thinking about what it will be like...

Some days I get so excited to pick up our kid (okay, that's a major understatement. Every day, like 50 times a day I get so excited to pick up our kid.)...but it is a mixed bag. When I'm honest and thinking not just about my joy in getting this kid, I feel really, really sad and scared about what they're about to go through (and what we're about to put them through). I absolutely think having this kiddo join our family is better than having this child raised in an orphanage. From what I hear, the sisters (nuns) who care of our kids do an incredible job with their limited resources (people and otherwise)...but I believe strongly that a family is a better option for children. The nuns feel that way too...they've commented to each of our friends who've adopted from Rwanda to please encourage families to adopt. The need is overwhelming and the option of a family is so much better for these kids.

Anyway, I am obviously so excited to meet our sweet child, to hold him/her, to tell him/her how much I love them. How I've longed to meet them. I can't wait to squeeze him/her super tight every single time I put em down and give em a big smooch on the cheek (the way I still do with Lucy pretty much everytime I put her down). But I'm aware of how shocking this is going to feel for our child. How too soon, too fast it might feel. How foreign and perhaps even a bit inappropriate (to them) it might seem. I just read this creative article about some emotions our child may go through as they leave every single person in the world they know and it made me so sad to know our child is going to go through this trauma. Removing a child from the only world they've ever known (and the only people they've ever known) seems so overwhelming. It almost feels unloving. But, of course, it isn't... it is just a tragically broken world where there aren't perfect, easy solutions. We will likely have to work hard and consistently to help our child trust us, to understand we are their loving parents and not just the next in line to care for them short term. (Just so you know, before you read the article, our child will not have a transition home like is described in the analogy.)

http://voicesofadoption.rainbowkids.com/ExpertArticleDetails.aspx?id=49&title=A Different Perspective

Please pray for our child, even now, that our embraces will feel somehow comfortable, comforting and normal...even though they haven't met us before. That the transition will be smooth--not just for Hunter, Lucy and me--but especially for our child. Pray for their emotional health during the confusion of the first several months. Pray for us, that we'll have the grace we need each day to handle what God brings.

Since I'm apt to comparing adoption to pregnancy...let's remind ourselves that it is pretty traumatizing for a kid to go through the birth canal as well. I mean TRAUMATIZING. I'm just sayin. Hunter, I promise I won't scream as much while laboring #2.

the nuns choosing our child

Probably this week or next week the nuns at Mother Teresa's orphanage in Kigali, Rwanda will be selecting our child...whom we believe God has known forever. After all, he knit him/her together in his mother's womb (while knitting him/her in my heart).

Please pray for the nuns who will select our child, that they'll "just know". This is the one. That the medical tests would be run successfully and quickly and that our paperwork will get on the Minister's desk ASAP.

A deep exhaustion has finally hit me. I'm so thankful and relieved we got our approval and I think the next few days will feel very different than before. Don't get me wrong, I'll still be longing and aching for our child, but I'm not as guarded or nervous about my joy or excitement with 'what if we get denied' thoughts.

Please pray for the really incredible role these nuns play in our child's life. I've been told that they work so hard and are so loving and gentle with our kids...that they prepare them to have families. They do all they can with what they have, to love and care for our kids. I'm forever grateful.

Thanks again for journeying with us. We feel so loved and supported. We can't wait for you to meet our next precious child.

APPROVAL Approval Approval!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I mean it. Can you believe my SHOCK AND SURPRISE when I checked my email this morning and had one telling me of our APPROVAL?!?!

This is literally the best birthday ever. I've been glowing all day long. I just can't believe it. I'm so so so so thankful.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Thanks to all of you who've loved and supported us so well through this. Count down for referral (when we'll know gender/age, story, get pictures, etc.) Pray for the nuns who will select our kid in the next couple of weeks. We'll hear something within two months...probably closer to the two month marker.

This is me. Still in shock. wooo hooooooo!

Dear wonderful government officials in Rwanda:

Ahem. Did you know it is my birthday on Sunday? Hint, hint.
I'm just sayin.

it's not you it's me

I'm sorry I've been MIA for a while. Those of you who have been pregnant before know what it feels like the last several weeks of pregnancy when "it could happen at any minute." People are always calling, wondering...they're totally kind, supportive and well intentioned... but you know what I'm getting at. You consider avoiding pretty much any gatherings of people to dodge the looks and the question: "you still haven't had that baby?" Nope...as you can see...I still haven't had that baby. (What do you think was the first clue for them?)

And then for the pregnant mama, (especially with #1 I bet), you're Googling like crazy or talking to other moms about all the symptoms you're feeling: "left eye hurts" "labor"; "back pain, splotchy skin, labor". And so on. Every little change in the way your body feels makes you feel like "this is it!" And then nothing. Well, I'm obsessing the same way with this one. I'm checking my email a lot, looking for any "symptoms" that news could be coming soon (mostly checking others blogs to see if they got their approval).

