). We have longed for you. Ached for you. Cried for you. Waited and waited and waited. There were so many nights when I felt like I was literally going to burst I longed for you so much. And the time is finally here. I can't wait to tell you about how much we've sought you. What lengths we went to and would have gone to because we wanted you. YOU. I love you so much and I can't wait to tell you all about it.

a few recent photos

2010-01-04T14:33:00.015-05:00

(left)Our amazing hosts, Paul, Chrissy, Reagan and baby girl Keeton. SUCH an amazing night. (below) one of the plates of authentic, delicious Rwandan/East African food.

(left) cake made by our good friend Kelly. BEAUTIFUL with pinapple on the top.

(below) our dear friends the Dowdas. we love them!

(left) KK and Neil in our CRAZY amount of snow!

(below) lucy so proud of her cookies and cupcake ornaments

(left) me and HT at our friends' wedding

(below) Neil and Lulu playing in the igloo.

(left)Lucy trying to smoosh the blankets in to fit into one of our suitcases. the blanket on top was beautifully made for Isaiah(ette) if he was a girl. Instead it will be given to one of his friends.

(below) KK and me at our celebration over the weekend

(left) the Rwandan flag card describing the Rwandan Red Raspberry Tea

(below) Lucy playing at Zay's party

there are lots more photos but uploading is taking FOREVER. more later, perhaps :)

it takes a village to raise a child

2010-01-03T12:50:00.003-05:00

There have been many nights throughout the process of bringing our son home where I've been unable to fall asleep. Aching. Sometimes crying. Always deeply longing. Some weeks were terrible and I just couldn't sleep almost at all. Wondering what he was doing. What he was thinking. How long would it be until we could bring him home.

Sleep has been difficult many, many nights.

Last night was no exception. I tried and I tried but I just couldn't fall asleep. But for a totally different reason: joy, gratitude, excitement and layers and layers of thoughtfulness. Last night a few of our closest friends gathered at the home of our dear friends Paul and Chrissy to celebrate Isaiah joining our family. We were overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness and love.

Unbeknownst to us, our thoughtful hostess encouraged everyone in the group to find a Rwandan or East African dish to make for the meal. The entrees were DELICOUS. Several stews/sauces for rice, Chapati, fried plantains, fried sweet potato patties, etc. Chrissy printed out food labels with the Rwandan flag as the background so everyone could label their dish. I kept walking in circles around the house feeling overwhelmed by the creativity and details.

Together, friends sent in pictures of their kiddos (including our family) to make a book for Isaiah to introduce him to all his people. Each letter of the alphabet (almost) has a person or a few people important to him/us whom he'll get to know. People who have cherished him from afar. The cover of the book is a picture of him. So, so so so so sooooo thoughtful.

They also all donated money to provide for some of the needs of Isaiah's friends at Home of Hope. The sisters do everything they can with the resources they have...but there is definitely always need for more.

Our football team made up of friends who, for the most part, were not there last night, pitched in and gave us a gift of photography: an INCREDIBLE photographer from Charlottesville will come out to our home a few months after Isaiah's home (and we've all adjusted) to take some family pictures. She's incredibly talented and I'm so so grateful for this beautiful gift.

So last night I as I tried and tried to fall asleep, pictures of our friends' faces kept coming to mind. Bits of the many ways they've supported us and loved us throughout this journey...and what they've committed to going forward. We are unbelievably blessed and thankful. We feel so loved by you, and sincerely feel the Father's love through you.

It will take a village to raise our family. and we are so grateful for each of you.

These are the words of the card that they gave us:

Front: "Children are the Reward of Life"-- African proverb

Inside: "When you're rocking him to sleep and humming lullabies to his soul, remember to whisper something good and lasting in his little ear. Tell him how beautiful, how buttery brown, how truly loved he is. Tell him that one day he may change the world, but for now, he is the answer to a sweet, silent prayer"

Gosh. We feel so loved and we can't wait to share it with Isaiah.

PS. Lucy got to come to Zay's party and had a BLAST...although she was a little confused why he wasn't going to be there. Chrissy assured her that, despite all her efforts with Oprah, she wasn't able to swing the early reunion. 2 1/2 weeks and counting!!!

update

2009-12-30T21:15:00.002-05:00

Well... court went very well (so we hear) but the judge won't give the official ruling until next Friday. Once we hear from our POA that everything is 100% official we'll be able to post pictures :).

We now have tentative travel dates: January 22-February 5th. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. Wish like crazy it was sooner, but am so thankful that in a little over three weeks we'll be meeting our son face-to-face. I can hardly believe it.

one major change that we'll have to navigate along with our agency and other traveling families is that we're going to Kenya to process Isaiah's visa (instead of Ethiopia). There may be some difficulties going this route...but the Ethiopia option isn't great either. Please pray that this will go smoothly so we don't have to be away from home any longer than necessary.

Did I mention that we get to see our son in 3 weeks. HOLY SMOKES.

Court on Wednesday!!!

2009-12-26T21:51:00.002-05:00

Forgot to post the news on here... but just to keep everybody in the loop, Isaiah's court date is this coming Wednesday!!! If everything goes smoothly (please pray that it will!!) he'll be officially, officially ours (and we'll be officially, officially his) FOREVER starting on Wednesday. Then we'll travel 1-3 weeks later to pick him up. Wow! We're hoping for the fastest travel date possible...but that's out of our hands.

So, while court may seem like a formality since we've received so many approvals at this point, let me tell you the AMAZING thing that's declared that day.

When the judge hits his gavel during Isaiah and our family's court proceeding, he is declaring:
That this made-in-God's image, beautiful child is officially OUR SON. Lucy's BROTHER. Jack, Renee, Alex, Simon and Gabi's COUSIN. Blake, Beth, Sherri, Dave, Stephanie, Matt and KayLeigh's NEPHEW. Linda, Ron, Dottie and Bob's GRANDSON...the GREAT NEPHEW of the 11 brothers and sisters (and spouses) my dad has, the 7 brothers and sisters (and spouses) my mom has, the 4 brothers and sisters (and spouses) that Hunter's dad has. and on and on and on.

Not to mention his many unbelievable friends who have loved and longed for him with us.

And WE, my friends, are the ones who are BLESSED (I'm so freaking excited I can barely contain myself).

Please pray for that gavel to hit, declaring us his family and him our son.

confessions...warning: a little intense

2009-12-13T17:00:00.010-05:00

If you're here to feel motivated and encouraged about adoption or updated about the particulars of Isaiah joining our family, you might want to check back in a few days. I've been meaning to write about this for a while now and am finally taking the time to do it.

The following are some pretty significant ways I've struggled internally while Hunter and I have lived in a somewhat blighted Richmond neighborhood, as I've worked for a few pretty incredible international organizations and as we've gone through Isaiah's adoption process. I want to share them because I think it is easy for people to think (too) well of people who adopt or who do other things motivated by faith that aren't exactly mainstream. And, I think it is also easy for those of us who are doing those things to think too highly or too often about ourselves and what we're doing to serve God. I'm still struggling with these issues and being humbled by the crevices of my heart; still continually needing grace and forgiveness, though I can now name several of them.

So with the warning that this isn't going to be a chipper, rah-rah post, let me summarize what will follow with the statement that over the past several years God has graciously exposed in me the reality that many of my motives for living where we live, choosing my vocation (where I work for an organization that creatively and dignifyingly (webster?) responds to the needs of those who are poor), adopting a son from Rwanda, etc. have nothing to do with obedience. Have nothing to do with following God. Have nothing to do with a humble sacrifice. But have a LOT to do with managing the way I want people to perceive me and going the way I want to go.

Okay, maybe that's too strong. But, the point is valid. I'm going to use a couple of ruining (for me) quotations and then explain some of these impure motives. Surely our motives aren't only impure (I was, like you, made in God's image after all), but I have a managed to twist even some of the beautiful ways God made me so that I receive glory and credit instead of Him. And I want to tell you about it. I hope that by admitting some of these issues I can invite others of you to consider your motives and be stripped (if necessary) of some of those ugly places in you too. It is a humbling, painful and sometimes difficult process but I believe it leads to a lot more joy, richer relationships and a more abundant life. At least it has for me.

1. "I love my reputation for knowing God more than I love God." Reread that. Ouch. A while back, like many of you, I made a decision about whose approval I most wanted. For some of you it is your boss. Your parents. Your spouse. ETC. For me, it is radically faithful Christians (the ones who live among the poor). Mother Teresa types.

I have the most respect for their faith and thus I want to emulate it and I want them to think well of me too. Now of course I can't pretend like there is no genuine faith mixed in for me...there definitely is. I know that God has given me strong faith. I'm just saying that my actions are also persuaded by the approval and affirmation I'll receive from the people I respect most.

