all jokes aside

Isaiah walked out of our hotel room sometime during the early morning this weekend.
we woke up at 7am to a loud knock on our door.
Hunter scrambled out of bed quickly and started yelling "where's Isaiah" "WHERE'S Isaiah?!?!"
my heart only stopped for a few seconds.
And then Hunter answered the door and there stood our adorable younger and browner two year old standing with complete strangers. happy as could be.


ugh.

there are a lot of things this incident can teach us:

• the obvious: bolt, chain, etc. your doors you moron parents. in my defense. well, whatever. I don't feel the need to defend myself this minute. Unlike plenty of other things I pride myself in, being a safety-first minded mother isn't one of them.
• Isaiah doesn't understand boundaries. At All. I joke about how he's the kid who needs survival swimming lessons. but it is true. he is starting to fear the water a little bit now and I'm CELEBRATING. his pain tolerance is THROUGH THE ROOF. he got a 2 1/2 inch burn on his leg from touching a motorcyle and DIDN'T CRY. we didn't even know he burned it until the next day when his skin fell off exposing an (atleast) second degree burn. that he didn't cry is a bad thing, friends. it is bad because there was a long enough season in his life when he would cry when he got hurt and he didn't get the attention he needed. he learned crying doesn't do anything. and he stopped. he falls HARD on the sidewalk and doesn't even skip a beat or make a noise. I hate to be Debbie Downer about things I sometimes like to joke around about...but the reality behind Isaiah's high pain tolerance is brokenness and sometimes I can't just make jokes and smile about it. nodding in partial agreement because it is easier than "going there" in a conversation with a friend is sometimes kind to the friend...and other times emotionally lazy of me. (just to clarify, YES, there are some kids who just have a high pain tolerance. but there is a statistically significant high percentage of kids who lived in an institutional setting for whom that is the case...while Isaiah may have been tough no matter what. probably not this tough). also, the amazing folks, whom we pray for and love, who cared for him at home of hope do as much as they can with the human and otherwise resources they have. they wouldn't suggest that they're able to provide the care that children need. and neither will I.
• Isaiah isn't there yet regarding attachment. I hope his first thought when he woke up was "where are my parents"...and he didn't immediately see us (though he should have) and went outside the door looking for us. I really think that is possible. He is definitely preferring us (Hunter especially) to others these days. But there are definitely awkwardly over-the-top hugs and kisses to strangers. (which everyone else, of course, thinks is just adorable and awesome). So, there is definitely the chance that Isaiah just didn't really care when he woke up. he just figured he'd find someone outside the door to spend time with. and that it would be alright. I really hope that isn't the case.

I still feel like throwing up. but I'm so thankful nothing worse happened. I was really tempted to turn this story into a funny post...I'm glad I didn't.

Since this is turning into some kind of an update, you'll also be happy to know that:

• Lucy and Isaiah really do adore each other. they are the best of friends. they sometimes fight, of course. but really, it isn't the norm. especially when it is just us, they get along so well. they hug and kiss all the time.
• He's grown almost 4 inches!! almost all of this is since we went gluten free. I'm a believer.
• Isaiah's had diarrhea for almost three weeks straight now. I am soooooooooooooo freaking sick of the diaper situation. but then I remember it is probably way worse for him and he doesn't even come close to crying about it...so I stop complaining.
• except when we're traveling and he has an explosive diaper on the airplane. and I spend 30 minutes in the bathroom. in first class. twice. and then the same day have to change his clothes 4 times. and then the next morning was when he left our hotel room. then at breakfast he threw up on us 5 times. literally. so then I start complaining and crying again. all in all, they were troopers on the trip!!
• they're sleeping in the same room now!! they're so cute about it. Isaiah is especially thrilled about not being in the crib anymore. we'll make a real transition with beds sometime when I can get a single mattress for Lucy. until then, Isaiah's crib mattress is on the floor next to Lucy's toddler bed. and they are loving it. (I'll probably make the real switch sometime before our social worker visits us next week. I'll also probably clean for the first time in several weeks. but whose counting?)

so, there you have it. now you can look at these pictures of my children. which can make any hard day really wonderful. Enjoy!

nothing kills date night like...

It was all going so well. Sigh.

I should start by saying that Hunter and I aren't the mooshy kind of couple. we laugh hard together, we sharpen one another...but I don't think anyone has ever accused us of being too lovey dovey.

I should also tell you that a while back we made an unwritten rule about not going to nice restaurants by ourselves. The main reason being that we (I, really) feel the need to have really deep, wonderful, big picture conversations when we're in that kind of atmosphere. There's just too much pressure.

anyway, last night we didn't hold to that rule (in part because amazing friends of ours gave us a gift certificate to Mezzanine...Richmond's top restaurant of 2009). it was delicious.

the conversation was fabulous as well. having kids has made any date night (anywhere besides in the house) wonderful. We were catching up about how we really feel like things are going in the family. what our next few weeks look like. how to make space for each other to continue to grow (spiritually in particular).

Then we got to chatting about the content of Hunter's work. If you know me well, you should be giving me serious points right now. That isn't something I typically or naturally do well. I like talking about what makes people tick. What makes them make the choices they make. What they really dream about doing. Why they love or don't love something.

Further, my family didn't grow up talking about work. We are all so talkative and close, but somehow I went years without knowing what my sister did for a living. I suppose I could have told you her title but never really knew what that meant. When we first got married I felt threatened by all of Hunter's questions about my day.

So, anyway, as bad as this is, conversation about the nitty gritty of day-in day-out work is a little blah for me.

Not last night though. I was right there with him. engaged as could be.

(you can confirm w/HT if this is really right) but Hunter's job is basically to help people make hard choices about what projects and ideas can actually happen in the time frame they want...and what ideas/projects they want to do can't happen because of various constraints. The people he's working with have tons of great ideas. ideas out the wazoo. but, like in all of life, you have to make hard choices if you really want to finish anything well and on time.

and then he said it. and it ruined our date. and my last 18 hours.

"it is hard. I basically have to help people choose their children"

I think he talked for at least another minute (without me hearing a word) before my eyes started brimming and I said something like. "I'm sorry. I'm done. I can't concentrate anymore. I'm going to start crying really hard in a second so we should probably try to leave soon."

it is a harmless, well articulated analogy. perfectly describes what Hunter's job really is. totally appropriate verbage. but ruined me nonetheless.

You see, some people really do get to the point where they have to choose which children they can keep. their real children.

we have no information, so we can only wonder. did isaiah's birth mother have to do that? was it her family's devastating poverty that led to our enormous wealth: having Isaiah as our son? oh jesus please be merciful.

nothing ruins a date night like reality.
help us to weep, O Lord.