stinkin Lucy

conversation with Lucy a few minutes ago. "Luce, you wanna pray for brother-sister." "yeah...he's sad." "why do you think he's sad, Luce?" "he's cryin. he wants his mommy."

gulp.

his mommy wants him too. so much.

I ache

I have nothing more to say other than I ache for our child. Lots and lots of tears this week, especially on Sunday during a baptism...I completely fell apart when our congregation sang "Jesus Loves You" as they walked her around the room--so beautiful, but so so hard as we wait. Then we sang a song that mentions that before there was time, God planned all our days (which alludes to verses in Ephesians that talk about adoption) and then later in the song how God knows the number of hairs on our head...how before we were made, God searched us and knew us (which of course is comforting and true...but I want to know some of those things about our kiddo's life too. I know God loves our child, and I trust Him...but I struggle (and I should) as I long to be with him/her.) Then, finally, our pastor started his sermon with a story about how in order to whisper to someone, you have to be close to him. Of course Clint didn't know that one of my consistent prayers for this little one is that someone else would be whispering we're coming, that they're deeply loved and cherished...since we cannot. So, I cried and cried. and then avoided people because I don't know how to engage right now.

I love you little one. I don't go 15 minutes without thinking of you and aching for you. I pray God will knit our family's hearts together closely as we wait to be together. I pray you'll know how deeply loved you are today, by your Savior and by your family. We are coming. and until we're there we are aching to see you.

I love this family

to read the actual post...and to be encouraged, challenged and spurred on to love Jesus more, go here: http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

Full Circle

Almost three years ago, I walked into an orphanage in Jinja, Uganda and fell in love with the sickest baby girl I had ever seen (of course, I just didn't know what my life was going to be like...) Her name is Josephine. At a year old she could not hold up her own head or roll over, still had no teeth and was the size of a 2 month old. Mom and I took turns holding her and carrying her all over Jinja. When she was sick, we took her to the hospital and spent evenings holding her while nurses poked and prodded. I sang her to sleep. I cried when she cried. I begged the Lord that she wouldn't die. I went home with Josephine still in my heart and spent counless hours thinking and praying about her.

I watched her grow through other volunteers' pictures on facebook and was so thankful for Julie whose heart had also been stolen by this sweet girl. When I moved back to Uganda seven months later the first thing I did was scoop sweet Josephine, now able to sit up by herself, into my arms. She was still small, still had the same sweet smile, still held my heart. I was working pretty far from Jinja, teaching Kindergarten, but would sneak away in the afternoons to get back to the orphanage and hold little Josephine as often as I could. I would sneak her bananas a give her baths. I prayed and prayed and prayed that her forever family would come soon to take her home. She was happy, but she wasn't growing fast enough, she wasn't developing like the other children, and it was completely out of my power to do anything for her but continue to pray and love on her as much as I could.

10 months ago I sat in my new-found bestest friend Suzanne's house and she mentioned to me that if she ever had another baby girl, she would name her Josie Love. My heart lept. JOSEPHINE. I instantly stole her computer and showed her every picture I had of this precious little girl, talking too fast about what it would be like if Suzanne could bring her home. She looked at me as if I might be nuts and laughed but I left feeling like, just MAYBE, a seed had been planted.

7 months ago, Suzanne, Mike, and their two oldest children, along with some others came to visit. Of course the first thing I wanted to do was take them over to Jinja to meet sweet Josephine, who I of course had started referring to as Josie Love. The Mayernicks had been seriously praying about making her part of their family, but were unsure of what all her special needs may entail. But sweet Josie had done it again, she stole their hearts as well. Not long after they returned home, I got an excited phone call from Suzanne announcing that they felt that God was asking them to make Josie a Mayernick. I watch as their fears and uncertainties turned into excitement and joy. I continued to visit Josie at the orphanage whenever I could, but now I could whisper to her, "They are coming. Your Mommy and Daddy are coming to get you." My heart was full of joy.

Last month, Mike and Suzanne came to pick up their sweet baby girl. In a rountine medical exam that takes place before and child goes to the US, sweet Josie Love tested positive for HIV and TB. As I thought back over the time I had known her, it seemed all too obvious. Yet when she tested negative at 5 months, no one ever thought to re-test her. My heart nearly broke in half for this sweet baby girl and for my devestated friends. If you have ever wondered what it looks like to truly follow the call of the Lord, to truly TRUST God, I invite you to meet the Mayernicks. I was blown away, and truly challenged and encouraged as I watched them process and decide to take Josie HOME, regardless of her condition.
Today Josephine is standing up, holding onto my knees, unaware that I am typing about her on my computer. She is singing and grinning that big grin, the same one that looked up at me three years ago, although now it is full of teeth. Josephine is staying with our family for a bit, while Mike and Suzanne finish some things in the US and we treat her here for TB.