Further, we happen to live in a time when American Christians are, for the most part, respected and honored if they are on the right side of global justice and poverty issues. That's a really good shift in the church since she was rightly accused of neglecting those issues before. But, decisions to work for international organizations serving the poor, then, might have very little to do with obedience...we could be merely following a really positive fad. For some of the wrong reasons (approval, acclaim, fitting in, status, etc.). Sigh.

2. “Nothing disciplines the inordinate desires of the flesh like service, and nothing transforms the desires of the flesh like serving in hiddenness. The flesh whines against service but screams against hidden service. It pulls for honor and recognition. It will devise subtle, religiously acceptable means to call attention to the service rendered.” - Richard Foster

Blogging can be really, really spiritually dangerous, friends. It can be a really useful, beautiful tool for informing people about your life, encouraging and spurring others on...and it can also be a tool to manipulate life to make people think well of you. You can start basing your worth in the number of (positive) comments you receive and the number of "hits" on your website. It is really sickening and there have been a few times throughout this journey when I've wondered if, for my own spiritual good, I needed to stop writing.

Matthew 6: 1-8: Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then, your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

Sometimes I think we believe that it is only the materially rich who are reaping their rewards on earth, “where moth and rust destroy.” But, friends, you and I are tempted by a different form of pre-eternal reward: man’s acclaim for our works of righteousness. Every time we strive for attention, subtly manipulate a conversation or Facebook update to communicate something we’re doing for Jesus, we are robbing ourselves of true, eternal reward. It is always interesting to me that Jesus doesn’t say we won’t get a reward if we do our ‘acts of righteousness’ this way. He simply and devastatingly says we get our reward in full; we just get it here (from man), and not here and later (from our Father.)

It is tricky, though, when it comes to blogging and other means of influence. Foster in the same article later talks about how true service doesn’t fear the lights and blare of attention. Some of you are going to be in positions of God-given influence. But, you should be cautioned in this way so you don't let the attention injure your soul. I’m not suggesting we never tell people about what God's doing, but I’m suggesting that we ask God to examine our motives when we’re doing it. How much of it is to encourage someone, glorify God and obey him…and how much of it is to make ourselves look good?

I think I'll always struggle with this...but I hope being aware of it will at least help me admit weakness and sin faster and go to battle a little bit better.

(BTW, I want to be clear that in this part I'm not talking about Isaiah joining our family. I think adoption simply fits our family really well. I don't see it as an "Act of righteousness." Yes, we're motivated by Scripture that talks about adoption...but we also feel like we're just a family offering a family to a child made in God's image...who, strangely, has felt like part of our family from the beginning. We're not doing it out of some major act of obedience as if it feels like a sacrifice. It just makes tons of sense to us and we're so stinking excited to have him in our family. WE'RE the ones who feel like we're receiving much on this one.)

3. “Great acts of virtue are rare because they are seldom called for. When the occasion for you to do something great comes, it has its own rewards: the excitement, the respect gained from others, and the pride that will accompany your ability to do such “great” things. To do small things that are right continually, without being noticed, is much more important. These small acts attack your pride, your laziness, your self-centeredness, and your oversensitive nature. It is much more appealing to make great sacrifices to God, however hard they might be, so that you might do whatever you want with the small decisions of your life. Faithfulness in the little things better proves your true love for God. It is the slow, plodding path rather than a passing fit of enthusiasm that matters." Francois Fenelon.

I'm not sure I need to explain myself any further other than to say that I am drawn much more to these great acts of virture and I'm quite selfish with the ways I will serve otherwise. Just ask Hunter or Lucy.

I could go on because these conversations and issues are really really important for our souls. But so is sleep.

act of adoption

2009-12-10T21:38:00.002-05:00

praying praying praying our Act of Adoption will get finalized this week so we can get a court date scheduled so we can get to Rwanda ASAP. we're going crazy being so excited about Isaiah joining our family. We're so grateful for all the love he's receiving even before he comes home.

So excited for the Furrs who arrived in Rwanda to meet their daughter Elsa today!!

conflicted praying

2009-12-06T20:01:00.002-05:00

Throughout this process of waiting for our child from Rwanda (whom we now know is Isaiah), Hunter and I have gone through seasons of feeling conflicted while praying for our child. And now as we quickly (praise God!) approach picking him up, we feel conflicted again.

It isn’t that we’re unsure of what we hope and pray for for him: a soft heart towards God, well established and deeply rooted faith, good sleep and nourishment, tender touches from others, a rich sense of his heavenly Father’s love, faith that lends itself to him being able to rejoice in the LORD always (despite circumstances), resilience and humility, that he’d bring joy and light to others even now, etc. And my current bout with discomfort regarding picking him up isn’t that I’m unsure I want Isaiah in our family (good grief, I can’t keep my eyes or mind off him!).

Here’s what’s making us uncomfortable or conflicted: how can we pray for our child in particular when there are so many of his friends who won’t end up in families? How can we pray for special acts of kindness directed at him when we want all of the children to be specially touched and cared for? (This really paralyzed me for a while). How can we rejoice in meeting our son while we leave so many children behind (not only where our son lived…but all over the world)? I’m not trying to sound super compassionate or holy or anything. I’m just practically saying that praying for something special for our son feels somewhat unfair or selfish sometimes.

During the long stretch when we didn’t know who our particular child was, this ache was even more acute. Literally every kid at Home of Hope was “ours”. Has that really changed? Who is my father, mother, brother, sister, daughter, son? Are we not a family, all across the world, of children made in our heavenly Father’s image? Aren't we all somewhat responsible to every other human?

Anyway, as we continue this journey to pick up our son, I’ll continue to rejoice (I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY rejoice) as Isaiah joins our family and continue to pray for specific things for people in our particular family…but I’ll also continue to feel conflicted about who my family is and ask God to show me what that means and how to pray.

May we feel compelled by God’s mercy and love towards us, because of the way he adopted US into his family, to obediently love others in whatever ways God shows us, until God places every single lonely one into a family. Until he restores everything that’s broken. Until he wipes every tear. Until all his promises are fulfilled. Pray with me for Isaiah’s friends. Our brothers and sisters.

Making room for a Son

2009-12-04T12:55:00.003-05:00

Very soon we're going to Rwanda to pick up our son, William Isaiah ______ Thompson. (We're not allowed to post his Rwandan name until after we pass court). Hunter's first name is William and he wants his first born son to have it too. Isaiah has a lot of meaning for us and gives some vision for what we long for in his life (the same way as Lucy's name means "bringer of light"), and I'll go into more detail on that sometime in the future.

Anyway, as we make TONS of preparations for Isaiah to join our family: getting his room ready, gathering/borrowing/buying? clothes and shoes, reading lots about toddler transitions and adoption, etc. I'm reminded about the Son I really need to prepare my life for. The Son of God who loves you, me, Lucy, Isaiah, Hunter, and everybody else in the whole world. The only One who can really sustain me, who is worth living and dying for. Who made me. Who prepared my heart to love both Lucy and Isaiah. Who died so that I could have life to the fullest.

As much as I am eagerly anticipating and LONGING and aching for the arrival of our son, will you please pray with me that during this Advent season (while we're together preparing to celebrate the arrival of Jesus) I would long more for Jesus than I do for our kid, that my heart would be warmer towards Jesus than it is for anything else? Would you pray that we'd be preparing our house for the coming of Jesus...while also preparing for Isaiah?

Dear Isaiah

2009-12-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Isaiah:
I love you! Gosh how I long to tell you that. To look into those deep, dark, beautiful eyes of yours and tell you how much I love you. Even typing those words makes me cry. You know how I spent at least 75% of my day today? Looking at your pictures, changing the size of them (600% sometimes! you're really handsome up close), turning my face sideways, changing the angle on the computer, etc. to see if I could see any new parts of you…trying to pretend like it was 4-d instead of flat. I’m sure people think I’m crazy. I kind of feel like it right now too.

I got to see a picture of you that was taken today. IT WAS AMAZING. For a second I felt like I lived a real-life moment with you (because it was sent from a phone). A picture was snapped and then not very long after, I got to see your face. Your precious, beautiful, kissable face. I wanted to jump through the computer and into your room. To sing goodnight to you. To tell you over and over and over again how much you’re loved. I know the women taking care of you right now love you so much. They’re showing you so much love and they're helping us get to you. We’re so thankful. We’ll be there soon, my love. We’re coming. We long for you so much it makes my tummy ache most of the time. Daddy thinks I’m a flight risk. I think so too. When we get there, I’ll try not to squeeze you too much. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to control myself so I might need to let Daddy carry you some. Might. He’ll have to pry you off me though. I called dibs on getting to hold you first. Daddy didn't like when I tried to claim rights to that enormous privilege.

