our documents officially made it

Our forms were officially delivered. WOO HOO! We're now just waiting for approval. Pray with us that the Minister will review our file and rule favorably. Pray, for the sake of our child who is waiting for us, that she'll rule quickly. Here's some of Psalm 139 to remind me that God knows all of my (and my children's) needs:

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in--behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you."

It's official

No, we haven't been approved or anything awesome like that. What's official, then, you ask? It's official that I'm "that mom." I've always prided myself in being calm, cool, collected. I don't stress out over little or big things. Until now. And it is out of control. Good grief.

As Hunter already shared, it is embarrassing how many times we've tracked our FedEx package to see if it has been picked up yet. No less than 20 times per day. After I send an email to our family coordinator at our adoption agency I press "send/receive" incessantly until I get a reply.

I told her (Terra, our family coordinator) that I'm struggling with figuring out whether I'm 100% supposed to be learning patience through this process or whether I'm supposed to be learning what it means to be an effective advocate for my children. Anyone who knew us when Hunter's appendix burst several years ago will know that I'm not the most aggressive patient/advocate and sometimes, like in health care situations, it is really important and good to be pushy to make sure you're getting excellent care.

I'm not going to overanalyze the situation, but I'm certain I'm supposed to be feeling a little more peaceful during this process and I need to seek that out better. But I'm also convinced that I'm supposed to learn what it means to actively wait, pushing for things to go through so we can get our child home ASAP. Having to fight for our kid (not against anyone in particular) is also teaching me not to cling too tightly to a desired image of myself: really composed, unflappable, etc. Obviously I can swing too far the other way, but since my bent is to never push it, perhaps it is a little bit of growth for me if people think I'm being a little over aggressive.

In any case, I'll also be praying that we'll find comfort in these verses that Terra sent to me:
Isaiah 40:31 Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

Sigh

I want our kid. I want to hold them. To tell them how deeply loved they are. I want them 3 months ago. Sigh. I ache.

Confessions of a Fedex Package Tracking Addict

So, we got all our updates to our paperwork finalized last Friday and then Dave was kind enough to be our personal DC courier service to pick our stuff up from the embassy and run it out to our adoption agency so that it could get on its way to Rwanda.

So, starting on Friday night, we started entering the tracking number into the Fedex website approximately every 45 seconds looking for updates. Seriously, I probably checked on the tracking number no less than 40 times between Friday at 8 pm and Wednesday at 10 am. Then suddenly, after three days of zero updates, our package was in Rwanda on Wednesday morning! Thinking about my newfound familiarity with the fedex package tracking module, I realized three things:

1) I really want my child to come home. I never would have predicted that I'd already be so emotional about this child about whom I know so little…but every day of waiting and watching our documents sit doing nothing was really difficult to handle
2) I'm impatient. This process is going to teach me a lot in that respect.
3) I'm quick to blame other people when things aren't going the way I want them. I was ready to drive to Newark, NJ to give the fedex employees there a piece of my mind for keeping my package for 3 days when it should have been on its way to Rwanda (it actually was, the system just didn't update).

And I guess part of that impatience and blame is just connected to #1. I don't want to delay my kid coming home by anymore days than I absolutely have to…but I think a lot of it is me thinking that I can or should be in control of how things are going to play out, and I'm not. So, I'm learning…but I still wish I were learning while our dossier was at the Ministry.

In related news: Lucy has begun to express her opinions about this stuff. She says that she wants a little girl when given the choice. That's exciting…unfortunately, when asked if Daddy is a boy or a girl, she says "girl!", so maybe we shouldn't trust her on this one yet. Please note: this is not an open invitation to make a joke about me.

So, our next mini-step is for the agency's staff person to pick up the dossier in Kigali and get it over to the Ministry of Family and Gender…and then we'll wait for a while (probably a couple of months) and hope that we get approved.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to checking the tracking status and hoping for a "Delivered" status to show up.

On their way!

Hip Hip HOOORAY! Our documents are officially on their way to Rwanda. A big "thank you thank you thank you" to our brother-in-law, Dave Farias, for picking up our documents at the Rwandan Embassy and rushing them over to our agency (all in D.C. rush hour traffic). We were given a tracking number so we'll be able to watch while they're crawling across the world (7,264 miles). We'll let you know when the documents have arrived safely on the Minister's desk.

The Jesus my mom helped me to see

So, I would have loved to have posted this yesterday, given the whole Mother's Day thing, but alas I'm a day late. No surprise to those of you who know me well.