As I look at her happy little face I am marveling at God's goodness, His plans that are greater than anything I could have ever imagined. This sweet baby girl who I fell in love with years ago is going home to live with two of my favorite people in the world. She will grow up down the street from my mom who loves her to pieces and she will live near one of the best children's hospitals in the nation... my words are failing me. I can't even convey how beautiful it all is.
We are priviledge to have a few weeks or a few months to love on Josie Love Mayernick, priviledged to have her family walking life with us, priviledged to watch the Hand of God move in these magnificent ways that only He can. We appreciate your prayers as we take on a few more sleepless nights, a lot more dirty diapers, and an abundance of joy.

Mike and Suzanne, I love you. Your baby girl loves you. Thank you for being the example you are to me, thank you for all you do for Amazima and my family, thank you for loving Jesus.
Jesus, thank you. I don't have enough words. You could do it all by yourself, and you choose to include little me. I am so humbled and so grateful. You knit our stories together so perfectly. Thank you for your perfect plan for Josie, thank you for allowing me to witness it, to be a part of it. Thank you for your love for this precious one.

so...

In addition to feeling so sad about the state of the broken world (like 9/10 of our blog...sorry), I'm also unbelievably excited. I mean, tomorrow we might know who our kid is! We might see his/her picture. We might know their name. Who knows when that day will come (please, oh please, oh please, be tomorrow)...but until then:

I can barely breathe.
My stomach is in knots (like Christmas Eve excitement)
My emotions are unpredictable
My house is a wreck. wait, can't blame that one on the adoption. dang it.

We are so so so so eager to have you in our family. We can't wait to snuggle with you in our rocking chair. We can't wait to whisper all the things we've been praying others are whispering to you in our absence. We can't wait to watch Lucy and you play together. We just can't wait to know you. To love you and be loved by you.

this ache isn't going away

We spent time with Matt, our friend who was in Rwanda last week, and his wife, Kellie, for dinner last night to talk about his trip. Why don't I think about how painful these conversations are going to be?!

He was so gracious in remembering and sharing every detail of his time at Home of Hope (the orphanage from which we'll be adopting). But, of course, the details and reality for these children made all of us cry at the table. Yes, all four of us were crying. (Sorry...I can't/won't share more on the blog.)

We cried for our child, yes. But, the ache we feel isn't going away when this kiddo comes home. Our lives will be fuller, richer (perhaps harder, too) and this child's life will be radically different than it would be otherwise (mostly for good...but international adoption is a broken/imperfect answer to a broken world)...but even if everything goes perfectly for our family, there is still SO much brokenness, sadness, injustice and pain in the world. In that orphanage. In this neighborhood. In your life. And our aching isn't going to go away until Jesus comes back and fixes it ALL, as promised. I'm so thankful we're given a picture of what that will look like:

Revelation 21
The New Jerusalem Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Thank you, Jesus, that you came to abolish death, suffering, mourning. Thank you that you ache just like we do. Thank you that you promise to wipe every tear. Just so you know, there are going to be lots, lots more tears from me.

thanks for walking this journey with us

I just want to say thank you to all of you who are walking this journey with us. There have been so many wonderful, kind, generous comments and actions over the last year as we've walked this road to our child. We're so close! I just wanted to mention a few recent wonderful things (and look back on a few) to say thanks so much for the support:

• My dad wants to come with us to pick-up our little one! How cool is that?! It means the world to me that he might get to spend some time where his grandchild lived.
• Hunter's parents are going to take care of Lucy for a good chunk of the time we're gone. So will several of you :) (sorry I didn't ask and confirm all that yet). It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to go get a child too. So, thanks so much for helping out with our other little one while we're away.
• My aunt Sandy gave us a card congratulating us on our adoption approval and a beautiful engraved cross that says "For this child I have prayed" 1 Samuel 1:27. I almost held it together.
• My sister KayLeigh and her boyfriend Neil gave us a book about the Babies of the World. Each page has 2 adorable babies from various countries. On the last page it has a Rwandan child (obviously our favorite page) Lucy calls the book her brother-sister book :). They also gave us an African cd (so good!) and this really cool wall hanging for the kids' room

• One of our best friends, Carly, pretty much tells me every day how much she loves our kid and how she can't wait until they're home.
• Friends of ours have offered to give us their MANY frequent flyer miles to use for our trip. We're not exactly sure if we'll be able to do it (since our travel plans will probably be complicated with the need to adjust last minute) but we are so thankful for the extremely generous and thoughtful offer! We love how many people are using their gifts, creativity and treasures to welcome this child into our home!
• Remember the Yard Sale?! So much time and effort by friends and so much money raised to help us and to donate to the orphanage!!!
• One of our best friends here is going to come over and help me get the room ready. Once the room is ready I'm probably going to become an (even more frequent) emotional wreck. Well, I know one person is going to help already...but I'm probably going to ask for more help. I'm not so good at home organization stuff.
• Every single comment or note we've received about our child makes my day. Seriously. I know it is awkward or weird trying to connect to a kid that's so far away, but all the efforts mean the world to us. It is pretty much a guarantee that I'll cry if you ask me about or talk about our child or tell me you've prayed for him/her. Thanks for including him/her in your life already!
• 2 of our best (yes, best) friends in Richmond want to throw a party to celebrate this little one. We're leaning towards a sort of last minute referral party (where we'll keep everything a secret until the party and then share pictures, name, etc.) Yes, I know, the chances of me being able to keep ANYTHING a secret are really slim...but I can try! We've thought about gifts for the orphanage instead of our kiddo... but we're not sure about the best things to donate, etc. If anyone has any ideas of what to do--let us know!
• God gave us our Rwandan approval the day before my birthday. On a Saturday no less! It was such a surprise and then I got to spend the morning with lots of great friends. It was one of the best days of my life. No exaggeration.