Have I told you what an amazing daddy you have? He's super fun, silly, smart and loves you SO MUCH. Don't tell him I told you this, but he cried really hard when we opened up your picture. They were the kind of tears that say "I'm not sure I've ever been this happy!" We just kept hugging each other and crying because we were so amazed by you! Daddy is already so proud to be your dad. He tells everyone at work and everywhere else about his amazing son. His first born son. That's you.

Your sister Lucy prayed for you at lunch today, that you’d have your eyes opened to see God. We pray for you together every night, every time we eat and before she takes her nap. She sometimes still calls you brother-sister, but she’ll get the hang of it soon. She is SO proud when she carries your picture around and shows people. “This is my bruder.” (Don’t worry, I printed about 50 copies of the same picture…different levels of closeness on the same picture. 8x10, 4x6, 5x7…you’re everywhere). We’re just so proud to call you our son! We want to shout it from the mountaintop!!!

Okay, I am supposed to be working right now. But do you remember your friend Myles? He lived at Home of Hope with you for a little bit. Well, I was chatting with his mommy telling her how I was having a really hard time concentrating because I just want to be with you so much, and she gave me the good idea of writing to you to help me. I’m glad I’ll get to show you this someday to show you how much you mean to me, even before we’ve met. I would put this in some sort of scrapbook...but as you'll soon learn, I'm worthless at that kind of thing.

I love you. Keep sleeping well my heart born son.

pray for us?

2009-12-01T22:13:00.002-05:00

Hey friends... I don't want to miss out on these last great days with just Lucy. Will you pray for me to be fully present with her (feel free to ask me about it and/or challenge me). I think having our son be close in age with Lucy will make it really fun for both of them...a constant playmate. But I have 3 sisters so I'm not so naive to think it will only be fun. I'm sure they'll be jealous of one another and since I know her well, I expect Lucy may have some trouble adjusting to sharing me all the time. Pray she'll love her brother deeply and somehow begin to care more about his (and others in general) interests than her own. Pray she'll remain confident and secure in our love for her, even if she's confused by the changes. Pray both our kids will have soft hearts towards God. Pray for our son to attach well to us, to feel safe and comfortable with us, to enjoy being with us. To know that he belongs. Pray that he'll not be too overwhelmed, and when he is, that we'll sense it and be protective of him. Pray that we'll be able to communicate well with one another. Pray that Hunter and I will depend on God in the overwhelming moments...and seek help from our community.

Thankful for you.

more info on our peanut

2009-12-01T09:31:00.002-05:00

Well...we're not sure on all the details on our little one. We should be finding those out soon, but we won't be able to post them on here until we pass court. He looks to be around 20 months old (give or take a few months?) Did I mention yet HOW ADORABLE he is?! He's so so so so cute.

Please pray for us to get our medical info soon so we can officially accept our referral and start working on a court date. Thanks!!

hoping for pre-Christmas

2009-11-29T19:41:00.002-05:00

Well...we got our approval on my birthday, our referral (of the most adorable little boy I've ever seen) on Thanksgiving....so we're obviously hoping for a Christmas gotcha day. Well, actually we're hoping to get a court date this week (or early next week) and then travel in a couple of weeks so we're home at Christmas. This is pushing it a little bit, but it is the same timeline of the families in Rwanda right now. So it is possible. and, of course, He can move mountains.

Please pray!!!

Oh yeah, and I'm SUPER excited that a bunch of our friends got their approval letters over the weekend! Hooray!!!

It's a boy!!!!!!!!

2009-11-27T13:18:00.003-05:00

So, late this morning I was in the kitchen with Hunter, my sisters, their husbands (and boyfriend) and my mom. I checked my computer to see if there was any news from the families who went to pick up their kids in Rwanda, when MUCH TO MY SHOCK, there was an email for me with our referral.

I screamed "HUNTER! HUNTER! We got it!!!" (Actually, at this point I had jumped up onto a chair. I've been wondering what my reaction would be). Of course Hunter ran over to the computer. Immediately we both started crying. I was shaking. About 30 seconds later we opened the email to meet our son for the first time. He's BEAUTIFUL. I mean, beautiful. Seriously. We cried for a while, called the rest of the family and a few friends. My heart rate hasn't gone done since then. I love him so much. A friend of ours in Rwanda went and met him this morning. He already knows we're coming (sort of). Keep praying for him to be ready for us.

His name means God given or given by God. ya think?!

He looks very serious in his picture, but we hear he's really chubby and smiley :). We don't know age yet but will keep you posted.

We're praying for a quick court date so we can get him before Christmas. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY!!!! We're beyond thrilled. We've been dreaming of this day for a while (literally and figuratively). I don't think I'll sleep tonight.

they're there

2009-11-27T06:42:00.003-05:00

The Dorbands are in Rwanda today. They met their kiddos this morning. Wow! I can't wait to hear about it. Then the Spores, Smiths and Bowers are on their way right now. I'm so excited for them! I hope we find out who our child is while they're all there so they can give him/her some extra love and tell them mommy and daddy are coming really soon.

thankful

2009-11-26T09:38:00.002-05:00

We're thankful for our kiddo across the world and can't wait for the ways he/she will fit into and shape our family. So thankful for their little personality that's being shaped and will forever change what our family is like. So, so thankful for the nuns who care for the children at Home of Hope. For their dedication, their sacrifices, their faith and love that draws them to live their lives with children who have been orphaned, so that they can better know they're loved.

Last week we passed the 2 months mark since our approval (which the Rwandan government said it would take to prepare our referral) so it should be coming any day, any moment. We're so thankful for that. We've been aching, hoping, praying, crying, and longing to see their face, know their name...and of course, especially, to be with them. We're so thankful for the Dorbands, Smiths, and Spores, families who are picking up their kids this weekend. Can you IMAGINE?!?!

We're so thankful for all of you who are journeying with us. Supporting us while we struggle. Supporting us while we rejoice. "If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it." 1 Corinthians 12: 26.

praying, hoping, praying, hoping

2009-11-23T21:33:00.004-05:00

So......... we're SO SO SO SO hopeful we'll get our referral tomorrow. (For some reason Lucy's been saying we're getting it on Tuesday). We're so hopeful about this week being "the week." I believe God is good either way, that the folks working on this in the government of Rwanda are hard working either way... I just really, really hope it comes through.

I'm longing so deeply to see our child's face. To touch him/her. I'm aching to know their name. To be closer to picking him/her up.

I'm still hoping we'll be able to go pick him/her up before/for Christmas. Call me a hopeless optimist (oxymoron, eh) ...but He can move mountains, people. He's mighty to save. He can do this. He might not and he'll still be good, but he surely can. Pray with me!

Oh yeah, and if you haven't already...please check out my friends' ADORABLE children. Since they passed court they're allowed to post pictures. Their blogs are along the left side of the screen.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

2009-11-23T15:37:00.003-05:00

I was super encouraged by the seminar I attended this weekend. It was helpful re: work and God used it to enrich and encourage my faith as well. One of the best parts of it for me was being around people who were much, much older than me, whose faith is so sincere, tested and mature. Folks who have battle wounds from their years of service to God. Many of them had lost a spouse, child or colleague in part because of their decision to move into hard places in the world to follow God.

I usually love to sing along during worship, but on the last morning, I was sitting in the front row, with 250 people in the room. And instead of singing, I just listened to their beautiful, harmonic voices singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness." Believing every word they said. Even though their lives had been hard, even though there were disappointments and major losses... trusting God's faithfulness, depending on him wholly. Knowing that He tells us in advance that it is going to be hard, that we should expect major hardships...but we should also expect that He'll be there with us and He'll use it to shape us more into the image of Christ. It was beautiful.

well done

2009-11-21T23:47:00.003-05:00

I'm sort of a book snob. Not the kind who only reads good literature or the kind who knows when something is well written and when something isn't. I'm the kind of book snob who, upon hearing that TONS of people LOVE a book, refuses to read it just to stick it to the man (not sure who "the man" is, except the answer Lucy gives when we ask her who daddy works for).

anyway.

I did, however, pick up and read Don Miller's new book. Here's the opening page, which I loved:

"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers. You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you'd seen. The truth is, you wouldn't remember the movie a week later, except you'd feel robbed and want your money back. Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo.

