I was there to Hear your Borning Cry

Dear Isaiah:

This Sunday you will be baptized. Your daddy and I, along with so many family and friends who are so excited for you, will pledge to raise you as best we can, to know and serve the LORD. We acknowledge our dependence on Him to draw you to faith, but we will pray for you and will strive to teach you to follow the LORD.

When I was growing up, at every major life event celebrated in the church (especially baptisms), we sang a tear-jerker song, "I was there to Hear your Borning Cry". I'm sure I sang it no less than 100 times. This winter, though, as we waited and longed and cried for you to come home, your cousin, Simon, was baptized. Of course we sang that song again. I sat there and clung to your daddy and wept quietly because you weren't with us. Because we weren't there to hear your borning cry. Because of the brokenness that has led me to the joy and privilege of having you as my son. I cried and cried. Oh God, why couldn't we have been there? Why so much sadness for my son?

And then, something occurred to me that I had never understood about that song. Something that's critical to understanding the song's meaning. All along I had thought the song was the parent singing to the child. But it isn't; it is the Heavenly Father singing to their child. Though I wasn't there to hear your borning cry, He was. And though now I'll be there, as much as I can, for every joy and every sorrow. I won't be enough for you. I can't be. But He is. He has known you forever. He is your Rock. He is your Redeemer. He is the one who made you. Who formed you in your mother's womb. Who has been with you every moment of your life. Who loved you so much that He sent His only Son to die for you.

Oh, put your trust in Him, Isaiah. This is my prayer for you as you are baptized. That Jesus will be enough for you. That you'll trust Him to wipe every tear away. That you'll not depend on your strength, but His. That you'll serve Him all the days of your life.

Here are the words to that song (admittedly, I should have caught on sooner to the song not being sung by the parents):

I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold.
I was there when you were but a child,
with a faith to suit you well;
In a blaze of light you wandered off
to find where demons dwell."

"When you heard the wonder of the Word
I was there to cheer you on;
You were raised to praise the living Lord,
to whom you now belong.
If you find someone to share your time
and you join your hearts as one,
I'll be there to make your verses rhyme
from dusk 'till rising sun.

In the middle ages of your life,
not too old, no longer young,
I'll be there to guide you through the night,
complete what I've begun.
When the evening gently closes in,
and you shut your weary eyes,
I'll be there as I have always been
with just one more surprise.

I was there to hear your borning cry,
I'll be there when you are old.
I rejoiced the day you were baptized,
to see your life unfold.

stability and ambition's whisper

I’m reading a book on stability and I’m all fired up J. “the Wisdom of Stability—rooting faith in a mobile culture” by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove.

He totally gets that some have to “go” and that God calls us to that…but here he’s talking about opposing the culture we’re in where we’re paralyzed by choice, always looking for the next big change (for me, a new house in the neighborhood, pregnancy/adoption, moving to Rwanda, etc.) I am sure that for many, it is harder to go/change than to stay, to be quiet than to speak out. But, as you know, that’s not my nature…that’s why reading about silence and stability moves me to repentance.

Of course we’re called to obedience, not stability. But some of these writings have helped me to discern obedience in my life. (I know some of you know the story about God showing/telling me (when I was all hung up on big picture legacy and service) that my legacy was “to have a marriage that our children will want to have”. Definitely not what I was expecting.

Anyway, I thought you would enjoy this, with me.

From the foreward:
“Drawing on the 1700-year old Christian tradition of monastic wisdom, the author reminds us that when we opt for stability we face a cosmic struggle. There are internal battles, of course, mostly with the demons of anger, pride, and boredom. But to commit to stability also means accepting other people as they are. How dreary to consider that God has given us this family, this spouse, these colleagues on the job, this church congregation. Surely we are meant for more important things, and our talents will be better appreciated by a more sophisticated crowd…. One of the more radical premises of this book is that there comes a time to set seeking aside. But as the romance of our initial religious experience fades, and the reality of life with other human beings in a church congregation seem too much to bear, we are tempted to move on. Wilson-Hartgrove asks us to stop a moment and ask “if we might abandon our seeking, settle down, and allow God to find us where we are.”

From Chapter 5:
“Ambition’s Whisper
Gordon Crosby moved to Washington, DC, in the late 1940s to start Church of the Savior, a church based on small groups long before small groups became a strategy for church growth among nondenominational evangelicals. Committed to radical discipleship and social engagement—what Cosby called the “inward journey and the outward journey”—Church of the Savior became well known for holistic mission while most American Chrisitans were still divided between a commitment to the “social gospel” and an emphasis on personal salvation. By the 1960s, word had gotten out about this interesting experiment in Christian discipleship. Cosby was flooded with invitations to travel and speak about Church of the Savior. Like Abba Antony before him, Cosby was called from his cell by seekers and friends alike.

