"actually, I'm feeling okay about it"

So, the weekend is here and we didn't hear news from Rwanda. Sigh. I feel like waiting (and aching while you wait) is a rite of passage for adoptive moms--similar to how some folks call labor a rite of passage). I shouldn't even consider what we've done "waiting" yet, since I know of much, much longer waits others have endured (and, I'll mention, have endured with greater hope, patience and perspective.) And, I know there is a LOT of waiting left to be done. Anyway.

I was thinking about how a few people asked me how I was doing today, having not heard anything from Rwanda. I told them (honestly, I thought), "actually, I'm feeling okay about it." And now that I'm by myself, I'm reviewing my day so far: I spent the first 5 hours (you know, starting at 4 am) pressing send/receive, cursing the daily emails I get at 4 and 5 in the morning (sorry John Stott) for intentionally tricking me into thinking I was getting "the email". Then at 9 I went to my friend Kelly's house for some hang out time with her and a bunch of other fun ladies and I completely burst into uncontrollable tears telling a really non-emotional story. I just couldn't pull it together. I'm not much of a crier, so that tells you how "actually, I'm feeling okay about it" I really am. Pathetic. I really didn't mean to act as if I was doing okay (I hate when I try to act like I have my life and emotions all put together--why is it so hard to admit I'm a mess?). This time, though, I just hadn't processed the disputing evidence...

Regarding why I'm not doing better with the wait, here's part of it. Peace is on offer. I know it and at some points I feel it. The sad thing is that I'd rather make jokes about how I'm impatient than do the hard work of becoming a patient person. I hope I don't choose that this weekend and next week again.