In part this is a post to honor my mom, who was particularly effective at modeling Jesus' love for those who are marginalized. Mostly, though, this is a post that will hopefully (re)introduce you to a part of Jesus that might not be so familiar.

There's a GREAT book from a while back by Philip Yancey called "The Jesus I Never Knew." Each chapter helps readers to see true things about Jesus (from the Bible) that, for whatever reason, over the course of history lots of people have missed, forgotten or failed to model (I'm guilty of all three). It is both an encouragement to the Church, to make sure we're preaching and modeling a full Gospel, and to those who don't believe, to make sure you really know who He is, before you decide you're not interested.

One of the things we forget about Jesus (myself included) is who the people were with whom he spent significant time. Who he reached out to while he walked the earth. Who wanted to be with him.

Yancey writes:

"...we noticed a striking pattern: the more unsavory the characters, the more at ease they seemed to feel around Jesus. People like these found Jesus appealing: a Samaritan social outcast, a military officer of the tyrant Herod, a quisling tax collector, a recent hostess to seven demons.

In contrast, Jesus got a chilly response from more respectable types. Pious Pharisees thought him uncouth and worldly, a rich young ruler walked away shaking his head, and even the open-minded Nicodemus sought a meeting under the cover of darkness.

I remarked to the class how strange this pattern seemed, since the Christian church now attracts respectable types who closely resemble the people most suspicious of Jesus on earth. What has happened to reverse the pattern of Jesus' day?

I recounted a story told me by a friend who works with the down-and-out in Chicago. A prostitute came to him in wretched straits, homeless, her health failing, unable to buy food for her two year-old daughter. Her eyes awash with tears, she confessed that she had been renting out her daughter--two years old!--to men interested in kinky sex, in order to support her own drug habit. My friend could barely hearing the sordid details of her story. He sat in silence, not knowing what to say. At last he asked if she had ever thought of going to a church for help. "I will never forget the look of pure astonishment that crossed her face," he told me later. "Church!" she cried. "Why would I ever go there? They'd just make me feel ever worse than I already do."

Somehow we have created a community of respectability in the church, I told my class. The down-and-out, who flocked to Jesus when he lived on earth, no longer feel welcome. How did Jesus, the only perfect person in history, manage to attract the notoriously imperfect? And what keeps us from following in his steps today?"
...

In his own social interactions, Jesus was putting into practice "the great reversal" heralded in the Beatitudes. Normally in this world we look up to the rich, the beautiful, the successful. Grace, however, introduces a world of new logic. Because God loves the poor, the suffering, the persecuted, so should we. Because God sees no undesirables, neither should we. By his own example, Jesus challenged us to look at the world through what Irenaeus would call "grace-healed eyes."
...

Projecting myself back into Jesus' time, I try to picture the scene. The poor, the sick, the tax collectors, sinners, and prostitutes crowd around Jesus, stirred by his message of healing and forgiveness. The rich and powerful stand on the sidelines, testing him, spying, trying to entrap him. I know these facts about Jesus' time, and yet, from the comfort of a middle class church in a wealthy country like the U.S., I easily lose sight of the radical core of Jesus' message.

To help correct my vision, I have read sermons that come out of the Christian base communities in the Third World. The gospel through Third World eyes looks very different from the gospel as preached in many U.S. churches. The poor and the unlearned cannot always identify Jesus' mission statement ("...he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor...to proclaim freedom for the captives and release for the prisoners...") as a quotation from Isaiah, but they hear it as good news indeed. They understand the great reversal not as an abstraction but as God's promise of defiant hope and Jesus' challenge to his followers. Regardless of how the world treats them, the poor and the sick have assurance, because of Jesus, that God knows no undesirables.

So, thanks mom, for spending significant time sincerely and sacrificially loving people, who--to lots of the world--may seem disgraceful, untouchable or too messed up. In doing so you helped me to see a clearer picture of Jesus.

And thanks Jesus for instituting an upside value system where the weak are strong. The poor are rich. The humble are exalted. Thanks for coming for the sick and not the healthy. Sorry I haven't lived that very well. Help me to know you better. Help me to learn grace from those you loved. Give me eyes to see like you see.

Success!

Yesterday was jam packed from start to finish but successful by all accounts! First thing in the morning Lucy and I made the 2 hour trip up to DC to visit the US State Department to get our documents authenticated (3rd level of authentication). Here's the really impressive building where this important task occurs:

So random. I was looking around for an official looking government building and here it was, in the middle of (essentially) a nice strip mall, next to a coffee shop. I walked past it 4 times before I finally realized "this is it".

