a conservative approach

So, I thought it might be helpful (to some) to describe the way we're approaching Isaiah's transition into our family. Of course in some ways, what we're doing is an everyday thing: we're just adding another family member to our family. Families grow from 3 to 4 people all the time; why all the fuss?

Well, I guess there are a lot of reasons. Until probably 7 years ago I didn't know any of them... and then I met two friends whose families adopted many children and better understood (or heard about, anyway) the challenges adoptive children and families face. And then until about 6 months ago I didn't know much about the details of reasons for challenges, strategies to mitigate them, etc...and now I've read a lot about it. I'm no expert but I'm trying to get resourced with a lot of information and help so that when challenges come, we won't be so shocked.

A few qualifiers before we start:

1. It is dangerous to talk about parenting strategies/approaches because inevitably people end up feeling (or getting) judged. While I will share our planned approach here, I want to tell you that I'm not that confident in myself and when I feel like I'm failing or I'm not sure what to do in a situation, I plan on praying. Praying and asking for help. Praying and asking for forgiveness. Praying and asking for grace. Praying and asking for wisdom from friends. If we disagree, I'm okay with that and hope to learn from what you're doing. In no way have I figured this thing out... which leads me to the second point...
2. Every. single. kid. is. different. I don't think fully adopting a method of parenting is nimble or human enough. Every kid is different and every parent is different. All the resources I've read and people I've talked to are helpful, but they will not know Isaiah (or Lucy) better than me and they won't have integrated my story (or Hunter's) well enough either. They'll know some things but not all things. So, while we'll implement tons of what we've learned, we will try not to forget that God uniquely made our children. that he planned the time when they would join our family. That their needs will be different than we anticipate (probably some easier, some harder). So, in some ways, if you and I are doing different things with/for our kids, hopefully part of that is reflecting our Maker who made them and us differently. Or, if it happens to be a right or wrong situation, I hope we'll have the grace to talk to one another respectfully, timidly, humbly and prayerfully.
3. We live in a broken world. While we're going to do everything we think we should to help our children experience life as God intends them to... we also declare that we live in a world still in need of the fulfillment of what Jesus promised. We don't expect life to be easy, for us or our children. While some of these techniques along with God's grace may help our children feel more whole here on earth, our children will never be complete here. There will inevitably be aches and pains and while we want to find ways to help our kids cope well here, most of all we want to point them to a Savior who promises to mend everything that's broken, some here and some later.

With that said, here's what I mean by we're taking "a conservative approach."

Well, there's a lot of research and literature out there now on Attachment Parenting in adoption. To way oversimplify and summarize, when children are young, they are meant to go through various stages of emotional development. Apparently healthy emotional development best and most commonly occurs in a supportive, interactive, loving environment within a family context. According to Deborah Gray, one of the many attachment pyschologists, "Children who arrive in their permanent families later in childhood often have developmental delays. Loving touch, rocking, cuddling, bathing, encouraging direct eye contact--just some of the basic building blocks of early nurture--may feel unfamiliar or even threatening to them." Adoptive parents have to take the time and energy to help their children catch up.

So, our underlying assumption as we move forward is that while 1) God is good and capable of working miracles despite what research tells us and 2) the sisters at Home of Hope did an excellent job nurturing and caring for Isaiah's needs with the limited resources available to them, we're going to assume that Isaiah and we will need to work through parts of the attachment cycle that should have been mastered well before 2.

I've visited a lot of orphanages, many in Africa, and one of the saddest things to me is the way the kids RUN up and practically leap into your arms asking to be held and touched. Sweet 2,3 and 4 years olds are grabbing at my legs and arms, hoping I'll hold them. Why's that so sad? Well, Lucy would NEVER do that. Lucy SHOULD NEVER do that. She should never do that with a complete stranger, that is. It is entirely appropriate for a child to hide from and resist being touched by someone they don't know.