But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to feel meaningful. The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make life meaningful either. Here's what I mean by that:"

I'll share more later.

feeling the love of the Father

2009-11-20T10:27:00.002-05:00

So I'm at this conference for work (that I'll never forgive my friend Susie (whom I've never met) for skipping out on--JK, friend) Anyway, the topic is 100% in line with the ways I want and need to care for HOPE's expatriate staff. The topic is: Mental Health and Missions: assessing and fostering resilience in expats in hard posts. So, so interesting and helpful and I'm learning tons about ways to do my job better. Ways to support these amazing people better so they can do what God's called them to do. So they can love God and the vulnerable in places like Afghanistan and Congo, while seeing brokeness everywhere. Seeing promises God has made that He's not quite brought to fruition yet. So they can still hope. Still believe. Still worship.

Umm...it probably is obvious to you where this is going but I was really only seeing this as a work trip. It didn't occur to me until I started my 10 hour drive to get here how much I needed this. How it is hard for me to love God and the vulnerable right now because of the brokenness. It didn't occur to me until I was sobbing off and on during the drive (in rain...not so safe) that I need this topic as much as my friends overseas.

God is so gracious to give me this time. To have 4 days where I know no one. Where literally everyone's a counselor so they don't question my occasional uncontrollable crying during worship, when I'm reminded of God's promises and work. Where the resources on grief, suffering, hardship (and God's goodness in the midst of it) are literally everywhere. I'm so, so, so thankful for these several days away, to reorient myself with the Father's deep love. Deep commitment to wipe every tear. Make everything right. To remember that we're told that there will be serious disappointments and longings in life that won't be right until heaven. To be free to ache with faith and hope...without feeling any need to pretend I've got it together.

Who'd have thunk, several months ago when I planned to be here, how much I would need it.

Well, God did. The last several weeks have been so strange and hard. And yet, there have continually been situations that I can't question are ways He's shown me his love in the midst of it. Please pray while I'm here that I'll see him. Worship him. Delight in him and find resilience myself.

tomorrow is my birthday

2009-11-18T22:27:00.002-05:00

okay, that's a blatant lie. But, it worked last time. Remember when I blogged about how my birthday was coming up...and then the day before my birthday, on a Saturday, we got our approval? Figured it couldn't hurt to try :)

SO...court dates and travel dates are getting planned for our friends who got their referrals last week. I continue to rejoice with them...with a bit of jealousy mixed in. It would probably be unhealthy if I wasn't at least a little jealous or bummed, right? So, there I said it; I wouldn't want to lie twice in one post: I'm not just 100% happy for my friends; I'm jealous too.

Hoping and praying for our referral soon so we can still pick up our little one before Christmas.
Love to you all!

Advent conspiracy.

2009-11-18T13:01:00.002-05:00

I love this.
Last year someone gave our family the idea of only giving 3 gifts to our kids (Jesus received 3, thus the meaning behind the number...seems like our kids should get fewer than Jesus, but ya know.) Anyway, we're excited for this tradition to be a part of our family.

Check out this 2 min video about how to better enjoy Christmas this year:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU

(If you want an idea of who to give to... HOPE International is wonderful! They provide microloans to vulnerable populations around the world to help them create small businesses to provide for the needs of their family. www.hopeinternational.org)

working hard in Rwanda

2009-11-17T07:21:00.002-05:00

Some of you may be curious about how all this work gets done on our behalf in Rwanda. Well, we have a fabulous Power of Attorney who does tons for us both before we arrive to finalize the adoption and while we're there.

Can you imagine having to work with someone as emotional as me...over and over and over again? Actually, I think I've probably been one of the more over-the-top moms throughout this process (impatient, anxious and emotional are my new norms, I promise, and hopefully they'll go be gone soon). Anyway, it takes a really special, patient and gracious person to handle all these details. And we have just that. I'm really looking forward to meeting her in a short while and hope she (and plenty of my friends here too) will be able to forgive all my out of control behavior to date.

Thanks for all your hard work. Your work is so critical and we're so thankful for you.

praying for this week!!

2009-11-16T12:57:00.004-05:00

Friends:
I'm praying that we'll get our referral this week because it seems like if we get it this week (or maybe next week...though not quite as likely) that we may still be able to pick our kiddo up before Christmas. !!! I am REALLY REALLY hoping and praying that we'll get to be together as a family at Christmas this year. I know we can wait...I am just hoping that's not what will happen!

I'm totally sympathetic about the many responsibilities the MIGEPROF has...and am just hoping and praying that time will open up so they'll be able to send us info on our kid! It makes me so excited to know that the info is there...just needing time and a signature to send to us!!!

I'm also praying for the other 8 families who just got their referrals. Some of them need complete info before they can accept their referral and proceed...so pray that they'll get that info ASAP. Others need to get court dates to have it fully declared that their children are indeed their's forever. Please pray for them as well that their documents and court dates will move quickly and correctly. Pray for the Dorbands (who I'm completely jealous of) who are leaving next week to pick up their kids. Pray for the nuns who, by all accounts, are completely amazing at loving these children. And pray for the MIGEPROF that their work will be encouraging and fulfilling for them...and, of course, that they'll be able to send us all this info!
Thanks friends.

a request for prayer?

2009-11-13T20:12:00.002-05:00

Hey friends...I was wondering if I could ask you all to pray a particular verse for our child as we wait for him/her? I might change it up every once in a while (maybe every few weeks?) You obviously can pray however you feel comfortable, but if you're interested in but unsure how it works to pray a verse for someone, you can do it by simply reading the words and thinking of our child understanding God's love that is promised in the verse, or picturing God literally soothing them with the words. Picture being next to our child or holding them and saying the words to them...the difference is we're just asking God to speak the words to him/her since they can't hear our voice. As I read the words I picture God literally holding our child shhhing him/her when they're frightened or sad the way I imagine I'll hold him/her when they feel that way..."he will quiet you with his love."

Zephaniah 3: 17:

"The LORD our God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
The LORD will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you."

I have felt your prayers this past week. I've been more acutely aware of my need of prayer and community these past few weeks and I'm so grateful for the ways you've walked alongside me.

hooray!

2009-11-13T08:34:00.003-05:00

Well...all of our friends (the 8 other families we knew who were approved) received their referrals this week! We're so excited for them. I guess we're next! :)

The Ministry (that approves everything for adoption) had a super busy week this week, with several events and meetings advocating for children in Rwanda. Adoption approval is only one small part of their job, so while we hope our referral is on their priority list soon, we understand that they are always advocating and caring for children and can't always have their full attention on finalizing adoptions. I'm not sure what next week holds for them but of course I'd love it if it includes sending us our referral! Hunter and I will be apart on Thursday and Friday so we're hoping it will be before that...but of course we'll be excited whatever day it gets here. Trying to imagine opening it in different places (not great)...but trying to imagine waiting a few days with it in my inbox...not possible probably.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

hoping and praying for the Furrs

2009-11-12T19:18:00.002-05:00

I'm so excited for my friend, Rebecca, who (unless something goes wrong) will get to see her daughter's face for the first time sometime in the middle of the night! I'm SO SO SO excited for her. can't imagine sleep...but praying somehow there will be peace and rest for her and her hubby.

another update...

2009-11-11T14:21:00.005-05:00

Well, we heard that our referral will likely take a little bit more time (2 weeks perhaps). We knew it was possible we wouldn't get ours at the exact same time as this group did, since our approval was a few weeks after theirs...but we were hoping. As you can tell, this week was a pretty emotional one but receiving this news has actually been okay. Anyway, it is almost certain it will be at least next week but probably the week after before we hear/see something. I'm praying that we'll hear before Thanksgiving!!! It will be so amazing and good when we'll get to see our child's face!

In the mean time, we're continue to rejoice with our friends who have received their referrals and praying they'll be able to get their kiddos by the end of the year.

an apology...

2009-11-11T08:03:00.006-05:00

Hey friends...
So, as any of you who read our blog last week could tell, I was a mess. I wanted so desperately to be understood, to have people care more deeply about our kid and about kids who are in tough situations. I wanted people to be wrecked like I was about how hard this world can be. I don't think that's all bad.

Upon further reflection and with the help of some friends, though, I realize that while some of my motives were good (it is good to have our knowledge of the world and God expanded), I also sense my desperate need for your collective nod of approval. I want other people to affirm me by doing the same things I do...even if perhaps that's not the journey to which God has called them. I don't just want people to adopt, I want them to adopt from Rwanda. I don't just want people to care about God, I want them to talk about it and live it out the way I do. I'm looking to you all to justify what we're doing...instead of God being enough.

I'm sorry I'm not very good at affirming differences in people and the ways we were all made. I will try to live out the things God has shown me, called my family to...without being so excited that I make you feel like you have to do it too. I'll try not to be so alienating and harsh.

I'm stealing this from someone I don't know who wrote this on her blog--I thought it was GREAT!:

...here is my (adoption related) pet peeve of the day: adoption superiority.