The BEST part of the authentication process was that I got to meet Terra, our family coordinator at our adoption agency. She's the person who has been reviewing all our paperwork, supporting us and helping us to know what to do next. It was so nice to meet her face-to-face after so many emails and phone calls.

Here are the three of us:

After 3 signatures from Hillary Clinton...well, signed by someone else on her behalf, finally it was off to the Rwandan Embassy to drop off our new documents. The embassy is located in a row house located in NW DC on New Hampshire (for you map nerds out there).

You know, I obviously would rather if all our documents were sitting on the Minister's desk in Rwanda right now, but it was neat to get to visit these 2 places myself. I like understanding how the process works a little more. I really like being able to picture the buildings where the activities are happening, being able to picture the nice lady at the embassy whom I'll be incessantly calling next week to get our papers to us quickly, being able to picture Terra who will be the one who calls us when our official approval comes through. So, while it wasn't 100% ideal, it was a great day anyway!

Please pray the documents will be ready next week so our dossier can be on its way really soon!!!

Sigh...admitting my fears and getting delayed

Yesterday afternoon I sat down to write an email to the other families adopting from Rwanda. I felt like I needed to admit to them that while I know I "should" be excited their paperwork is finished too, I'm actually not excited at all. Sure, I've had some moments of feeling genuinely happy for families...especially ones that are way ahead of us who are about to pick up their children. But for the most part, even though it hurts my pride to admit my ugly heart, it would be a lie to say I'm excited for all the families who are ahead of us in the process, or even the ones behind us.

And it isn't just because I'm competitive...although I'm sure some of that is at play as well.

The biggest reason I'm not joyful when I "should" be is because I'm allowing fear to rule me instead of peace. Rwanda is newly open to adoption in the United States, so they're just now figuring out their process. I'm concerned that now that there are 20-30 families with dossiers in Rwanda, their government is going to freak out because of the sudden influx and they'll decide to shut down international adoption. Or I'm concerned that the government is going to want to make sure they're not just approving everyone who applies, so they'll pick out flaws in a few families and deny them (Hunter and I are well under the recommended age of 35, so, in my mind, we'll be the first ones to go). The list goes on and on. And the concerns are legitimate.

A quick disclaimer: I DON'T think the answer is "Everything will be fine. You're doing this for God so He'll make it happen." God hasn't promised this adoption will go well. The Bible doesn't say that if people try to do His will or try to do "good" things, that everything will work out for them (in the ways they want anyway). In fact, it says a lot of things to the contrary...to expect suffering, to expect hardship. One verse in 1 Peter says "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ..."

We aren't promised that we'll end up with our child at the end of this process. If we do get our child, we aren't promised they'll adjust well, that they'll end up being healthy. ETC.

Some people ask, why take on more risk then? Life is hard enough, why risk that you'll wind up with a broken heart in this process? Or why risk bringing extra hardship or suffering into your family?

To keep it simple, we feel like God has taken us on this journey and, in our sanest moments, He's everything to us. Where else are we going to go but where He leads? Regarding the added risks, though, it definitely helps that we've had some good Bible teaching and we (in our heads) know that we're not promised life is going to be easy, but we ARE promised God's grace will be sufficient to take us through. So, for now, we're just banking on that and we're trying to build upon that solid foundation so that when the storms come--and they WILL come for all of us--our house will be ready.

So anyway, when I sat down yesterday to write my email I was in a pretty good place, able to admit that I was struggling with several different issues. I asked these new friends to pray that I wouldn't be ruled by fearful thoughts, that I wouldn't be paralyzed by the "what ifs" but that I would walk forward confidently and joyfully. I started typing the words of Psalm 112: 6-8, which say:

Psalm 112: 6-8:
"Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear;"

And AS I was typing those words, I received an email from our adoption agency telling us that we were going to experience some delays. The process is changing in Rwanda. There are 3 new requirements for which we'll need to submit 3 new pieces of paper, which means we'll need three more notarized, authenticated documents to be sent to the US State Department, then the Rwandan Embassy, then Rwanda.

Sigh.