Anyway, that's what the last couple of weeks have been like. When we heard from the Rwandan government that we should be hearing of our approval soon...and now it has been a month. I'm not super frustrated, just ready. And actually, I'm really thankful for everyone who asks, prays and mentions their love and concern for our child to us. It makes my day and increases my love for you... but sometimes I'm a little at a loss about what to say in return. Nope, we haven't heard anything yet (blinking tears away). I'm so grateful you care though. Keep calling, texting, commenting...please just forgive me if I'm not as quick to respond.

Poem and prayer about waiting

Friends of ours who helped jumpstart our Rwandan adoption, the Greers, were given a poem one year ago today. The poem was written by Peter's mother as a prayer for Myles, their Rwandan son. Today, friends presented their family with a song-- with the same poem as the lyrics (of course they had no idea until yesterday that it was one year ago TODAY that they received the poem as a gift. Here are the beautiful words:

"Little Myles, we think of you
With wonder, trust and longings too
As first sounds come to infant ears
May they be those that cast out fears.
May others hear your infant cries,
Oh Father, move, that none pass by,
May they wrap you in bunting, tight,
Singing softly, “It’s all right.”
Do you hear our faith-trust-sigh?
That soon dear Myles, you’ll come nigh?
Little one, what do you see ~
Mosquito net or leafy tree?
Oh God of lightness, bring the day,
Keep to him, darkness at bay.
Little one, what do you feel,
The touch of us, for this we kneel?
We pray for those who care for you,
So our embrace won’t seem so new.
Little one, our love grows strong,
This lullaby, our hopeful song.
We wait and watch with grateful hearts,
For you, this gift, which God imparts.
Do you hear our faith-trust-sigh
That soon dear Myles, you’ll come nigh?"

I ache.

our friends picking up their kids...and our trip to the Outer Banks

No news for our family, but these 3 families are in Rwanda right now picking up their kiddos. Kara (Higgins) and I met in Kansas City several months back and have been praying for each other throughout this whole waiting period. I'm thrilled for their family...especially their newest additions, Zeke and Etienne!

www.higginsadoption.blogspot.com
www.limmerfamilyadventure.blogspot.com
www.lifechange.typepad.com

Hunter and I went away (to the Outer Banks) for our 5 year anniversary. We had a fabulous time and here's some of what we learned while we were away:

1. Macgyver is very much still on television...Hunter watched multiple episodes to prove it. Okay, we both watched multiple episodes.
2. Low(er) riding Honda Accords can drive through 6 inches of rain for 2 miles straight without dying within 9 hours.
3. "The sad truth is that we are like the Pharisees who loved the reputation for knowing God more than they loved God" C. John Miller. Ouch for me.
4. [Enter really sappy/personal comment about how much my love and respect for Hunter has grown in the past 5 years.]
5. It is a rebuilding year for Wake... tough loss on Saturday
6. Hunter's parents and our friend Carly are AMAZING. Lucy played with them while we were out of town and she had a blast. I think she's already bored now that I'm home.
7. We want our freaking approval. Not that we didn't know that before... I'm just sayin. I'm not mad, just ready!

Have a great week!

God is so good!!!!

Sorry if your heart skipped a beat as you read the subject line. We did not get our approval today. I know...I'm a terrible friend for tricking you.

And, what's crazier is that, actually, I'm glad we didn't get our approval today. Okay, okay, I'm not actually glad...that's an overstatement, BUT, I'm thankful I have the chance to say this: God is good today. God was good yesterday. God is going to be good tomorrow. No matter what.

It would have been so easy for me to write lots of pitiful (but honest!) posts about longing...and then if/when approval day comes to say "God is so good!" That's like the whole Old Testament (and perhaps like my whole life). A bunch of whining and grumbling and then people perceive that God has given them what they need and want and they say "God is so good--we'll never question you again." And then they (I) do...over and over again.

This doesn't mean I'm going to pretend like I don't ache. Like I don't long every single day that God would quicken the day that our kid is home with us. We're certainly not supposed to act like things are just fine when in reality, our circumstances (or, in our case, our kid's circumstances) are objectively difficult. But, our joy is supposed to be based in something much deeper and unchanging. And today I feel it and I know that God deserves credit for it. Sorry for robbing Him of it for a while.

So, God is good, even if:

• We don't get our approval this week, next week...or at all
• Our treasured child comes home with permanent medical issues or Lucy, Hunter or I get sick with some kind of permanent medical issue
• Our chosen child comes home with developmental delays
• Our beloved child comes home and has attachment issues
• Our family is ridiculed, stared at and looked down upon
• Our child from Rwanda has identity issues because he/she lives in a family with white parents and a white sister
• Lucy has emotional issues because people always make comments about our other, adorable African child and they don't even notice she's there (catch me on this one please!)

God is unchanging in His goodness. God is good all the time. All the time, God is good!

(Sorry again for tricking you)