What is that, you may ask?

Well... basically, when we ventured out into this territory - I thought it was one big happy family. The Adoption Community. We are one in the bonds of love, and all that jazz. Ummmm.... NO. It's more like Adoption High School.

Remember High School? Sure you do... jocks, nerds, goths, skaters, cheerleaders, preps, richie rich, star wars freaks, etc, etc, etc.Well... transpose those "categories" to the adoption world and you have:

Domestic VS. International...
Foster/Adopt VS. Infant program...
Independent Adoption VS Agency Program...
Waiting Child VS. Infant...
Special Needs VS Non-special needs...
Sibling Group VS One Child...

There is this sort of hierarchy of adopting parents - those who have adopted multiple times or multiple children are at the top - the jocks and cheerleaders of the community. Let me also say that I don't think EVERY person is called to adopt PERSONALLY. I think that there are family situations that would not make this possible and not every person could handle a child much less more than one. I do feel that as Christians, we are called to care for widows and orphans. Church bodies are supposed to lead the way and help those who are called - allowing them to fund-raise, helping them along, lending a hand in some way. But there is this whole segment of the adoption community - the "holier than thou's" - who think that if you can't adopt for some reason, or just don't feel called to personally adopt - that you are less of a human for it. You are somehow going against the Lord's will for your life if you do not adopt. See Ephesians 4:11-12 for clarification of the way God designed His church to function. If God places adoption on your heart, you are in SIN not to do it. If you do not feel called to adopt - - I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are called to some other purpose that is just as important to His heart. We all are. If everyone were 110% focused on adoption - who would care for the elderly in nursing homes? Who would work at the soup kitchens? Who would rake leaves for the disabled this fall? Who would drive their neighbor to the doctor's office? There are many ways that we are to be Jesus' hands and feet - we can't all be the arm or the ankle. All are equally important. (Even if you do feel like the appendix in the Body of Christ... find your purpose!)

God forbid I ever look down on another family because they are adopting from a country I don't feel called to.
I hope I never criticize anyone for adopting one child while a sibling group waits.
I hope I never become the "high and mighty" or the "know-it-all" who second guesses motives and choices a family is making.
I hope I only uplift and encourage those who feel called to this often-times-not-fun process!

a quick update

2009-11-10T16:44:00.007-05:00

Hey friends, since I know everyone will want to know about when we'll hear something...I figured I'd give you as much information as I have:

the Ministry of Gender and Family Promotion in Kigali processes all the documentation regarding adoption. They're really, really careful about the process (from start to finish)...which is critical to protect children. Although of course it is hard for all of us to wait, I really respect the manner in which they process the paperwork and I'm thankful for it.
Our referral (information about our chosen child) is now at the office awaiting approval, signature and scanning. Then we'll get to see who our child is and what their name is. Then we'll get medical information and anything else they have recorded about the child's life. I'm so eager for this moment!!!!
Once we approve our referral, our Power of Attorney will start working on getting us a court date. I'll write more about that POWERFUL moment when our child will become a Thompson. Ah! So excited.
Then we'll travel to Rwanda to pick up our kiddo. As many of you know, Hunter and I have been to Rwanda before and LOVE it. We can't wait to be back. And this time will be even sweeter.

I promise, we'll let you know pretty much as soon as we hear anything!!! We're so excited!!!

we rejoice with our friends!

2009-11-10T13:26:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to confirm for you all that we have NOT gotten our referral yet, but a LOT of our friends have!! :) Check out the blogs on the left side of the page. We are SOOOOOO excited to hear about their amazing news. The nine families waiting for referrals (4 of which are still waiting for news) are on an email chain so we've known about each other's referrals moments (or a couple of hours if necessary) after they find out.

We're eager, hopeful, and longing for ours (not bitter or devastated at all)...and ecstatic for the other families. Pray that each of the rest of the families' referrals will come tomorrow.

Thanks so much friends.

Sigh.

2009-11-05T13:07:00.004-05:00

Well, word on the street (for more info, check my friends' blogs) is that we're probably not going to hear tomorrow now. I just ache so badly to know about our kid that I want to jump on a plane and move into the orphanage. Permanently.

I know it is hard to understand why this hurts so much, why we're so impatient, how or why this is different and more heart-wrenching than physically laboring a child; I know it is hard to interact with someone who is so clearly emotional and grieving... it is a lonely place, friends. I promise, I'm not trying to be so emotional. I'm not trying to distance myself. I just don't know what to do when it hurts so much. This is new for me too. Thanks for bearing with me.

butterflies

2009-11-05T08:01:00.003-05:00

I thought about naming my subject line "I feel like I'm going to vomit" but reconsidered since a) that's kind of gross language, and b) I didn't want to alarm anyone (either that something is wrong with the adoption process or that I have swine flu and people will avoid me for no reason).

It is the "feel like I'm going to vomit" feeling I get when I'm so nervous and excited I don't know what to do with myself. It was how I felt every first basketball game of the year (this is times 50, though). Yes, dad and Jonna, it was that very feeling that inevitably led to me dribbling the ball off my leg the first possession and to get into foul trouble in the first half. Thanks for reminding me.

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited and hopeful that we're going to get our referral. It is okay if we don't, but my stomach is going to do belly flops until we do. probably until they're home. pray hard today friends!!!

happy six months home Myles!

2009-11-04T14:59:00.003-05:00

Please revisit my friends' blog to rejoice with them for having Myles at home for six months! Myles lived in the same orphanage with our child before the Greers carried him home in the spring. We've continued to receive encouragement and love from them.
www.milestomyles.blogspot.com

for the record

2009-11-04T08:12:00.004-05:00

If/when Friday comes and goes without news, if/when next week comes and goes without any news, if December comes and goes without news...it will be okay.

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness..."

and

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well...with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul."

The surpassing greatness of knowing Christ and being found in him mysteriously makes painfully waiting okay. It makes my hope not dependent on circumstances. Grateful to you, Katie, Karen and Carly.

this is the word...

2009-11-03T20:03:00.004-05:00

Hey friends, well, through the grapevine of the families awaiting referrals (there are 9 of us in constant contact with one another via email), it looks like the person in charge of sending out the referrals is hoping to to have them to us by FRIDAY!

Crazy to think we could know our little one this weekend. Know their sweet little face. Know what their eyes look like. Know some of their story. I kind of can't believe it!

In the meantime, while we're busy going crazy hoping to find out news, our child is laying in his/her little crib, waiting for their family, without understanding what's about to happen. I can't describe the anticipation and aching that accompanies this process. Our hearts are FULL of love for this little one and I constantly feel like I'm going to burst if I don't get there soon.

Lucy and I are trying to fill our days with fun activities (to get me out of the house to fully embrace life with her so I don't just wish days away after we haven't heard anything). We had a great day today and she's such a fun, wonderful kid...I would hate to miss out on these days wtih her. If anyone has a fun idea, let me know!

please oh please oh please

2009-11-01T19:27:00.005-05:00

Well, we're praying like crazy that this is the week we'll get our referral. Even Lucy asked to pray for her brother-sister multiple times tonight. (Yes, that was actually just a bedtime delay move...not spiritual maturity. I'm not that naive.)

This waiting is so hard. And I'm struggling. I want God to teach me all the lessons He wants to teach me: patience, perseverance, brokeness and trust being high on the list. And I'm SO thankful for the ways God is opening my eyes more to His love as we painfully wait for word from Rwanda.

Either way, I've started praying that our child will be resilient about their adoption. That if/when they think about their circumstances, which they likely won't remember, they'll somehow thank God for allowing them to enter the brokenness of this world, the way He chose to enter into the brokenness, and proclaim God's goodness and the coming of a different, lasting, orphan-less, joy-filled home (the Kingdom of God). I can't and won't speak for our kid, because I haven't gone through what they're going through...but I will pray that God will keep their heart soft towards Him and give him/her a strong sense of identity and faith.

So, instead of spending too much time trying to figure out all these confusing, mysterious things, I'll try to remember that this is a broken, broken world...and that God is going to redeem it. And, all of His children should anticipate participating in the sufferings of Christ...so some of these moments are my family's walk into suffering. Not all by choice (neither of our children are choosing their roles), but we're participating in it together nonetheless and I pray Jesus will strengthen each of us.