Of course the news could have been MUCH worse; we could have been denied or the delays could be much longer. That doesn't take away the fact that this news stunk to receive. But the surprising thing was that it didn't floor me. It didn't ruin me. It definitely was painful and frustrating to find out that we're probably a month further away from the end of this process than we thought on Monday, but (I think) because God prepared me for it, my reception of the news was totally different than it would have been had I not been reflecting on the nature of fear earlier that day. I imagine I would have started immediately complaining or worrying, but instead, by God's grace, for the most part I was able to let it roll off my back.

Now, before you start thinking I'm great or something, let me just say that 1) I started complaining 15 minutes later, 2) Hunter and I fought on the phone multiple times today because we're both frustrated, and 3) I've spent a large chunk of time today feeling sorry for myself and overwhelmed (going in and out of frustration) trying to figure out how to get doctor's appointments for today, how to get a notary to meet us there (Isa you're the best!!!!), so I can get to the Secretary of the Commonwealth's office tomorrow morning and then to DC on Friday to the Department of State and Rwandan Embassy. BUT, in the midst of the uncertainty and chaos, I can't pretend that I don't feel a wonderful peace as well.

So, there's the update. I'm thankful God is teaching me lots about His way being different than mine. I am thankful that it looks like we'll be able to get the paperwork submitted early next week so it should be off to Rwanda again within the month. But I'm not thankful, though, that our dossier is going to be delayed which means we're getting to our kiddo slower than we thought.

All for now.

They don't object!

Great news from DC today...we got word that our Dossier was picked up from the Rwandan embassy with the non-objection letter! I'll admit, a "non-objection letter" doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement, but we've been assured that they don't have a "we're really excited about this family" letter, so we're pretty sure that this is about as good as we can do.

So, that means that the dossier (all of our adoption documents) with the letter will be starting to cover the 7,205 mile journey to Kigali, Rwanda via FedEx sometime tomorrow! [On a side note, I tried to figure out the distance on Google Maps, but it couldn't do it. People keep saying that Google is going take over the world, but I find it hard to believe that they could take it over if they don't even know the directions for how to get from DC to Kigali.]

So, we're excited, really excited...and starting to ache a little bit more for our son or daughter each day. Thanks to each of you who are coming along with us on this journey (figuratively, of course), and especially to the incredible people who sacrificed lots of their precious time and stuff to make the yard sale such a huge success this weekend. I was overcome with gratitude in a way that I have rarely been in my life. We're very blessed.

Next big step: Rwandan Ministry of Family and Gender approval
Timing: Several months...we'll keep you in the loop in the meantime

"Thank you" just doesn't seem like enough.

What a day!!! I don't know if you can tell from this picture (I'm not so good with photography), but the quantity and quality of donations for the Yard Sale was completely OVERWHELMING!!! I think all of us were shocked, excited and at least a little terrified on Thursday morning when the car loads and subsequent boxes just kept on coming. Since my words won't adequately communicate the emotions I've felt the past 72 hours, I'll just share some of the moments I'll always treasure from the last few days:

