conflicted praying

Throughout this process of waiting for our child from Rwanda (whom we now know is Isaiah), Hunter and I have gone through seasons of feeling conflicted while praying for our child. And now as we quickly (praise God!) approach picking him up, we feel conflicted again.

It isn’t that we’re unsure of what we hope and pray for for him: a soft heart towards God, well established and deeply rooted faith, good sleep and nourishment, tender touches from others, a rich sense of his heavenly Father’s love, faith that lends itself to him being able to rejoice in the LORD always (despite circumstances), resilience and humility, that he’d bring joy and light to others even now, etc. And my current bout with discomfort regarding picking him up isn’t that I’m unsure I want Isaiah in our family (good grief, I can’t keep my eyes or mind off him!).

Here’s what’s making us uncomfortable or conflicted: how can we pray for our child in particular when there are so many of his friends who won’t end up in families? How can we pray for special acts of kindness directed at him when we want all of the children to be specially touched and cared for? (This really paralyzed me for a while). How can we rejoice in meeting our son while we leave so many children behind (not only where our son lived…but all over the world)? I’m not trying to sound super compassionate or holy or anything. I’m just practically saying that praying for something special for our son feels somewhat unfair or selfish sometimes.

During the long stretch when we didn’t know who our particular child was, this ache was even more acute. Literally every kid at Home of Hope was “ours”. Has that really changed? Who is my father, mother, brother, sister, daughter, son? Are we not a family, all across the world, of children made in our heavenly Father’s image? Aren't we all somewhat responsible to every other human?

Anyway, as we continue this journey to pick up our son, I’ll continue to rejoice (I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY rejoice) as Isaiah joins our family and continue to pray for specific things for people in our particular family…but I’ll also continue to feel conflicted about who my family is and ask God to show me what that means and how to pray.

May we feel compelled by God’s mercy and love towards us, because of the way he adopted US into his family, to obediently love others in whatever ways God shows us, until God places every single lonely one into a family. Until he restores everything that’s broken. Until he wipes every tear. Until all his promises are fulfilled. Pray with me for Isaiah’s friends. Our brothers and sisters.