So a conservative approach regarding attachment and Isaiah means that while Isaiah might transition into our family virtually seamlessly and he might effortlessly bond with me and be ready to go out and about our normal activities, we're going to assume those things won't happen without structure and we're going to lay low for a while and take it slow bonding with him and assuring him of our care. Here are some specific examples of that (for more reading, please check out Dr. Deborah Gray's "Attaching in Adoption" or "The Connected Child" by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross.):

1. When we meet him I'm going to RESTRAIN myself as much as possible. I'm actually hoping the sister who brings him to us won't be holding him and won't try to put him in my arms. I mean, of course I'm DYING to hold him, but I'm hoping we'll get to give him the chance to call the shots a little bit. Feel a little more comfortable in the first moments we have with him. If he was younger I wouldn't be as worried about this...but since he's older, I imagine this is going to scare the crap out of him and I want to be as gracious about it as we can.

2. We won't get to have him stay with us the first 2-3 nights. While this will break our hearts (and we don't really have control over it), I think it is really good for Isaiah's initial adjustment to us. How terrifying would it be to meet people for the first time, be taken away from the only people you know in the world and never return?! I know other people have different thoughts on this, but I'm thankful that we have to do it this way. I'm so thankful that Isaiah loves his caretaker at Home of Hope and I'm glad that we'll spend our first afternoon with him on his turf. Then we'll take him to spend most of the day with us on day 2 (away from HOH) and then on Day 3 hopefully we'll get to have him stay with us for good...but we might be flexible on that if he still seems really stressed or scared. Once we keep him with us at night, later that week we'll go back to HOH and say goodbye. While it is going to KILL me to let him sleep elsewhere the first two nights, I think it is gracious to him.

3. If he avoids or refuses eye contact, which is pretty classic when transitioning, we'll use stickers on our noses to let him play with them. When his hands and eyes move towards my nose, it will draw his eyes pretty close to mine. and we'll try to make him trust that we love him when we look at him in the eye. Lots of playing and attempts at eye contact.

4. I'm going to carry him in a sling for a while. All 31 pounds of him :). We'll use other "babying" techniques...not sure which ones yet.

5. With the exception of grandparents, we're not going to let other people feed, bathe, clothe, give really big hugs, babysit, etc. for a while. This one feels like the hardest for everyone. What we understand about it, though, is that he likely will be more than happy to be passed around the room. He doesn't have a sense of who he's supposed to be with (us). Who he's supposed to count on (parents). and that's not healthy for him going forward. here's the way one adoptive family put it as they tried to explain it to their family and friends:

"Our daughter is still learning the meaning of a family. She does best and is happiest when she is getting the amount of structure that she needs. That is why she is trying to get into your lap and treat you like her new mommy. if she had developed a relationship with you over the last several years, the lap sitting would be fine. But she has never met you before! As it is, she is still choosing to get close to people she just met, but afraid to get close to her family. That is why we cannot allow her to sit on your lap yet. She needs to learn that family members are safe to love and love deeply. Otherwise, she will continue believing that people are replacable; nobody is worth caring for deeply."

So, while it is going to KILL me/us to keep him to ourselves a lot, we're going to try to secure that initial attachment with us before we let him find out just how desperately everyone around us wants to squeeze and love on him too :) (I read this about how to encourage folks who are close to us about their role at first "team members need to learn that until children are well-attached to their parents, big hugs, lap-sitting, long gazes, and being carried are intimate expressions of love reserved for members of the nuclear family--with the possible exception of grandparents....after some attachment has formed, parents can ease off this exclusivity. Tell friends that this early attachment work parallels the arrangement parents have with infants--the parents do the feeding.")

Okay, this is getting long and I still haven't given many helpful examples. Sorry...it is a complex thing. Again, please know that this isn't the Bible. I don't think everyone needs to do the same thing...but I think this is how we're going to approach parenting Isaiah. We may shift and be ready for less cautious methods quickly or it may be a while...we're going to pray and lot and see.