confessions...warning: a little intense

If you're here to feel motivated and encouraged about adoption or updated about the particulars of Isaiah joining our family, you might want to check back in a few days. I've been meaning to write about this for a while now and am finally taking the time to do it.

The following are some pretty significant ways I've struggled internally while Hunter and I have lived in a somewhat blighted Richmond neighborhood, as I've worked for a few pretty incredible international organizations and as we've gone through Isaiah's adoption process. I want to share them because I think it is easy for people to think (too) well of people who adopt or who do other things motivated by faith that aren't exactly mainstream. And, I think it is also easy for those of us who are doing those things to think too highly or too often about ourselves and what we're doing to serve God. I'm still struggling with these issues and being humbled by the crevices of my heart; still continually needing grace and forgiveness, though I can now name several of them.

So with the warning that this isn't going to be a chipper, rah-rah post, let me summarize what will follow with the statement that over the past several years God has graciously exposed in me the reality that many of my motives for living where we live, choosing my vocation (where I work for an organization that creatively and dignifyingly (webster?) responds to the needs of those who are poor), adopting a son from Rwanda, etc. have nothing to do with obedience. Have nothing to do with following God. Have nothing to do with a humble sacrifice. But have a LOT to do with managing the way I want people to perceive me and going the way I want to go.

Okay, maybe that's too strong. But, the point is valid. I'm going to use a couple of ruining (for me) quotations and then explain some of these impure motives. Surely our motives aren't only impure (I was, like you, made in God's image after all), but I have a managed to twist even some of the beautiful ways God made me so that I receive glory and credit instead of Him. And I want to tell you about it. I hope that by admitting some of these issues I can invite others of you to consider your motives and be stripped (if necessary) of some of those ugly places in you too. It is a humbling, painful and sometimes difficult process but I believe it leads to a lot more joy, richer relationships and a more abundant life. At least it has for me.

1. "I love my reputation for knowing God more than I love God." Reread that. Ouch. A while back, like many of you, I made a decision about whose approval I most wanted. For some of you it is your boss. Your parents. Your spouse. ETC. For me, it is radically faithful Christians (the ones who live among the poor). Mother Teresa types.

I have the most respect for their faith and thus I want to emulate it and I want them to think well of me too. Now of course I can't pretend like there is no genuine faith mixed in for me...there definitely is. I know that God has given me strong faith. I'm just saying that my actions are also persuaded by the approval and affirmation I'll receive from the people I respect most.

Further, we happen to live in a time when American Christians are, for the most part, respected and honored if they are on the right side of global justice and poverty issues. That's a really good shift in the church since she was rightly accused of neglecting those issues before. But, decisions to work for international organizations serving the poor, then, might have very little to do with obedience...we could be merely following a really positive fad. For some of the wrong reasons (approval, acclaim, fitting in, status, etc.). Sigh.

2. “Nothing disciplines the inordinate desires of the flesh like service, and nothing transforms the desires of the flesh like serving in hiddenness. The flesh whines against service but screams against hidden service. It pulls for honor and recognition. It will devise subtle, religiously acceptable means to call attention to the service rendered.” - Richard Foster

Blogging can be really, really spiritually dangerous, friends. It can be a really useful, beautiful tool for informing people about your life, encouraging and spurring others on...and it can also be a tool to manipulate life to make people think well of you. You can start basing your worth in the number of (positive) comments you receive and the number of "hits" on your website. It is really sickening and there have been a few times throughout this journey when I've wondered if, for my own spiritual good, I needed to stop writing.

Matthew 6: 1-8: Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then, your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”

Sometimes I think we believe that it is only the materially rich who are reaping their rewards on earth, “where moth and rust destroy.” But, friends, you and I are tempted by a different form of pre-eternal reward: man’s acclaim for our works of righteousness. Every time we strive for attention, subtly manipulate a conversation or Facebook update to communicate something we’re doing for Jesus, we are robbing ourselves of true, eternal reward. It is always interesting to me that Jesus doesn’t say we won’t get a reward if we do our ‘acts of righteousness’ this way. He simply and devastatingly says we get our reward in full; we just get it here (from man), and not here and later (from our Father.)

It is tricky, though, when it comes to blogging and other means of influence. Foster in the same article later talks about how true service doesn’t fear the lights and blare of attention. Some of you are going to be in positions of God-given influence. But, you should be cautioned in this way so you don't let the attention injure your soul. I’m not suggesting we never tell people about what God's doing, but I’m suggesting that we ask God to examine our motives when we’re doing it. How much of it is to encourage someone, glorify God and obey him…and how much of it is to make ourselves look good?

I think I'll always struggle with this...but I hope being aware of it will at least help me admit weakness and sin faster and go to battle a little bit better.

(BTW, I want to be clear that in this part I'm not talking about Isaiah joining our family. I think adoption simply fits our family really well. I don't see it as an "Act of righteousness." Yes, we're motivated by Scripture that talks about adoption...but we also feel like we're just a family offering a family to a child made in God's image...who, strangely, has felt like part of our family from the beginning. We're not doing it out of some major act of obedience as if it feels like a sacrifice. It just makes tons of sense to us and we're so stinking excited to have him in our family. WE'RE the ones who feel like we're receiving much on this one.)

3. “Great acts of virtue are rare because they are seldom called for. When the occasion for you to do something great comes, it has its own rewards: the excitement, the respect gained from others, and the pride that will accompany your ability to do such “great” things. To do small things that are right continually, without being noticed, is much more important. These small acts attack your pride, your laziness, your self-centeredness, and your oversensitive nature. It is much more appealing to make great sacrifices to God, however hard they might be, so that you might do whatever you want with the small decisions of your life. Faithfulness in the little things better proves your true love for God. It is the slow, plodding path rather than a passing fit of enthusiasm that matters." Francois Fenelon.

I'm not sure I need to explain myself any further other than to say that I am drawn much more to these great acts of virture and I'm quite selfish with the ways I will serve otherwise. Just ask Hunter or Lucy.

I could go on because these conversations and issues are really really important for our souls. But so is sleep.