Anyway, before I go on too long about the things I'm sorting through, please pray for these kids. That they'll all know God's deep, deep love for them. That they'll have their feet set on a rock, with solid footing of faith and identity for their lives. I don't know how I'm ever going to adequately thank the women caring for our children right now. Can you imagine someone else raising your child in your place? What a vital role! Please pray for them too...that God will give them everything they need to lovingly raise these children. That their food resources will be multiplied to miraculously and nutritiously fill bellies. That their patience will be multiplied as there is never a dull moment with so many kids. That they would have maternal instincts about illnesses and would be able to secure adequate medical treatment. That they would have their knowledge of and love for Jesus increased as they love His children. Pray that the Minister will feel compelled and obliged to approve and send the referrals this week. And pray that all 12 families will receive and pass court dates in November (since courts are closed all of December). Finally, pray that God will continue to show us more about who He is and how He works while we wait on Him.

stinkin Lucy

2009-10-30T11:46:00.004-04:00

conversation with Lucy a few minutes ago. "Luce, you wanna pray for brother-sister." "yeah...he's sad." "why do you think he's sad, Luce?" "he's cryin. he wants his mommy."

gulp.

his mommy wants him too. so much.

I ache

2009-10-28T08:10:00.003-04:00

I have nothing more to say other than I ache for our child. Lots and lots of tears this week, especially on Sunday during a baptism...I completely fell apart when our congregation sang "Jesus Loves You" as they walked her around the room--so beautiful, but so so hard as we wait. Then we sang a song that mentions that before there was time, God planned all our days (which alludes to verses in Ephesians that talk about adoption) and then later in the song how God knows the number of hairs on our head...how before we were made, God searched us and knew us (which of course is comforting and true...but I want to know some of those things about our kiddo's life too. I know God loves our child, and I trust Him...but I struggle (and I should) as I long to be with him/her.) Then, finally, our pastor started his sermon with a story about how in order to whisper to someone, you have to be close to him. Of course Clint didn't know that one of my consistent prayers for this little one is that someone else would be whispering we're coming, that they're deeply loved and cherished...since we cannot. So, I cried and cried. and then avoided people because I don't know how to engage right now.

I love you little one. I don't go 15 minutes without thinking of you and aching for you. I pray God will knit our family's hearts together closely as we wait to be together. I pray you'll know how deeply loved you are today, by your Savior and by your family. We are coming. and until we're there we are aching to see you.

I love this family

2009-10-22T20:36:00.008-04:00

to read the actual post...and to be encouraged, challenged and spurred on to love Jesus more, go here: http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

Full Circle

Almost three years ago, I walked into an orphanage in Jinja, Uganda and fell in love with the sickest baby girl I had ever seen (of course, I just didn't know what my life was going to be like...) Her name is Josephine. At a year old she could not hold up her own head or roll over, still had no teeth and was the size of a 2 month old. Mom and I took turns holding her and carrying her all over Jinja. When she was sick, we took her to the hospital and spent evenings holding her while nurses poked and prodded. I sang her to sleep. I cried when she cried. I begged the Lord that she wouldn't die. I went home with Josephine still in my heart and spent counless hours thinking and praying about her.

I watched her grow through other volunteers' pictures on facebook and was so thankful for Julie whose heart had also been stolen by this sweet girl. When I moved back to Uganda seven months later the first thing I did was scoop sweet Josephine, now able to sit up by herself, into my arms. She was still small, still had the same sweet smile, still held my heart. I was working pretty far from Jinja, teaching Kindergarten, but would sneak away in the afternoons to get back to the orphanage and hold little Josephine as often as I could. I would sneak her bananas a give her baths. I prayed and prayed and prayed that her forever family would come soon to take her home. She was happy, but she wasn't growing fast enough, she wasn't developing like the other children, and it was completely out of my power to do anything for her but continue to pray and love on her as much as I could.

10 months ago I sat in my new-found bestest friend Suzanne's house and she mentioned to me that if she ever had another baby girl, she would name her Josie Love. My heart lept. JOSEPHINE. I instantly stole her computer and showed her every picture I had of this precious little girl, talking too fast about what it would be like if Suzanne could bring her home. She looked at me as if I might be nuts and laughed but I left feeling like, just MAYBE, a seed had been planted.

7 months ago, Suzanne, Mike, and their two oldest children, along with some others came to visit. Of course the first thing I wanted to do was take them over to Jinja to meet sweet Josephine, who I of course had started referring to as Josie Love. The Mayernicks had been seriously praying about making her part of their family, but were unsure of what all her special needs may entail. But sweet Josie had done it again, she stole their hearts as well. Not long after they returned home, I got an excited phone call from Suzanne announcing that they felt that God was asking them to make Josie a Mayernick. I watch as their fears and uncertainties turned into excitement and joy. I continued to visit Josie at the orphanage whenever I could, but now I could whisper to her, "They are coming. Your Mommy and Daddy are coming to get you." My heart was full of joy.

Last month, Mike and Suzanne came to pick up their sweet baby girl. In a rountine medical exam that takes place before and child goes to the US, sweet Josie Love tested positive for HIV and TB. As I thought back over the time I had known her, it seemed all too obvious. Yet when she tested negative at 5 months, no one ever thought to re-test her. My heart nearly broke in half for this sweet baby girl and for my devestated friends. If you have ever wondered what it looks like to truly follow the call of the Lord, to truly TRUST God, I invite you to meet the Mayernicks. I was blown away, and truly challenged and encouraged as I watched them process and decide to take Josie HOME, regardless of her condition.
Today Josephine is standing up, holding onto my knees, unaware that I am typing about her on my computer. She is singing and grinning that big grin, the same one that looked up at me three years ago, although now it is full of teeth. Josephine is staying with our family for a bit, while Mike and Suzanne finish some things in the US and we treat her here for TB.

As I look at her happy little face I am marveling at God's goodness, His plans that are greater than anything I could have ever imagined. This sweet baby girl who I fell in love with years ago is going home to live with two of my favorite people in the world. She will grow up down the street from my mom who loves her to pieces and she will live near one of the best children's hospitals in the nation... my words are failing me. I can't even convey how beautiful it all is.
We are priviledge to have a few weeks or a few months to love on Josie Love Mayernick, priviledged to have her family walking life with us, priviledged to watch the Hand of God move in these magnificent ways that only He can. We appreciate your prayers as we take on a few more sleepless nights, a lot more dirty diapers, and an abundance of joy.

Mike and Suzanne, I love you. Your baby girl loves you. Thank you for being the example you are to me, thank you for all you do for Amazima and my family, thank you for loving Jesus.
Jesus, thank you. I don't have enough words. You could do it all by yourself, and you choose to include little me. I am so humbled and so grateful. You knit our stories together so perfectly. Thank you for your perfect plan for Josie, thank you for allowing me to witness it, to be a part of it. Thank you for your love for this precious one.

so...

2009-10-21T23:28:00.003-04:00

In addition to feeling so sad about the state of the broken world (like 9/10 of our blog...sorry), I'm also unbelievably excited. I mean, tomorrow we might know who our kid is! We might see his/her picture. We might know their name. Who knows when that day will come (please, oh please, oh please, be tomorrow)...but until then:

I can barely breathe.
My stomach is in knots (like Christmas Eve excitement)
My emotions are unpredictable
My house is a wreck. wait, can't blame that one on the adoption. dang it.

We are so so so so eager to have you in our family. We can't wait to snuggle with you in our rocking chair. We can't wait to whisper all the things we've been praying others are whispering to you in our absence. We can't wait to watch Lucy and you play together. We just can't wait to know you. To love you and be loved by you.

this ache isn't going away

2009-10-21T12:03:00.002-04:00

We spent time with Matt, our friend who was in Rwanda last week, and his wife, Kellie, for dinner last night to talk about his trip. Why don't I think about how painful these conversations are going to be?!

He was so gracious in remembering and sharing every detail of his time at Home of Hope (the orphanage from which we'll be adopting). But, of course, the details and reality for these children made all of us cry at the table. Yes, all four of us were crying. (Sorry...I can't/won't share more on the blog.)

