I made this little video on my birthday (a few days ago), which was the date last year when we received our approval (from Rwanda) to adopt Isaiah. ah the memories. seriously, not sure when I got hit with the sap bug...but it is out of control. Please notice that when the line "love and pride can occupy the same spaces" comes, there is a picture of Hunter and me. it should just be me. how true is that statement? God is teaching me and changing me, I hope. And I love the line "if we go looking for offense, we're gonna find it." pretty darn true, huh?
a year ago right now were the times when I was up most of the night starting at 3 am, knowing that MIGEPROF was open for business and might email me our referral. well, actually, I had already struggled with that for a few months, but the next 2 1/2 months were the most intensely painful and gut wrenching ones I've experienced in life so far. I'm so thankful for the ways God has shaped me through the wait and through having Isaiah in our family. but it wasn't and isn't easy.
Praying for the waiting families, especially Rwanda ones. love you all!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
thankful
So, I actually wrote a different post earlier today. perhaps some of you read part of or all of it. I decided to remove it for various reasons. But I want to share a few things about the last several days for me, since I posted my last (serious) post.
here's the reader's digest version. and below you'll find the longer version.
reader's digest:
when I/we post or share pictures of ourselves, most of us like to share the ones where we think we look our best. sometimes the picture doesn't even really, accurately look like us. but we look good. that's the way I usually live my life. trying to look, sound, appear good. here's picture a)
but then we always blow it. and sometimes it is nice to admit that we aren't that pretty. that a lot of times we can be really ugly, actually. So the reality is I usually look like this (not 9 months pregnant, but you know):
but Jesus is making me beautiful. in the important kinds of ways.
The longer version of things I've learned this week:
- I wish my thoughts, ideas, faith and passions were more grace saturated. That when God leads our family to things, I wouldn't be threatened by or insecure because of other (different) approaches to life. I wish I would instead delight in the Creator who gifts people to serve Him very differently and very beautifully. Even the way I talk about longing (and calling others) to not be judgmental has a tone of judgment instead of a tone of grace and humility. pray with me that God will really soften all of me. I read a recent post from some sort of friends (you know, this weird adoption blogging world) and as they talked about why their family is adopting again, they said it in such a wonderful way. first talking about the ways many of their other friends have been called to other beautiful things. sincerely enjoying the variety and differences. and then they confidently but not-at-all arrogantly talked about the direction God is leading their family. oh that God would work gentleness, humility and grace into my life in this particular way.
- The way we handle talking about and living the callings on our lives matters. If you're familiar with 1 Cor 13, Adrianne = clanging cymbal and resounding gong. I'm so thankful (and of course broken and feel like vomiting) by the openness of several friends who, after reading my most recent post, have already tenderly and graciously shared with me that, indeed, because of the ways I sometimes act and think, our friendship has sometimes been painful for them. they felt the very things I feared they might have felt. I'm so humbled by people being willing to love me despite the ugliness that's so often present in me. it is new to me to be this vulnerable and in need of real forgiveness in friendship. it is hard. but I bet it will be worth it.
- I'm not alone. several sensitive friends wrote to me (or talked to me) sharing about how, though they haven't adopted, they've thought and acted similarly about other choices in their own lives. who they vote for. where they shop (thrift store, consignment, Target, high end, etc.) what foods their kids eat. whether they garden or CSA. what preschool their kids attend. whether they work or don't work as a mom. what church they go to. what kind of house they live in. and on and on. I am hoping that through these conversations, we'll learn to love each other better and learn to love the God who intentionally and beautifully made us all differently. certainly I need to learn that.
- there's a way to share your junk that lets Jesus and his unbelievable grace and forgiveness become central and a way to share your junk that positions you as central. and I need to learn the difference. I'm so glory and attention/approval hungry that if I can make my identity be "the best sin admitter ever", I'll take it. praying Jesus will become more central in every way for me.
- Letting your junk out there for the world to see and examine is really scary. showing my real (sometimes) self is terrifying and freeing all at the same time. while I feel pretty terrified that people don't have to (and this week I feel like they shouldn't want to) be my friend. I'm delighting in and feeling surprised and joyful because of the Father's love for me. what an unfair thing?! I get all the treasures of heaven, even though I've tried to steal glory from God. I've not loved His children well. I've failed to delight in the presence of His image on everyone he made. And yet, I get everything that Jesus deserved. and he got death and separation from God. I'm reminded that when I was an enemy of God (a lot of the ways I still act), Jesus died for me. even though I have such an ugly heart a lot of the time, Jesus is standing at the right hand of God telling him that I can't be punished for my ugly sins because he already paid for them. He's showing the Father His wounds, proving my righteousness before God.
