This was one of the questions we were asked several times from a number of people when we decided to adopt. And it was a question we were asked when we tried to move to Rwanda. And it is a question we are asked as we continue to love to live in an urban (let's just say very few people regard it as safe) neighborhood. And it is a question we're being asked now that we're committing to participate in a new church in the city (instead of going to a church where there are tons of kids her age and programs all ready to suit her needs.)
And it is a question we'll be asked when, in a few years, we'll be making the choice about where she'll go to school. and if we'll adopt again. and what extracurriculars she'll do. and on and on.
Of course the manner in which the person asks the question betrays their opinion about the appropriateness or rationale of our family's decision. But--and it might surprise you that I think this--since we are meant to spend a lot of energy, time and prayer raising our children, they are actually asking a valid and very good question. A question every parent needs to consider when making a major decision.
What is and what will be our response?
Well, my first answer appears to contradict what I just said above. That is, that in some ways we're not really that concerned about what's best for Lucy.
Don't get me wrong--like I already said, we believe that God has called us to raise our children well. To cherish them appropriately. But how does he tell us to do that? To shield them from all potential risk? To seize every opportunity available to them? To try to order and control the variables in their lives as perfectly as possible?
Of course we care and we want to raise her well, but I think that means doing all we can to raise her to follow the LORD. To put Him first. To learn to defend what he defends. To weep over what he weeps over. It says in Deuteronomy that we're to teach our children to love the LORD with all our heart and soul and might. And if our choices are always child-centric (or parent-centric. or best-education-centric, or safety-centric, or anything-besides-God-centric), I wonder how they would learn that?
I guess what I'm saying is that I hope and pray our parenting will demonstrate for her that we should always follow wherever it seems like God (the center of our lives) is leading us to go, regardless of whether that fits her, Isaiah's or our best interests.
But, you might astutely ask,wouldn't God's will be her best interest?
Which leads me to my preferred answer to this question.
So on the one hand, to the question "what about what's best for Lucy?" I'd say, her best interest is not really our primary concern when we make decisions. Hopefully our primary concern is trying to discern God's will (not that this process is an easy one!). Lucy's best interests, then, become part of the discernment process. just not the discernment process.
On the otherhand perhaps it would be best to answer a question with a question. "well, what do you mean by Lucy's best interests?" I think we'll find that people define that term in profoundly different ways. Lucy's best interests absolutely shape many of our choices, just perhaps from a different angle.
Sure, we know that international adoption means that you will not know (maybe ever?) the extent of the needs of your new child. They could be considerably more needy than we feel prepared to, or agreed to handle. It is absolutely true that since Isaiah came home I have (academically speaking) taught Lucy nothing. NOTHING. the girl is a sponge and we read a lot, but Isaiah's needs, in every way, have trumped getting out the letters, games, puzzles, and whatever else makes sense for me to try to teach an almost three year old. For a number of reasons, Lucy's "new experiences" have been limited since Isaiah came home. So if we're defining Lucy's best interests narrowly, like "what will best develop her academic side?" "or what would be least risky for a sibling for Lucy," everyone would agree that adoption would be a terrible choice.
Just looking at the question related to adoption (and not moving to Rwanda, participating in a church plant, living in an inner-city neighborhood--though each of these have beautiful consequences too), when I hear stories from adoptive families like the following ones, I'm convinced that we at least at some level have Lucy's very best interests in mind:
- One friend's caucasian son was taking a bath with his Rwandese sister and said "we look like twins because we are both naked and our hair is wet". the picture was priceless, as was the mom's follow-up comment: "kids should rule the world."
- In response to a similar question, our friend, the father in an adoptive family (one of the 10-kids-in-the-family variety) said something like this "well, our kids had to learn that not only do we not go to their practices (like most parents, apparently). but we're lucky if we make it to some of their games or performances. they learned pretty quickly that the world doesn't revolve around them. that's probably decent parenting, right?" In a culture where people a lot smarter and deeper than me would say that children have become our culture's (American Christian culture's too) idol (the thing people worship and disproportionately revolve their lives around), what a great way to have their children's best interest in mind.
- One friend whose door to adoption just closed again, cried (even harder than she already was) when she realized she was going to have to tell her daughter, who (because of how her eyes have been opened to the world, mainly through adoption) just wants to adopt so badly her heart is practically popping out of her middle school body. Her mom just couldn't bear to break the disappointing news. Seems like, though remarkably sad, she's parenting pretty well and has her daughter's best interest in mind. (And, of course, it seems like her middle school daughter has her priorities pretty well aligned that this is the nature of the confrontation her mom is nervous about!)
- A friend's four year old son is saving up change to send to Rwanda for clean water so his brother and his brother's friends (like Isaiah) won't have bad tummy problems.
and now to us.
Lucy, Isaiah and I were walking over to a friend's house last week. Lucy and I were holding hands and I reached for Isaiah's hand to cross the street. He ran around my legs and grabbed Lucy's hand instead. When, in that moment, Lucy looked up at me with shimmering eyes and said, "Mommy! I think he loves me!!" I felt like I had her best interests in mind.And when she prays for kids at Home of Hope in Rwanda to have families, I feel like we had her best interest in mind.
and when we together say "thank you God that we have clean water and it doesn't take mommy all day to get it." and she knows what I'm talking about. I feel like we had her best interest in mind.
and when my kids shout Ndagukunda ("I love you" in Kinyarwanda) over and over and over again to each other in their room, I feel like we had her best interest in mind.
and so on.
how can we possibly know how God wants to shape our children? we don't know what their best interest is, but their Creator does. All we can do is seek to follow Him wherever he leads us so he can teach us and shape us along the way. sometimes he will lead us to make radical, noticeable choices. and sometimes he will lead us to make quiet, inconspicuous ones. God is much more interesting than one size fits all.
Wish I could stop there, but my conscience tells me I can't. So, you might say, what if our experience hadn't been like that. what if Lucy had resented him. what if Isaiah had been abused/abusive. what if our difficulties with adoption had been much more profound. There are plenty of stories out there like that. Does that mean we didn't hear God right?
well, I can't fairly say anything besides "I don't know how I would have felt." because that wasn't our experience. I'm sure it would be remarkably difficult. but I hope I would remember that the bible has a ton to say about how suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and so on. If it seems pretty clear that God wants us to do something (which in this case it did seem that way), far be it for me to protect my children from learning what God wants to teach us/them through potential suffering. The opposite lesson wouldn't be great for them either, which, I guess is that we only follow Jesus when it appears safe, convenient, knowable, easy.
and then I hope I would look, in my sorrow, even more longingly for the day Jesus is going to make everything right.
because God's ways are so much higher than ours, may we trust Him to order our lives. to guide us. to know what is really in our best interest. and may we follow him and show our children how to follow him. no matter what.
(P.S. obviously I'm talking about Lucy in this post, since before we adopted Isaiah, most people weren't asking about his best interest (we didn't know him in particular). But surely everything we've mentioned relates to him as well going forward. And, of course, if we replaced Isaiah's name for Lucy's in this story we would all start sobbing when we realize how tangibly heart breaking the reality of a narrow approach to someone's best interests can be for a kid who doesn't yet have a family. I think it is fair to confidently say that this was in Isaiah's best interests).
PSS if you have any personal family/friend stories to share about adoption being in people's best interest, please share them. they encourage me so much!!