Thanks again to each of you who have loved us and walked this with us. I know we're going to get really busy soon with final preparations and I don't want to miss a chance to thank you and recount some of God's many blessings along this road. We're so, so grateful for each of you and we can't wait to introduce you to our sweet child.

where's your brother or sister live?

Today we were talking about where everyone lives. The conversation went like this:

me: "Lucy, where do Mimi and Granddaddy live?"
Lucy: "Washington, D.C."

me: "Lucy where do you live?"
Lucy: "Richmond"

me: "Where do I live?"
Lucy: "Richmond"

KK (my sister): "Lucy, where does your brother or sister live?"
Lucy: "too far away."
me: (crying)

When we ask that question, we've taught her to say "Rwanda", which usually sounds like dawanda or Dejuan (our neighbor)..but we've never told her to say "too far away." oh, boy. I about lost it.

a friend visits Home of Hope

Our associate pastor (and friend) is in Rwanda right now and over the weekend was able to visit Home of Hope, the orphanage where our child is living. It means the world to us that he was willing and able to go. We're probably somewhere around a month from knowing who our child is, but we're all but certain our child was there, with Matt, as he walked the grounds. We can't wait to hear more details from him about his visit. We will always have a special, different friendship with Matt now since he's been there. We're so, so grateful we can share that with someone here in Richmond.

We're hoping and praying we'll be a part of the referrals that are coming out (likely next week). If you want to find out more about that, click on any of the blogs of our friends on the left side of the screen. The gist is that the head nun at the orphanage has a meeting on Friday with the government official who must approve all the referrals. Apparently she has about 12 families' referrals prepared, which is why we're hopeful we're included. 12 is a lot, right?! Oh to see our little one's face. To know his/her name. To be closer to bringing him/her home. Sigh. We love you so much. So so much.

APPROVAL Approval Approval!!!!!!!!!

dude, where you been? this happened, like so a month ago.
I didn't have anything important to say or update so I thought I'd just relive that wonderful day.
:)

identification even with abandonment

When I've gone through some hard things in life, good friends have reminded me and comforted me that because Jesus walked the earth as fully human, he entered into the same kinds of brokenness I experience. He identifies with my struggles. He understands. I am deeply comforted knowing that I'm not alone in my aches, that Jesus faithfully endured them...and, in fact he endured much more than me.

Then, we're told in 2 Corinthians 1, that one of the great things about enduring hardships is that we, then, can comfort those who go through the same troubles.

As I was thinking about our child, aching and racking my brain about how I won't be able to relate to many of their sources of brokenness, I sort of suddenly realized: what an unbelievable, matchless, glorious, suffering Savior! Jesus, son of God, was abandoned by His father. ("My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?") Jesus knows the depth of the pain of being abandoned...not just by His father...but by the Creator of the world.

Perhaps our child will be resilient. Perhaps they will easily know that he/she was not abandoned for lack of love or because of something he/she did. Perhaps he/she will not struggle to believe they are loved. But no matter what, I now know that Jesus has earned credibility in their sorrow. Jesus can identify with them and I can point my child(ren) to Him to comfort them in their pain. I'm so, so thankful.

our approval/non objection letter

Thought some of you might be curious about the content of our approval letter (picture above). Here's the situation, we've been told approximately two months after our approval, we'll receive our referral (when we'll know who our child is and all the details available on him/her). So, that's somewhere right around Thanksgiving. Could be sooner...could be later. We'll see! We're so so thankful for this enormous privilege and blessing!

Things in our home have been a bit CRAZY lately (even for us) with lots of things up in the air... pray we'll have peace, perspective and wisdom moving forward.

happy 1st birthday little one

We don't know that today is our child's birthday, but we've requested a child who is born after October 1, 2008...and we hope that the child will be in the older part of that range, since we've understood the likelihood of being adopted goes down the older you get. We just want to keep Lucy the oldest, and otherwise we're game. Anyway, I was studying up on my Kinyarwanda (local language in Rwanda) and came across how you say "Happy Birthday" and it occurred to me that if they go with the upper end of our age range, we're about to miss our child's first birthday. Sad.

Isabukuru nziza y'amavuko umwana wanjye. (Happy Birthday, my child)
Turajye. (We are coming)
Nda gukunda (I love you)