Meeting Myles!

For those of you who are curious, YES, Myles is just as adorable in person as he is in pictures. If you haven't been following, Myles is my friends', the Greers, 3rd son (first from Rwanda) who came home 8 weeks ago.

I was up in Lancaster PA last week for work and the Greers invited Katie and me over for dinner. Myles goes to bed at 6ish (wow) so he was already asleep when I got there. I tried to hide my disappointment. While we were talking over dinner, Laurel (Myles' mom) said "Omigosh, you should just go run up there and wake him up". At first I thought this was a really sweet and special offer, but having a child who needs her sleep, I just couldn't accept. But then Peter (Myles' dad) assured me that Laurel actually wakes him up EVERY NIGHT. I love it. She is just so happy to have him home so she still wakes him every night. Anyway, of course I JUMPED at the opportunity and raced inside. I got to the bottom of the steps when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Myles probably lived in the same room as our kid. Myles was a glimpse of our coming child. and I completely lost it. I mean all out sobbing. I have no idea how I didn't anticipate this would be an emotional moment, but I guess I just didn't take time to think about it. So after "pulling myself together", I slowly made it up the rest of the steps and silently cried while I stared at him, touched his belly feeling him breathe and caressed his head. I ached for our child so deeply in that room that screamed of hope, joy and promises and longings fulfilled.

Coming back downstairs my blubbering mess continued and I was comforted by my friends. In all it was a wonderful night and conversation that left me longing and aching for our child.

I am but dust and ashes

I've been reading this book "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee". It has been refreshing and helpful regarding parenting issues, but it has challenged me in plenty of other areas of my life too.

The author mentions that there is a Hasidic teaching that says that everyone should walk around with two pieces of paper, one in your right pocket and one in your left. On the one sheet you should write “I am but dust and ashes” and on the other you should write “For my sake the world was created”. I would change the second statement to say something like “I was uniquely and purposefully made in God’s image” or “God sent His son to save me for ever and to transform me and the world for right now." But, the overall point of keeping both reminders with you is the same: so that when you’re tempted to take yourself too seriously, when you begin to think your role in the world is too important, when you think that God needs you instead of uses you, etc., it is time to pull out the paper that will remind you that you’re but dust and ashes. But, when you’re tempted to think God doesn’t love you, when you’re tempted to think that it doesn’t matter what you do with your life, that you’re nothing special, etc., then it is time to pull out the other.

As someone who arrogantly wants to change the world (and I usually think I can), it is appropriately humbling to read the true words that "I am like grass and will wither" (Isaiah 40), "I am dust" (Psalm 103) and "my days are a mere handbreath; the span of my years is as nothing before you" (Psalm 39). So, if you're like me and real resting is difficult (because obviously everything you do is SO important--from dishes to leading Bible study to work--and no one else will do it right), or if you tend to think your presence is not just helpful but critical...then I recommend you read those verses regularly.

However, if you struggle to believe that your life matters, or that you are deeply loved and God wants to use your life to bless the world in word and deed, please remember that you are wonderfully made in God's image (Genesis 1), God planned good works for you to do in advance (Ephesians 2) and there is nothing that can separate you from the love of God in Christ (Romans 8). "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich" (2 Corinthians 8)

So anyway, this isn't meant to be license to just spend your life on yourself OR to feel demoralized about what you can/can't accomplish, I'm just agreeing that we are always both dust and God's treasure... I just usually need to be corrected with the dust verses.

So, we're excited to adopt this child, we don't think we're going to save the world, but we're grateful God's going to transform us by showing us more of his love through this precious one.

Status Update

So, we're officially waiting.  Before we thought we were waiting, but there was still stuff to do and watch for (like to see if the Fedex package was delivered).  Now, we're really just waiting.  And, for me at least, the worst part about this waiting is that we don't know how long it will be.  With that said, hearing anything in the next six weeks would be wishful thinking at this point, so I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for an extended radio silence.  

The hard thing with this waiting is that it is much more painful than I expected.  Knowing that there is a kid that we could be caring for tomorrow is going to be stuck in his or her crib for a couple more months is pretty debilitating for me (which is saying a lot for a guy who experiences a relatively small set of emotions - and really I can only say "small set" if I'm allowed to count hunger and fatigue as emotions).

Current Stage: Waiting for "Approval" from the Ministry of Family and Gender Promotion in Kigali...to the best of our knowledge our Dossier is sitting in the office in the queue of files that are awaiting review and approval.  

Timeframe: The shortest we've heard of is 6 weeks - the longest is about 6 months.  Needless to say, we've been praying that we'd be on the shorter side. 

the hotel crib...

Hunter, Lucy and I had a great weekend at the beach with his family, but one hard reminder of our peanut waiting for us. We got into our hotel room and, having requested one, saw the crib in the corner of the room for Lucy. It is the closest thing I've seen in the US to an orphanage's crib. It was probably half the size of a standard one (which is still bigger than the ones in Rwanda). It just made me ache inside for our little one so far away. On the second day I mentioned it to Hunter and he said he'd noticed too but didn't want to say anything (I tend to be a bit of a mess lately).

We love you already and can't wait to have you home. We're trying our hardest and praying every day that the day will come soon.

our documents officially made it

Our forms were officially delivered. WOO HOO! We're now just waiting for approval. Pray with us that the Minister will review our file and rule favorably. Pray, for the sake of our child who is waiting for us, that she'll rule quickly. Here's some of Psalm 139 to remind me that God knows all of my (and my children's) needs:

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in--behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you."

It's official

No, we haven't been approved or anything awesome like that. What's official, then, you ask? It's official that I'm "that mom." I've always prided myself in being calm, cool, collected. I don't stress out over little or big things. Until now. And it is out of control. Good grief.

As Hunter already shared, it is embarrassing how many times we've tracked our FedEx package to see if it has been picked up yet. No less than 20 times per day. After I send an email to our family coordinator at our adoption agency I press "send/receive" incessantly until I get a reply.

I told her (Terra, our family coordinator) that I'm struggling with figuring out whether I'm 100% supposed to be learning patience through this process or whether I'm supposed to be learning what it means to be an effective advocate for my children. Anyone who knew us when Hunter's appendix burst several years ago will know that I'm not the most aggressive patient/advocate and sometimes, like in health care situations, it is really important and good to be pushy to make sure you're getting excellent care.

I'm not going to overanalyze the situation, but I'm certain I'm supposed to be feeling a little more peaceful during this process and I need to seek that out better. But I'm also convinced that I'm supposed to learn what it means to actively wait, pushing for things to go through so we can get our child home ASAP. Having to fight for our kid (not against anyone in particular) is also teaching me not to cling too tightly to a desired image of myself: really composed, unflappable, etc. Obviously I can swing too far the other way, but since my bent is to never push it, perhaps it is a little bit of growth for me if people think I'm being a little over aggressive.

In any case, I'll also be praying that we'll find comfort in these verses that Terra sent to me:
Isaiah 40:31 Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

Sigh

I want our kid. I want to hold them. To tell them how deeply loved they are. I want them 3 months ago. Sigh. I ache.