Seeing these speaking engagements as an opportunity to extend Church of the Savior’s ministry, Cosby initially accepted as many as he could. Increasingly, though, he was unsure how to balance the local work of pastoring a church with this national speaking ministry. In the midst of his confusion, Cosby heard God speak to him in an undeniable way. The message was simple: “Stay home and do your knitting.”

Reflecting on his ministry nearly half a century later, Cosby looks back on that vocational struggle as a turning point in his life and in the life of Church of the Savior. He decided to turn down the speaking invitations and focus on the people God had gathered in a small community. His “knitting,” as it turned out, was not very exciting work most days. It included a lot of listening to people, trying to hear what God was up to in their lives. It looked like prayer, especially with people who were confused or felt like they had failed. It meant paying attention to people’s gifts and encouraging them. for over half a century, Cosby spent his best energies finding ways to support the things people felt called to when they listened to God’s heart.

By any assessment, the Church of the Savior’s ministry over the past fifty years has had an influence disproportionate to the relatively small size of its membership. In 2008 alone, 800 people found jobs and 325 new housing units were built through its ministries in Washington, D.C. The founder of Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA) and a moderator of the Reformed Church in America have been raised up from among this flock. Progressive evangelical leader Jim Wallis wrote in 1997 that Church of the Savior “has had more influence around the country than any other church I know about.” Like the trees in the book of Revelation that bear fruit in season, this community of faith has grown into the abundance of divine fertility.

…

Many of us who choose stability will have to struggle, as Cosby did, with the midday demon of ambition. Its voice is subtle, often suggesting new and exciting things that are undeniably good work. Ambition suggestions are deceptively attractive because they can rarely be dismissed outright. There is, after all, no way to say beforehand what sort of extended vocation healthy growth might lead to. God’s people in any place may be called to put out new branches, consider new ministries, even extend our boundaries beyond the limits we had originally imagined. To refuse growth outright is to contradict nature, like the feet that were once bound by Chinese emperors for the sake of an ideal of beauty that debilitated the women it was forced upon. Some growth is natural for any living creature.

but ambition tempts us to forsake the mundane for the sake of unlimited growth—or at least, new opportunities. We are easily unimpressed by the ordinary, longing for the feeling of excitement that comes with a new task to take up, new people to engage, new challenges to face. The repetition of the daily grind wears on us, tempting us to think that nothing ever changes unless we break out of our routine and change the conditions of our everyday life. When we are frustrated by life’s difficulties, afraid we’re not measuring up, ambition whispers, “maybe you’re not doing what you were made for. Maybe your talent could shine brighter if you were doing something else.
…

The tension between fidelity and ambition is evident in the decisions we all make about our own personal development. Even if we’re committed to stick with people in the place where we are, ambition tempts us to invest our best energy in something more exciting than the daily tasks of cooking meals, cleaning the church, taking care of children, doing the laundry, planning a block party, or keeping the books. At the end of a long day, an activity as banal as Web surfing can seem more exciting than conversation with a friend or neighbor. Who hasn’t been distracted in the midst of a normal exchange with the person in front of them by the thought, “maybe I should check my email”?

give the people what they want

I know most (all?) of you read this to hear about our family...especially Isaiah (and, ahem, not so much to hear me go on and on and on about myself and my problems). so, I'll stop indulging myself and "give the people what they want" (an update and pictures).

I can't think of a good way to summarize, but here goes

• Our kids are sleeping right now so I LOVE my life and can barely believe I get to live it. Actually, if you asked me at just about any point today I would have said the same thing. But today was an exceptionally great day. I usually am only foolish and forgetful enough to exclaim "I love my life" wholeheartedly when the kiddos are sleeping. because;
• WE HAVE TWO 2-YEAR OLDS AND THAT'S CRAZY AND EXHAUSTING. it is rewarding and full and rich in all the right ways, too...but I'm so spent at the end of the day I sometimes forget. Lord help me not to miss how great this is!
• We're usually doing very well. Isaiah is so freaking cute it kind of kills me. Seriously adorable. I still feel like I have to pinch myself because I can't believe he's really home. He so clearly loves being home and I sometimes catch myself just staring at him. unable to comprehend this love that was so deep so fast...and unable to imagine his life or our lives before he came home. it makes me want to cry and vomit all at once. remember my once terrified of the baths son? he's now clearly obsessed.
• Lucy and Isaiah LOVE each other. sure they have their little sibling battles, but I couldn't have really asked for a better adjustment for either of them. I love to see the way they're different because of each other. Lucy likes jumping off of unsafe things and is, generally more physical and adventurous than before. Isaiah likes reading books and playing dress-up. well, maybe he doesn't like playing dress-up...but he definitely doesn't want to be left out of anything Lucy's doing.

• He's learning English so quickly. It is absolutely amazing. he'll repeat just about anything Lucy says and Lucy proudly tells everyone she's teaching Isaiah how to talk. it is true. her chatty kathy nature is super helpful these days.