We cried for our child, yes. But, the ache we feel isn't going away when this kiddo comes home. Our lives will be fuller, richer (perhaps harder, too) and this child's life will be radically different than it would be otherwise (mostly for good...but international adoption is a broken/imperfect answer to a broken world)...but even if everything goes perfectly for our family, there is still SO much brokenness, sadness, injustice and pain in the world. In that orphanage. In this neighborhood. In your life. And our aching isn't going to go away until Jesus comes back and fixes it ALL, as promised. I'm so thankful we're given a picture of what that will look like:

Revelation 21
The New Jerusalem Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Thank you, Jesus, that you came to abolish death, suffering, mourning. Thank you that you ache just like we do. Thank you that you promise to wipe every tear. Just so you know, there are going to be lots, lots more tears from me.

thanks for walking this journey with us

2009-10-16T13:46:00.008-04:00

I just want to say thank you to all of you who are walking this journey with us. There have been so many wonderful, kind, generous comments and actions over the last year as we've walked this road to our child. We're so close! I just wanted to mention a few recent wonderful things (and look back on a few) to say thanks so much for the support:

My dad wants to come with us to pick-up our little one! How cool is that?! It means the world to me that he might get to spend some time where his grandchild lived.
Hunter's parents are going to take care of Lucy for a good chunk of the time we're gone. So will several of you :) (sorry I didn't ask and confirm all that yet). It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to go get a child too. So, thanks so much for helping out with our other little one while we're away.
My aunt Sandy gave us a card congratulating us on our adoption approval and a beautiful engraved cross that says "For this child I have prayed" 1 Samuel 1:27. I almost held it together.
My sister KayLeigh and her boyfriend Neil gave us a book about the Babies of the World. Each page has 2 adorable babies from various countries. On the last page it has a Rwandan child (obviously our favorite page) Lucy calls the book her brother-sister book :). They also gave us an African cd (so good!) and this really cool wall hanging for the kids' room

One of our best friends, Carly, pretty much tells me every day how much she loves our kid and how she can't wait until they're home.
Friends of ours have offered to give us their MANY frequent flyer miles to use for our trip. We're not exactly sure if we'll be able to do it (since our travel plans will probably be complicated with the need to adjust last minute) but we are so thankful for the extremely generous and thoughtful offer! We love how many people are using their gifts, creativity and treasures to welcome this child into our home!
Remember the Yard Sale?! So much time and effort by friends and so much money raised to help us and to donate to the orphanage!!!
One of our best friends here is going to come over and help me get the room ready. Once the room is ready I'm probably going to become an (even more frequent) emotional wreck. Well, I know one person is going to help already...but I'm probably going to ask for more help. I'm not so good at home organization stuff.
Every single comment or note we've received about our child makes my day. Seriously. I know it is awkward or weird trying to connect to a kid that's so far away, but all the efforts mean the world to us. It is pretty much a guarantee that I'll cry if you ask me about or talk about our child or tell me you've prayed for him/her. Thanks for including him/her in your life already!
2 of our best (yes, best) friends in Richmond want to throw a party to celebrate this little one. We're leaning towards a sort of last minute referral party (where we'll keep everything a secret until the party and then share pictures, name, etc.) Yes, I know, the chances of me being able to keep ANYTHING a secret are really slim...but I can try! We've thought about gifts for the orphanage instead of our kiddo... but we're not sure about the best things to donate, etc. If anyone has any ideas of what to do--let us know!
God gave us our Rwandan approval the day before my birthday. On a Saturday no less! It was such a surprise and then I got to spend the morning with lots of great friends. It was one of the best days of my life. No exaggeration.

Thanks again to each of you who have loved us and walked this with us. I know we're going to get really busy soon with final preparations and I don't want to miss a chance to thank you and recount some of God's many blessings along this road. We're so, so grateful for each of you and we can't wait to introduce you to our sweet child.

where's your brother or sister live?

2009-10-14T19:07:00.002-04:00

Today we were talking about where everyone lives. The conversation went like this:

me: "Lucy, where do Mimi and Granddaddy live?"
Lucy: "Washington, D.C."

me: "Lucy where do you live?"
Lucy: "Richmond"

me: "Where do I live?"
Lucy: "Richmond"

KK (my sister): "Lucy, where does your brother or sister live?"
Lucy: "too far away."
me: (crying)

When we ask that question, we've taught her to say "Rwanda", which usually sounds like dawanda or Dejuan (our neighbor)..but we've never told her to say "too far away." oh, boy. I about lost it.

a friend visits Home of Hope

2009-10-12T21:52:00.002-04:00

Our associate pastor (and friend) is in Rwanda right now and over the weekend was able to visit Home of Hope, the orphanage where our child is living. It means the world to us that he was willing and able to go. We're probably somewhere around a month from knowing who our child is, but we're all but certain our child was there, with Matt, as he walked the grounds. We can't wait to hear more details from him about his visit. We will always have a special, different friendship with Matt now since he's been there. We're so, so grateful we can share that with someone here in Richmond.

We're hoping and praying we'll be a part of the referrals that are coming out (likely next week). If you want to find out more about that, click on any of the blogs of our friends on the left side of the screen. The gist is that the head nun at the orphanage has a meeting on Friday with the government official who must approve all the referrals. Apparently she has about 12 families' referrals prepared, which is why we're hopeful we're included. 12 is a lot, right?! Oh to see our little one's face. To know his/her name. To be closer to bringing him/her home. Sigh. We love you so much. So so much.

APPROVAL Approval Approval!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-11T14:16:00.001-04:00

dude, where you been? this happened, like so a month ago.
I didn't have anything important to say or update so I thought I'd just relive that wonderful day.
:)

identification even with abandonment

2009-10-08T19:29:00.004-04:00

When I've gone through some hard things in life, good friends have reminded me and comforted me that because Jesus walked the earth as fully human, he entered into the same kinds of brokenness I experience. He identifies with my struggles. He understands. I am deeply comforted knowing that I'm not alone in my aches, that Jesus faithfully endured them...and, in fact he endured much more than me.

Then, we're told in 2 Corinthians 1, that one of the great things about enduring hardships is that we, then, can comfort those who go through the same troubles.

As I was thinking about our child, aching and racking my brain about how I won't be able to relate to many of their sources of brokenness, I sort of suddenly realized: what an unbelievable, matchless, glorious, suffering Savior! Jesus, son of God, was abandoned by His father. ("My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?") Jesus knows the depth of the pain of being abandoned...not just by His father...but by the Creator of the world.

Perhaps our child will be resilient. Perhaps they will easily know that he/she was not abandoned for lack of love or because of something he/she did. Perhaps he/she will not struggle to believe they are loved. But no matter what, I now know that Jesus has earned credibility in their sorrow. Jesus can identify with them and I can point my child(ren) to Him to comfort them in their pain. I'm so, so thankful.

our approval/non objection letter

2009-10-07T08:50:00.005-04:00

Thought some of you might be curious about the content of our approval letter (picture above). Here's the situation, we've been told approximately two months after our approval, we'll receive our referral (when we'll know who our child is and all the details available on him/her). So, that's somewhere right around Thanksgiving. Could be sooner...could be later. We'll see! We're so so thankful for this enormous privilege and blessing!

Things in our home have been a bit CRAZY lately (even for us) with lots of things up in the air... pray we'll have peace, perspective and wisdom moving forward.

happy 1st birthday little one

2009-10-01T16:14:00.003-04:00

We don't know that today is our child's birthday, but we've requested a child who is born after October 1, 2008...and we hope that the child will be in the older part of that range, since we've understood the likelihood of being adopted goes down the older you get. We just want to keep Lucy the oldest, and otherwise we're game. Anyway, I was studying up on my Kinyarwanda (local language in Rwanda) and came across how you say "Happy Birthday" and it occurred to me that if they go with the upper end of our age range, we're about to miss our child's first birthday. Sad.

Isabukuru nziza y'amavuko umwana wanjye. (Happy Birthday, my child)
Turajye. (We are coming)
Nda gukunda (I love you)

thinking about what it will be like...

2009-09-24T22:50:00.004-04:00

Some days I get so excited to pick up our kid (okay, that's a major understatement. Every day, like 50 times a day I get so excited to pick up our kid.)...but it is a mixed bag. When I'm honest and thinking not just about my joy in getting this kid, I feel really, really sad and scared about what they're about to go through (and what we're about to put them through). I absolutely think having this kiddo join our family is better than having this child raised in an orphanage. From what I hear, the sisters (nuns) who care of our kids do an incredible job with their limited resources (people and otherwise)...but I believe strongly that a family is a better option for children. The nuns feel that way too...they've commented to each of our friends who've adopted from Rwanda to please encourage families to adopt. The need is overwhelming and the option of a family is so much better for these kids.

Anyway, I am obviously so excited to meet our sweet child, to hold him/her, to tell him/her how much I love them. How I've longed to meet them. I can't wait to squeeze him/her super tight every single time I put em down and give em a big smooch on the cheek (the way I still do with Lucy pretty much everytime I put her down). But I'm aware of how shocking this is going to feel for our child. How too soon, too fast it might feel. How foreign and perhaps even a bit inappropriate (to them) it might seem. I just read this creative article about some emotions our child may go through as they leave every single person in the world they know and it made me so sad to know our child is going to go through this trauma. Removing a child from the only world they've ever known (and the only people they've ever known) seems so overwhelming. It almost feels unloving. But, of course, it isn't... it is just a tragically broken world where there aren't perfect, easy solutions. We will likely have to work hard and consistently to help our child trust us, to understand we are their loving parents and not just the next in line to care for them short term. (Just so you know, before you read the article, our child will not have a transition home like is described in the analogy.)

http://voicesofadoption.rainbowkids.com/ExpertArticleDetails.aspx?id=49&title=A Different Perspective

Please pray for our child, even now, that our embraces will feel somehow comfortable, comforting and normal...even though they haven't met us before. That the transition will be smooth--not just for Hunter, Lucy and me--but especially for our child. Pray for their emotional health during the confusion of the first several months. Pray for us, that we'll have the grace we need each day to handle what God brings.