Oh may that deeply change my heart and my behavior. may it make me quiet when I should be quiet. and vocal when I should be vocal. may it cause everything I say and do to be saturated by that same grace. may it make me encourage others to see the beauty of God in them. may it make me think of myself less often. may it allow me to receive forgiveness and not lose sleep over my reputation. may it help me love others more than I love myself.
happy birthday to me. :)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
nearly overwhelming
what I said before we met him:
- When we meet him I'm going to RESTRAIN myself as much as possible. I'm actually hoping the sister who brings him to us won't be holding him and won't try to put him in my arms. I mean, of course I'm DYING to hold him, but I'm hoping we'll get to give him the chance to call the shots a little bit. Feel a little more comfortable in the first moments we have with him. If he was younger I wouldn't be as worried about this...but since he's older, I imagine this is going to scare the crap out of him and I want to be as gracious about it as we can.
what I felt while he approached us for the first time (one of my favorite simple lines in a book ever):
- the temptation to cuddle [him] was nearly overwhelming
what actually happened
I guess more accurately I should have said that the temptation to cuddle him was completely overwhelming.
and it still is.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
adoption righteousness
Sometimes I provide warnings at the beginning of my posts. usually that means I'm about to confess my junk. The warning is there because, for whatever reason, people may not want to read it (it may lead you to have a lower opinion of me, yourself, or it make you feel really conflicted and confused. Or all of the above.)
consider yourself warned.
So, I was listening to this sermon from Tim Keller yesterday. I think it was the third or fourth time I've listened to this particular sermon. it is that good. it is on the passage in Luke 18: 9-14 where Jesus tells a story about two men who are praying. the one is a Pharisee (religious leader) and he basically prays about how awesome he is. let's make sure we're tracking. he prays about how awesome he (himself) is. while talking about how relatively terrible other people are. and that's his whole prayer.
the other person is a tax collector, who can barely even hold up his head because of his shame. He only prays for God's mercy and forgiveness, knowing his unworthiness before God. The tax collector leaves justified and the Pharisee does not.
There is a ton to say about this story. but most of you come here to think and talk about adoption, so I'll limit my thoughts to something Keller said that ruined me in a good way. Just so you know, the same approach could be applied in regard to public schooling/home schooling, urban living, church planting, etc.
The passage actually starts out "To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down upon everybody else".
ouch already. He might as well have said “To Adrianne Thompson.”
I'm not sure if you've struggled with this as much as I have. but when I follow God to something He's called us to—perhaps especially something like adoption that leads us to a place where we receive attention (that may be good or it may be bad. but in our situation it is certainly not avoidable.) anyway, when God shows me something in particular that I should do, so commences the "look down on everyone who is not doing it that way so I can think better of myself" ugliness.
In the sermon on this passage, Keller notes something interesting that I've never seen. He calls it cultural imperialism. In the story, the Pharisee starts listing why he is better than other people: he doesn't rob (that's in the Bible). he doesn't commit adultery (that's in the Bible). he doesn't steal (that's in the Bible). he tithes (that's in the Bible). but then there is this really interesting thing that happens. The Pharisee slips something in to his, otherwise Biblically accurate, (though unhealthy in self exaltation and he probably minimizes the sins) list. He says: I fast twice a week.
Now perhaps God told him to fast twice a week. So maybe it was an act of obedience. But by placing it here, in a laundry list of To Dos (or not to dos) where he’s comparing himself at every point with people who he is saying are inferior to him, he is “sneaking it in to the divine will” in order to make himself feel better than other people.
Keller says that “if you are not glory satiated in the center of your being. If you are not filled with a sense of approval in your heart. If you are not utterly sure of who you are. If you do not feel so incredibly valued and loved. Then you’re going to do this too.”
And I have.
So often I have taken things I think God has shown our family to do: adopt, move into the city, participate in a church plant, confess sin somewhat widely, etc. and moved them into the divine will (which means I mistakenly think and/or communicate that if they (whoever they are) were really trying to serve God, they would do them too). Sometimes, because of that, I try to encourage others to follow us and to do the same things we do (thinking that's pointing them to Jesus). And sometimes I hope they won’t so that I can continue to feel special/better than other people. My sin tendencies are confused and plentiful.
both ways are inaccurate and squelch the Spirit's creativity, power and distinctiveness in the lives of believers.
