thankful

So, I actually wrote a different post earlier today. perhaps some of you read part of or all of it. I decided to remove it for various reasons. But I want to share a few things about the last several days for me, since I posted my last (serious) post.

here's the reader's digest version. and below you'll find the longer version.

reader's digest:

when I/we post or share pictures of ourselves, most of us like to share the ones where we think we look our best. sometimes the picture doesn't even really, accurately look like us. but we look good. that's the way I usually live my life. trying to look, sound, appear good. here's picture a)

but then we always blow it. and sometimes it is nice to admit that we aren't that pretty. that a lot of times we can be really ugly, actually. So the reality is I usually look like this (not 9 months pregnant, but you know):

but Jesus is making me beautiful. in the important kinds of ways.

The longer version of things I've learned this week:

• I wish my thoughts, ideas, faith and passions were more grace saturated. That when God leads our family to things, I wouldn't be threatened by or insecure because of other (different) approaches to life. I wish I would instead delight in the Creator who gifts people to serve Him very differently and very beautifully. Even the way I talk about longing (and calling others) to not be judgmental has a tone of judgment instead of a tone of grace and humility. pray with me that God will really soften all of me. I read a recent post from some sort of friends (you know, this weird adoption blogging world) and as they talked about why their family is adopting again, they said it in such a wonderful way. first talking about the ways many of their other friends have been called to other beautiful things. sincerely enjoying the variety and differences. and then they confidently but not-at-all arrogantly talked about the direction God is leading their family. oh that God would work gentleness, humility and grace into my life in this particular way.
• The way we handle talking about and living the callings on our lives matters. If you're familiar with 1 Cor 13, Adrianne = clanging cymbal and resounding gong. I'm so thankful (and of course broken and feel like vomiting) by the openness of several friends who, after reading my most recent post, have already tenderly and graciously shared with me that, indeed, because of the ways I sometimes act and think, our friendship has sometimes been painful for them. they felt the very things I feared they might have felt. I'm so humbled by people being willing to love me despite the ugliness that's so often present in me. it is new to me to be this vulnerable and in need of real forgiveness in friendship. it is hard. but I bet it will be worth it.
• I'm not alone. several sensitive friends wrote to me (or talked to me) sharing about how, though they haven't adopted, they've thought and acted similarly about other choices in their own lives. who they vote for. where they shop (thrift store, consignment, Target, high end, etc.) what foods their kids eat. whether they garden or CSA. what preschool their kids attend. whether they work or don't work as a mom. what church they go to. what kind of house they live in. and on and on. I am hoping that through these conversations, we'll learn to love each other better and learn to love the God who intentionally and beautifully made us all differently. certainly I need to learn that.
• there's a way to share your junk that lets Jesus and his unbelievable grace and forgiveness become central and a way to share your junk that positions you as central. and I need to learn the difference. I'm so glory and attention/approval hungry that if I can make my identity be "the best sin admitter ever", I'll take it. praying Jesus will become more central in every way for me.
• Letting your junk out there for the world to see and examine is really scary. showing my real (sometimes) self is terrifying and freeing all at the same time. while I feel pretty terrified that people don't have to (and this week I feel like they shouldn't want to) be my friend. I'm delighting in and feeling surprised and joyful because of the Father's love for me. what an unfair thing?! I get all the treasures of heaven, even though I've tried to steal glory from God. I've not loved His children well. I've failed to delight in the presence of His image on everyone he made. And yet, I get everything that Jesus deserved. and he got death and separation from God. I'm reminded that when I was an enemy of God (a lot of the ways I still act), Jesus died for me. even though I have such an ugly heart a lot of the time, Jesus is standing at the right hand of God telling him that I can't be punished for my ugly sins because he already paid for them. He's showing the Father His wounds, proving my righteousness before God.

Oh may that deeply change my heart and my behavior. may it make me quiet when I should be quiet. and vocal when I should be vocal. may it cause everything I say and do to be saturated by that same grace. may it make me encourage others to see the beauty of God in them. may it make me think of myself less often. may it allow me to receive forgiveness and not lose sleep over my reputation. may it help me love others more than I love myself.

happy birthday to me. :)