Since I'm apt to comparing adoption to pregnancy...let's remind ourselves that it is pretty traumatizing for a kid to go through the birth canal as well. I mean TRAUMATIZING. I'm just sayin. Hunter, I promise I won't scream as much while laboring #2.

the nuns choosing our child

2009-09-21T07:49:00.003-04:00

Probably this week or next week the nuns at Mother Teresa's orphanage in Kigali, Rwanda will be selecting our child...whom we believe God has known forever. After all, he knit him/her together in his mother's womb (while knitting him/her in my heart).

Please pray for the nuns who will select our child, that they'll "just know". This is the one. That the medical tests would be run successfully and quickly and that our paperwork will get on the Minister's desk ASAP.

A deep exhaustion has finally hit me. I'm so thankful and relieved we got our approval and I think the next few days will feel very different than before. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be longing and aching for our child, but I'm not as guarded or nervous about my joy or excitement with 'what if we get denied' thoughts.

Please pray for the really incredible role these nuns play in our child's life. I've been told that they work so hard and are so loving and gentle with our kids...that they prepare them to have families. They do all they can with what they have, to love and care for our kids. I'm forever grateful.

Thanks again for journeying with us. We feel so loved and supported. We can't wait for you to meet our next precious child.

APPROVAL Approval Approval!!!!!!!!!

2009-09-19T14:26:00.003-04:00

Yes, I mean it. Can you believe my SHOCK AND SURPRISE when I checked my email this morning and had one telling me of our APPROVAL?!?!

This is literally the best birthday ever. I've been glowing all day long. I just can't believe it. I'm so so so so thankful.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Thanks to all of you who've loved and supported us so well through this. Count down for referral (when we'll know gender/age, story, get pictures, etc.) Pray for the nuns who will select our kid in the next couple of weeks. We'll hear something within two months...probably closer to the two month marker.

This is me. Still in shock. wooo hooooooo!

Dear wonderful government officials in Rwanda:

2009-09-17T14:56:00.002-04:00

Ahem. Did you know it is my birthday on Sunday? Hint, hint.
I'm just sayin.

it's not you it's me

2009-09-15T16:02:00.004-04:00

I'm sorry I've been MIA for a while. Those of you who have been pregnant before know what it feels like the last several weeks of pregnancy when "it could happen at any minute." People are always calling, wondering...they're totally kind, supportive and well intentioned... but you know what I'm getting at. You consider avoiding pretty much any gatherings of people to dodge the looks and the question: "you still haven't had that baby?" Nope...as you can see...I still haven't had that baby. (What do you think was the first clue for them?)

And then for the pregnant mama, (especially with #1 I bet), you're Googling like crazy or talking to other moms about all the symptoms you're feeling: "left eye hurts" "labor"; "back pain, splotchy skin, labor". And so on. Every little change in the way your body feels makes you feel like "this is it!" And then nothing. Well, I'm obsessing the same way with this one. I'm checking my email a lot, looking for any "symptoms" that news could be coming soon (mostly checking others blogs to see if they got their approval).

Anyway, that's what the last couple of weeks have been like. When we heard from the Rwandan government that we should be hearing of our approval soon...and now it has been a month. I'm not super frustrated, just ready. And actually, I'm really thankful for everyone who asks, prays and mentions their love and concern for our child to us. It makes my day and increases my love for you... but sometimes I'm a little at a loss about what to say in return. Nope, we haven't heard anything yet (blinking tears away). I'm so grateful you care though. Keep calling, texting, commenting...please just forgive me if I'm not as quick to respond.

Poem and prayer about waiting

2009-09-09T13:22:00.003-04:00

Friends of ours who helped jumpstart our Rwandan adoption, the Greers, were given a poem one year ago today. The poem was written by Peter's mother as a prayer for Myles, their Rwandan son. Today, friends presented their family with a song-- with the same poem as the lyrics (of course they had no idea until yesterday that it was one year ago TODAY that they received the poem as a gift. Here are the beautiful words:

"Little Myles, we think of you
With wonder, trust and longings too
As first sounds come to infant ears
May they be those that cast out fears.
May others hear your infant cries,
Oh Father, move, that none pass by,
May they wrap you in bunting, tight,
Singing softly, “It’s all right.”
Do you hear our faith-trust-sigh?
That soon dear Myles, you’ll come nigh?
Little one, what do you see ~
Mosquito net or leafy tree?
Oh God of lightness, bring the day,
Keep to him, darkness at bay.
Little one, what do you feel,
The touch of us, for this we kneel?
We pray for those who care for you,
So our embrace won’t seem so new.
Little one, our love grows strong,
This lullaby, our hopeful song.
We wait and watch with grateful hearts,
For you, this gift, which God imparts.
Do you hear our faith-trust-sigh
That soon dear Myles, you’ll come nigh?"

I ache.

our friends picking up their kids...and our trip to the Outer Banks

2009-09-08T19:18:00.002-04:00

No news for our family, but these 3 families are in Rwanda right now picking up their kiddos. Kara (Higgins) and I met in Kansas City several months back and have been praying for each other throughout this whole waiting period. I'm thrilled for their family...especially their newest additions, Zeke and Etienne!

www.higginsadoption.blogspot.com
www.limmerfamilyadventure.blogspot.com
www.lifechange.typepad.com

Hunter and I went away (to the Outer Banks) for our 5 year anniversary. We had a fabulous time and here's some of what we learned while we were away:

Macgyver is very much still on television...Hunter watched multiple episodes to prove it. Okay, we both watched multiple episodes.
Low(er) riding Honda Accords can drive through 6 inches of rain for 2 miles straight without dying within 9 hours.
"The sad truth is that we are like the Pharisees who loved the reputation for knowing God more than they loved God" C. John Miller. Ouch for me.
[Enter really sappy/personal comment about how much my love and respect for Hunter has grown in the past 5 years.]
It is a rebuilding year for Wake... tough loss on Saturday
Hunter's parents and our friend Carly are AMAZING. Lucy played with them while we were out of town and she had a blast. I think she's already bored now that I'm home.
We want our freaking approval. Not that we didn't know that before... I'm just sayin. I'm not mad, just ready!

Have a great week!

God is so good!!!!

2009-09-03T17:11:00.002-04:00

Sorry if your heart skipped a beat as you read the subject line. We did not get our approval today. I know...I'm a terrible friend for tricking you.

And, what's crazier is that, actually, I'm glad we didn't get our approval today. Okay, okay, I'm not actually glad...that's an overstatement, BUT, I'm thankful I have the chance to say this: God is good today. God was good yesterday. God is going to be good tomorrow. No matter what.

It would have been so easy for me to write lots of pitiful (but honest!) posts about longing...and then if/when approval day comes to say "God is so good!" That's like the whole Old Testament (and perhaps like my whole life). A bunch of whining and grumbling and then people perceive that God has given them what they need and want and they say "God is so good--we'll never question you again." And then they (I) do...over and over again.

This doesn't mean I'm going to pretend like I don't ache. Like I don't long every single day that God would quicken the day that our kid is home with us. We're certainly not supposed to act like things are just fine when in reality, our circumstances (or, in our case, our kid's circumstances) are objectively difficult. But, our joy is supposed to be based in something much deeper and unchanging. And today I feel it and I know that God deserves credit for it. Sorry for robbing Him of it for a while.

So, God is good, even if:

We don't get our approval this week, next week...or at all
Our treasured child comes home with permanent medical issues or Lucy, Hunter or I get sick with some kind of permanent medical issue
Our chosen child comes home with developmental delays
Our beloved child comes home and has attachment issues
Our family is ridiculed, stared at and looked down upon
Our child from Rwanda has identity issues because he/she lives in a family with white parents and a white sister
Lucy has emotional issues because people always make comments about our other, adorable African child and they don't even notice she's there (catch me on this one please!)

God is unchanging in His goodness. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good!

(Sorry again for tricking you)

happy weekend

2009-08-28T13:29:00.003-04:00

This is perhaps the first time I've been glad weekends are only 2 days. No news today. We're having a great time with my niece, Renee, though and Grandpa and Grandma sent Lucy's birthday present early: a trampoline for the backyard. It would be a drastic understatement to say she's thrilled. And, we just became the "coolest" hangout for toddlers. And 28-year olds.