Let me pause to say that it might not actually be super obvious (to you or to others) if you struggle with this. Ask God/the Spirit to help you to know. To search your motives and your heart. Most people wouldn’t easily catch me communicating these ugly things directly. I usually say the right thing (God makes us all differently, gives us different gifts and intends for us to express them in varied ways). But the issues are there if you dig beneath the surface. And it matters. I believe that subtle sins (especially when connected to moral behaviors/self righteousness) are so often the most dangerous and damaging kind.
So what does this really mean? When examined, I’ve realized that so often it isn’t God’s way that I commend to people (which is so much more unpredictable and beautifully varied in its expressions). It is my way that I commend.
Even in my last post while I was trying to point people to look to Jesus to lead their families, I also listed activities for which I want people to think well of me (adoption, considering a move to Rwanda, church plant, etc.) Though I really, honestly want to point others to follow Jesus, I’m sure that on most days I want that to look just like the ways he leads me. so I can feel important, affirmed, influential. Actually it is probably people’s prayers for me after reading that post that are causing me to have a softened heart and better understanding of my sin. And to ask for forgiveness.
I’m almost done, I promise.
Just to make sure I don’t leave this objection out there without some response. While the Bible isn’t clear about the fasting twice a week rule (which is part of why the Pharisees' list is a problem), the Bible obviously says TONS about caring for the widow and orphan.
No question: God commands us to care for the widow and orphan. But some people literally think every Christian, especially in the US, should be adopting (which isn't what the Bible says). Those of us who aren’t so zealous, though, maybe think we're in a better place. but are we merely paying lip service when we say “not everyone should adopt. There are lots of ways to help care for widows/orphans. The important thing is to be somehow engaged?”
When I call it lip service, I guess I’m trying to say that when we say, “not everyone should adopt but all should care,” in our heart of hearts, if we’re willing to look deeply enough, that's not the whole story. some of us also think there is a moral superiority continuum. And those who adopt are at the top.
Maybe that’s too strong. I know a lot of you have purer hearts than me and I think a lot of my adoption friends sincerely can encourage and inspire people about adoption without having negative thoughts attached. But I fear sometimes it is not too strong to suggest that, for many of us, we look down on people who aren’t led the same way we are.
When we allow ourselves to think these things and suggest these things indirectly (or directly) in the ways we communicate, we put up barriers in relationships with everyone around us. And we misunderstand and miscommunicate the Gospel.
I don’t have to go further than my brain and heart to wonder why some people really hate Christians. Even the ones who adopt.
So the Bible says tons about caring for widows and orphans. And it also says a lot about thinking more about someone else’s spiritual blindspots and sins than your own. I just forget that part a lot.
PS. Keller’s examples are worth listening to: he mentions church (denominational, worship-style) superiority. Totally worth your time. Fast forward to somewhere around 18 minutes to go straight to this part if you want.
PSS. we're never going to be perfect this side of the Kingdom of God. however, confessing these sins really does lead to healthier relationships, purer motives, etc. So, while I'm partly discouraged by my yucky heart, I'm thankful the Spirit is working.
consider yourself warned.
So, I was listening to this sermon from Tim Keller yesterday. I think it was the third or fourth time I've listened to this particular sermon. it is that good. it is on the passage in Luke 18: 9-14 where Jesus tells a story about two men who are praying. the one is a Pharisee (religious leader) and he basically prays about how awesome he is. let's make sure we're tracking. he prays about how awesome he (himself) is. while talking about how relatively terrible other people are. and that's his whole prayer.
the other person is a tax collector, who can barely even hold up his head because of his shame. He only prays for God's mercy and forgiveness, knowing his unworthiness before God. The tax collector leaves justified and the Pharisee does not.
There is a ton to say about this story. but most of you come here to think and talk about adoption, so I'll limit my thoughts to something Keller said that ruined me in a good way. Just so you know, the same approach could be applied in regard to public schooling/home schooling, urban living, church planting, etc.
The passage actually starts out "To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down upon everybody else".
ouch already. He might as well have said “To Adrianne Thompson.”
I'm not sure if you've struggled with this as much as I have. but when I follow God to something He's called us to—perhaps especially something like adoption that leads us to a place where we receive attention (that may be good or it may be bad. but in our situation it is certainly not avoidable.) anyway, when God shows me something in particular that I should do, so commences the "look down on everyone who is not doing it that way so I can think better of myself" ugliness.
