Sigh...admitting my fears and getting delayed

Yesterday afternoon I sat down to write an email to the other families adopting from Rwanda. I felt like I needed to admit to them that while I know I "should" be excited their paperwork is finished too, I'm actually not excited at all. Sure, I've had some moments of feeling genuinely happy for families...especially ones that are way ahead of us who are about to pick up their children. But for the most part, even though it hurts my pride to admit my ugly heart, it would be a lie to say I'm excited for all the families who are ahead of us in the process, or even the ones behind us.

And it isn't just because I'm competitive...although I'm sure some of that is at play as well.

The biggest reason I'm not joyful when I "should" be is because I'm allowing fear to rule me instead of peace. Rwanda is newly open to adoption in the United States, so they're just now figuring out their process. I'm concerned that now that there are 20-30 families with dossiers in Rwanda, their government is going to freak out because of the sudden influx and they'll decide to shut down international adoption. Or I'm concerned that the government is going to want to make sure they're not just approving everyone who applies, so they'll pick out flaws in a few families and deny them (Hunter and I are well under the recommended age of 35, so, in my mind, we'll be the first ones to go). The list goes on and on. And the concerns are legitimate.

A quick disclaimer: I DON'T think the answer is "Everything will be fine. You're doing this for God so He'll make it happen." God hasn't promised this adoption will go well. The Bible doesn't say that if people try to do His will or try to do "good" things, that everything will work out for them (in the ways they want anyway). In fact, it says a lot of things to the contrary...to expect suffering, to expect hardship. One verse in 1 Peter says "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ..."

We aren't promised that we'll end up with our child at the end of this process. If we do get our child, we aren't promised they'll adjust well, that they'll end up being healthy. ETC.

Some people ask, why take on more risk then? Life is hard enough, why risk that you'll wind up with a broken heart in this process? Or why risk bringing extra hardship or suffering into your family?

To keep it simple, we feel like God has taken us on this journey and, in our sanest moments, He's everything to us. Where else are we going to go but where He leads? Regarding the added risks, though, it definitely helps that we've had some good Bible teaching and we (in our heads) know that we're not promised life is going to be easy, but we ARE promised God's grace will be sufficient to take us through. So, for now, we're just banking on that and we're trying to build upon that solid foundation so that when the storms come--and they WILL come for all of us--our house will be ready.

So anyway, when I sat down yesterday to write my email I was in a pretty good place, able to admit that I was struggling with several different issues. I asked these new friends to pray that I wouldn't be ruled by fearful thoughts, that I wouldn't be paralyzed by the "what ifs" but that I would walk forward confidently and joyfully. I started typing the words of Psalm 112: 6-8, which say:

Psalm 112: 6-8:
"Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear;"

And AS I was typing those words, I received an email from our adoption agency telling us that we were going to experience some delays. The process is changing in Rwanda. There are 3 new requirements for which we'll need to submit 3 new pieces of paper, which means we'll need three more notarized, authenticated documents to be sent to the US State Department, then the Rwandan Embassy, then Rwanda.

Sigh.

Of course the news could have been MUCH worse; we could have been denied or the delays could be much longer. That doesn't take away the fact that this news stunk to receive. But the surprising thing was that it didn't floor me. It didn't ruin me. It definitely was painful and frustrating to find out that we're probably a month further away from the end of this process than we thought on Monday, but (I think) because God prepared me for it, my reception of the news was totally different than it would have been had I not been reflecting on the nature of fear earlier that day. I imagine I would have started immediately complaining or worrying, but instead, by God's grace, for the most part I was able to let it roll off my back.

Now, before you start thinking I'm great or something, let me just say that 1) I started complaining 15 minutes later, 2) Hunter and I fought on the phone multiple times today because we're both frustrated, and 3) I've spent a large chunk of time today feeling sorry for myself and overwhelmed (going in and out of frustration) trying to figure out how to get doctor's appointments for today, how to get a notary to meet us there (Isa you're the best!!!!), so I can get to the Secretary of the Commonwealth's office tomorrow morning and then to DC on Friday to the Department of State and Rwandan Embassy. BUT, in the midst of the uncertainty and chaos, I can't pretend that I don't feel a wonderful peace as well.

So, there's the update. I'm thankful God is teaching me lots about His way being different than mine. I am thankful that it looks like we'll be able to get the paperwork submitted early next week so it should be off to Rwanda again within the month. But I'm not thankful, though, that our dossier is going to be delayed which means we're getting to our kiddo slower than we thought.

All for now.