• Thursday morning a new friend mentioned that a few weeks ago she had driven her child's crib, bedding, rug, etc. to a consignment shop, got there, and just couldn't sell it. She didn't know why, but she turned around and took it home. Then when she heard about our adoption she thought perhaps we might need a crib and offered it to us! What a gift! I'd SO much rather get to use a friend's crib and bedding than get our own! And, can you believe that the adorable pattern for the bedding is African animals? When she was offering it to me her eyes started brimming with tears, and then mine did, and then both of ours started spilling down our faces a bit. What a sweet moment for both of us. I can't wait to see our child in that crib. Later that morning another new friend offered us her Britax carseat since we'll be needing two now. The thoughtfulness and generosity of these friends is remarkable.
• On Thursday morning I walked in the room where the donations were located for our "how are we going to organize all this stuff" meeting, and the number of gifts took my breath away. One member of the church MADE a beatiful crib blanket for a baby just for the yard sale. One person donated furniture--multiple pieces--she'd worked so hard on, that could get LOTS of money if she sold it to a consignment shop or on craigslist, but instead she wanted to donate it for us. The crazy thing, though, was that a few minutes after I walked into the room where the unbelievable number of donations were located, I found out that NONE of the (about 20) people there had unloaded their cars yet. Everything in there had been brought in advance by other people at the church. People we've never met. People we probably never will meet. All graciously giving their treasures for the sake of another. How beautiful is that?!
• I need to mention my friend Kelly Blanchard who was the grand organizer of this whole thing. Kelly's been a good friend since our first year in Richmond and she's such a gift to me. We were in the same Bible study years ago and I've always felt a special bond with her. She has a huge heart for adoption, in part because her younger brother was adopted. She's been so supportive and encouraging throughout this process, and months ago she asked if she could do something for us...and this AMAZING Yard sale is the fruit of her creativity and organization. I'm so excited to walk life with Kelly, to have her be an "auntie" to our kids, to have her seek me out to know whether we're adjusting okay or not... just to have her around. Thanks so much friend.
• Upon hearing about the proceeds of the Yard Sale going to an international adoption, complete strangers hugged me, wished me well, (without me being around) decided not to ask for change or wrote a check to donate money on top of their purchases, told stories about people they know who have adopted, etc. I LOVE how events like this can make what could be a transactional experience transformational, encouraging and relational.
• 2 of my friends not in the Bible study asked if they could somehow participate in helping. Alisa brought us a CAR FULL of great items...most of which went quickly at the sale. And then she showed up and bought some things too! Chrissy came to the pricing party to help us organize everything, brought some donations and made Peanut Butter pie (yum) for the bake sale. I'm continually amazed at the wonderful people God has surrounded us with and these two friends are clear examples.
• A newer friend, Sarah Birckhead, gave TONS of time, creativity and organization to this weekend's events. I think she was there from start to finish (7-10 on Friday night) and 6:30 am-2 pm on Saturday. She was faithfully present, cheerful and generous in every way.
• One new friend has a 3 month old, came to the pricing party on Friday night and worked until 10, then went home and baked for the bake sale until well after midnight, even though she knew that sleep is never a promise with a newborn. Then she showed up in the morning with her baked goods and cheery self to help out.
• Longest distance traveled to come to our Yard Sale goes to my cousin Eric and his wife Elim who came from OKLAHOMA. Okay so they were already on their way to Virginia Beach. Minor detail :). But they still were exhausted from lots of driving and hung out for an hour! They're so great!
• My friend Carly came and watched Lucy for a bunch of the Yard Sale so Hunter and I could talk to people and help out. What I should say is that Carly came to the Yard Sale, probably planning for a 15 minute stop-in, and she quickly identified that watching Lucy would be a big help. So she stayed for an hour and a half just to play with her. She's such a dear, kindhearted, selfless friend.
• I won't mention any names, but someone I met only a few months ago JOYFULLY wrote a $500 check for us. I'm SO thankful for this financial gift, but I am FLOORED and overwhelmed with joy and gratitude at what God must be doing in someone's heart to make them do something like that. I feel freed to give up more of my "treasures", more of what I hold tightly because of this act of love and generosity.
• Okay, since some of you are probably curious, these friends raised a grand total of $2,056.67 through this yard sale. GOODNESS GRACIOUS! Can you believe it?! I was totally shocked, overwhelmed and delighted. I'm so thankful for this financial provision and I'm excited to get creative about how to best use half of the resources for the orphanage. Let me know if you have any ideas! Towards the end of the adoption process we'll be in touch with the Sisters at the orphanage and will know some of the needs they have, but I'd love it if people can help us with ideas!
• It didn't rain a single DROP from 6 am to 2 pm and about 10 minutes after we cleared out the last bit of leftovers (sending them to an amazing ministry another woman in our Bible study participates in) it started POURING. I'm so thankful God made such a beautiful day in Richmond today.
• As wonderful as today was for our family, it was even more wonderful for our friends the Greers who arrived in Rwanda to meet their son, Myles, for the first time. Please check it out, you'll be touched: http://www.milestomyles.blogspot.com/. I asked Laurel to squeeze every single kid in the orphanage telling them how deeply loved they are. These two events coinciding (the Greers in Rwanda and the Yard Sale today) makes our adoption feel so much more real and so much closer. Likely they're meeting our child this week, though we won't know it for a while. Sigh. Here's a picture of Myles laughing during their first visit, but you can check out more on their blog:

I could keep going and going because there really are so many amazing people and stories from today, but I'll stop since I need to get some sleep.

Here are some other pictures from the last few days. I'm so thankful to everyone who played a part in making this day so meaningful and precious for our family--everyone who donated items, time, baked DELICIOUS goodies for the bake sale, came to buy things, etc. It really feels somehow like our child is a little closer now. Thank you for being a part of that.

The DeVriendts and Passmores:



Lucy and Cadence in the adorable chair a friend remade:


Just a few of the baby items we had:

Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, where it was located:

A few of the AMAZING women who pulled this thing off so spectacularly!:

The Wijesooriyas and Avulas!

Our long travelers!