In the sermon on this passage, Keller notes something interesting that I've never seen. He calls it cultural imperialism. In the story, the Pharisee starts listing why he is better than other people: he doesn't rob (that's in the Bible). he doesn't commit adultery (that's in the Bible). he doesn't steal (that's in the Bible). he tithes (that's in the Bible). but then there is this really interesting thing that happens. The Pharisee slips something in to his, otherwise Biblically accurate, (though unhealthy in self exaltation and he probably minimizes the sins) list. He says: I fast twice a week.
Now perhaps God told him to fast twice a week. So maybe it was an act of obedience. But by placing it here, in a laundry list of To Dos (or not to dos) where he’s comparing himself at every point with people who he is saying are inferior to him, he is “sneaking it in to the divine will” in order to make himself feel better than other people.
Keller says that “if you are not glory satiated in the center of your being. If you are not filled with a sense of approval in your heart. If you are not utterly sure of who you are. If you do not feel so incredibly valued and loved. Then you’re going to do this too.”
And I have.
So often I have taken things I think God has shown our family to do: adopt, move into the city, participate in a church plant, confess sin somewhat widely, etc. and moved them into the divine will (which means I mistakenly think and/or communicate that if they (whoever they are) were really trying to serve God, they would do them too). Sometimes, because of that, I try to encourage others to follow us and to do the same things we do (thinking that's pointing them to Jesus). And sometimes I hope they won’t so that I can continue to feel special/better than other people. My sin tendencies are confused and plentiful.
both ways are inaccurate and squelch the Spirit's creativity, power and distinctiveness in the lives of believers.
Let me pause to say that it might not actually be super obvious (to you or to others) if you struggle with this. Ask God/the Spirit to help you to know. To search your motives and your heart. Most people wouldn’t easily catch me communicating these ugly things directly. I usually say the right thing (God makes us all differently, gives us different gifts and intends for us to express them in varied ways). But the issues are there if you dig beneath the surface. And it matters. I believe that subtle sins (especially when connected to moral behaviors/self righteousness) are so often the most dangerous and damaging kind.
So what does this really mean? When examined, I’ve realized that so often it isn’t God’s way that I commend to people (which is so much more unpredictable and beautifully varied in its expressions). It is my way that I commend.
Even in my last post while I was trying to point people to look to Jesus to lead their families, I also listed activities for which I want people to think well of me (adoption, considering a move to Rwanda, church plant, etc.) Though I really, honestly want to point others to follow Jesus, I’m sure that on most days I want that to look just like the ways he leads me. so I can feel important, affirmed, influential. Actually it is probably people’s prayers for me after reading that post that are causing me to have a softened heart and better understanding of my sin. And to ask for forgiveness.
I’m almost done, I promise.
Just to make sure I don’t leave this objection out there without some response. While the Bible isn’t clear about the fasting twice a week rule (which is part of why the Pharisees' list is a problem), the Bible obviously says TONS about caring for the widow and orphan.
No question: God commands us to care for the widow and orphan. But some people literally think every Christian, especially in the US, should be adopting (which isn't what the Bible says). Those of us who aren’t so zealous, though, maybe think we're in a better place. but are we merely paying lip service when we say “not everyone should adopt. There are lots of ways to help care for widows/orphans. The important thing is to be somehow engaged?”
When I call it lip service, I guess I’m trying to say that when we say, “not everyone should adopt but all should care,” in our heart of hearts, if we’re willing to look deeply enough, that's not the whole story. some of us also think there is a moral superiority continuum. And those who adopt are at the top.
Maybe that’s too strong. I know a lot of you have purer hearts than me and I think a lot of my adoption friends sincerely can encourage and inspire people about adoption without having negative thoughts attached. But I fear sometimes it is not too strong to suggest that, for many of us, we look down on people who aren’t led the same way we are.
When we allow ourselves to think these things and suggest these things indirectly (or directly) in the ways we communicate, we put up barriers in relationships with everyone around us. And we misunderstand and miscommunicate the Gospel.
I don’t have to go further than my brain and heart to wonder why some people really hate Christians. Even the ones who adopt.
So the Bible says tons about caring for widows and orphans. And it also says a lot about thinking more about someone else’s spiritual blindspots and sins than your own. I just forget that part a lot.
PS. Keller’s examples are worth listening to: he mentions church (denominational, worship-style) superiority. Totally worth your time. Fast forward to somewhere around 18 minutes to go straight to this part if you want.
PSS. we're never going to be perfect this side of the Kingdom of God. however, confessing these sins really does lead to healthier relationships, purer motives, etc. So, while I'm partly discouraged by my yucky heart, I'm thankful the Spirit is working.
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