The harder stuff:

• While he's learning english so well, it isn't like he's proficient and I can't really explain things to him. sometimes I feel like a cavewoman grunting things at him. just yelling "NO! NO NO TOUCH." "NO! NO NO HIT!" "NO! NO NO JUMP DOWN 6 STAIRS AT ONE TIME!" (he really almost did that today). I rationalize my behavior--shrieking "NO!", smacking his bottom (without warning sometimes)to make sure he gets that he's not allowed to do something, etc.--by saying I can't explain things to him yet. his english isn't good enough. and it is my job to help keep him and Lucy safe. Please pray I'll know how to teach him well and not just yell him into obedience. ugh. i promise I'm not just mean.
• Isaiah almost chokes most times when he eats because he eats so fast. Not just like, haha, lots of little kids do that. like scary. a fighter's instinct and it makes me really sad. he gets deeply upset if we don't give him more and more food, which we continue to usually allow...but we're still praying he'll trust that he's going to get plenty and he'll stop gorging.
• He's started crawling and babbling/grunting a lot. Don't forget, he's 2 and change. We knew we were going to treat him like a baby sometimes, to promote bonding/attachment, but I didn't realize he was going to instinctually start acting like a baby too. because he missed getting to be a baby with parents to treat him like a baby (I LOVE LOVE LOVE the sisters at Home of Hope, but this is one of the reasons they're thrilled there are families waiting for these kiddos. they know they can't provide the attention and love these kiddos need). it is fascinating and terribly sad (hard to explain) but it is unbelievable, too, how his body is making him do things he needs to do.
• Speaking of his body...who knows what's going on in his tummy? I mean, some of it is just chunk. but not all of it. and I stink at follow through with doctors. God knew that, though, right? going lactose free has DEFINITELY helped with the bowel issues. this doesn't look like a kiddo with raging intestines, does it?!
• Where did the time go? Seriously, there is margin for NOTHING now. Before we brought Isaiah home, we didn't necessarily understand why we were supposed to back out of most commitments and communicate clearly that we're about to be in a new, (potentially) super intense and unpredictable season. but we trusted people who've gone ahead of us, set expectations with close people and we're so thankful. Bedtime takes a long time with Isaiah (anywhere from 1 to 2 1/2 hours...maybe 90 minutes average?) and we don't leave him by himself for it. (there are a lot of different approaches and every family is different, but it seems like Isaiah needs the added reassurance of our presence with him when he falls asleep. night time is really hard for him. we have, however, started putting him in the crib to fall asleep next to us, instead of in bed with us. progress!) anyway, I'm so glad we set expectations with others or I'd feel like a colossal failure. we've been on 2 evening outings (them city folk call them dates.) since we've been home (that's not terrible!) and I can't actually remember if I have or not, but I think I've had one other night when I didn't put one of the kids in bed (oh yeah, Lucy still won't go to sleep or be by herself since the Good Friday/Easter incident. blasted me! so it takes a good 30-60 minutes with her too) all that's to say, we didn't know exactly what it would be, but planning for your schedule to not be your own is smart! we miss you small group, evening dinners with friends, etc. However, I love getting to read more. (what else ya going to do quietly for 2 hours in a room while your son falls asleep?)
• I'm not working anymore. Sigh. Up until a few weeks ago (though I was on maternity leave since January), I worked for an amazing organization, HOPE International, which provides microloans to some creativity-and-innovation rich but materially very poor clients who live in developing countries. I was providing emotional and spiritual (and practical) support to our staff who work as expatriates (not working in their country of citizenship). BUT, like I said above...where did the margin go? I hope at some point to be able to work outside of the home again, using different gifts and skills God has given me, but since we're able for me to be home full time and since we feel like we definitely need to carefully and consistently nurture our marriage during this tough season (i.e., something always gives, right? for us/me, we need to be careful to prioritize marriage not just other important/good things), I let my boss know I can't continue. Major bummer for me but we feel like it is the right call for our family and I won't begrudge what feels like God's gracious leading. just another example of needing to be aware that adjustments are likely necessary when you add a child/children to your home!! expect to be surprised! (I am confident, by the way, that God knows each family, each child, each circumstance and could do completely opposite things in other people's lives, without being contradictory to His nature.)
• Hunter and I are doing really well. We're in this together and leaning on each other pretty well. We have our bad moments of course, but overall I'd say that God's grace is enabling us to thrive in our marriage (as much as is possible) right now.

As you can tell, the first three months home with Isaiah has been a blissful blur. I only vaguely remember how terrible the pain of laboring Lucy was. I think I'll only vaguely remember how exhausting and tiring our transition home with Isaiah has been. But I will never forget the intense pain of the waiting. the intense joy of the moment just before we met him, as I hugged Hunter and wept over God's great provision and love.

God has been so gracious to our family. forever. Thanks for checking in on us and supporting us.